I hate that my moods are all over the place. I'm tired, I feel blah, I'm depressed that I've never gotten to experience anything but heartache, and I'm really tired of these mood swings. I need to do homework but I don't have my textbooks so I can't really and I feel like a failure because of it. Worse though is the fact that I can't work on my stories. I keep blanking. I'm bored out of my mind. And there's no music that isn't depressing or makes me feel blegh.
Maybe Richard is right. I need to do something with my life. And maybe the military is what I need. I need a complete overhaul for my life. I'm so dissatisfied with my life right now, despite the fact that I love being in school. Maybe it's because I just want to get the hell out of dodge. I'm still trapped. My attorney wants me to wait until Junebug is two before deciding whether or not to still fight or just sign my rights away. And I really need to get my license.But I'm terrified of being behind the wheel of a car. But I have to. I can't let my fear of manning a vehicle hold me back.
I'm so tired of dealing with Beth and Nikita, though it's been a couple of weeks since I've spoken to Nikita, or even seen her for that matter, but that's fine by me.
Ugh... I can't stand feeling like this. It's weird. A shower should make me feel better. And I think I'll crochet... After I do some yoga. I need to do more things for myself. On another note, I'm finally beginning to build a new wardrobe- of things I like to wear. I can't wait until it's finished. Maybe I'll feel better about myself as I get more clothing that fits me and my sense of style. I just know that something needs to change.
Sunday, April 8, 2018
Saturday, April 7, 2018
April 7, 2018
I'm starting to think that it's impossible to have a day that is good... But then again, what is good, other than a personal perspective... But that counts for something yeah?
But it's annoying. It's always something, especially with Matt. He's had a stick up his ass all day, and of course it's when the kids are here for their visit. There's never a day where it's worry free. I don't know if it's because I'm still picking up on family karma or simply because of my environment that I'm currently in. I hate him on days like this, because he's nothing more than a petty child that about as mature as a 6 month old. Most days he's got the maturity of a 18 month old, which I can handle, but I swear to goodness, when he's like this I want to punch him dead in the mouth- and that's saying something because I'm typically nonviolent. I really, really should have gotten the hell outta dodge when I first threatened to do so... I should've taken my kid (Junebug hadn't been conceived at the time or was in utero- I can't remember) and dipped. Fuck taking clothing, I should've just walked out that door that night and started fresh somewhere since I'd begun to clue into the warning signs.
That is my regret. He's completely torn us apart. He's belittled me, gaslighted me, dehumanized me, he never gives me any support, and he hates it when I take care of myself or do things that takes away from his attention- like caring for children or going to school. He doesn't respect my boundaries, opinions, knowledge, or anything else and then practically demands my money. But I'm hellbent on getting the hell out of here. I've got a bike, I can sort through my clothes and pick what I want to take with me, which will likely be whatever I can fit into my backpacks merely for simplicity.
I'm terrified though. I've never lived by myself before- and having to things all on my own is going to be difficult. But I also know that this is what I need to do- and I'm excited to do it. I know I can make it on my own, and it'll be awesome to have my own space that I can have all to my own. A space where I won't be belittled for taking a shower, or for doing homework. A place where I can truly unwind and have friends over and even finally drive and own a car of my own. A place where I can have children in my space once more, whether that be because I have more or because I win this bullshit CPS/DCS CHINS case and get my Bugs back. A space where I can finally be me instead of what everyone else demands I be.
It's funny I suppose, that my motto is to not have any regret, and yet I now have one. But I'm ok with that. I've made my peace with it, and I've learned from my mistake. I know what not to do, and am preparing for when this chapter in my life is over. I'm excited and terrified, because I'm so close to being free of these chains... so close to breaking out of this cage I'm in. So close to being free.
But it's annoying. It's always something, especially with Matt. He's had a stick up his ass all day, and of course it's when the kids are here for their visit. There's never a day where it's worry free. I don't know if it's because I'm still picking up on family karma or simply because of my environment that I'm currently in. I hate him on days like this, because he's nothing more than a petty child that about as mature as a 6 month old. Most days he's got the maturity of a 18 month old, which I can handle, but I swear to goodness, when he's like this I want to punch him dead in the mouth- and that's saying something because I'm typically nonviolent. I really, really should have gotten the hell outta dodge when I first threatened to do so... I should've taken my kid (Junebug hadn't been conceived at the time or was in utero- I can't remember) and dipped. Fuck taking clothing, I should've just walked out that door that night and started fresh somewhere since I'd begun to clue into the warning signs.
That is my regret. He's completely torn us apart. He's belittled me, gaslighted me, dehumanized me, he never gives me any support, and he hates it when I take care of myself or do things that takes away from his attention- like caring for children or going to school. He doesn't respect my boundaries, opinions, knowledge, or anything else and then practically demands my money. But I'm hellbent on getting the hell out of here. I've got a bike, I can sort through my clothes and pick what I want to take with me, which will likely be whatever I can fit into my backpacks merely for simplicity.
I'm terrified though. I've never lived by myself before- and having to things all on my own is going to be difficult. But I also know that this is what I need to do- and I'm excited to do it. I know I can make it on my own, and it'll be awesome to have my own space that I can have all to my own. A space where I won't be belittled for taking a shower, or for doing homework. A place where I can truly unwind and have friends over and even finally drive and own a car of my own. A place where I can have children in my space once more, whether that be because I have more or because I win this bullshit CPS/DCS CHINS case and get my Bugs back. A space where I can finally be me instead of what everyone else demands I be.
It's funny I suppose, that my motto is to not have any regret, and yet I now have one. But I'm ok with that. I've made my peace with it, and I've learned from my mistake. I know what not to do, and am preparing for when this chapter in my life is over. I'm excited and terrified, because I'm so close to being free of these chains... so close to breaking out of this cage I'm in. So close to being free.
Friday, April 6, 2018
April 6, 2018
Today's been a tiring day. I had my TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) pre-trial hearing today and while it was quick, I'd rather not have had to do it in the first place. The emotion that spans this entire process is mostly disbelief and anger- when I'm not emotionally and mentally burned out. On a good note, I've got the same lawyer/attorney, but this entire case is utter and complete bullshit.
It is what it is though, and I can't change the past. Though for the first time in my life, I actually regret something. I suppose it's a good thing- I've learned a lot- but it's also solidified my hatred for people even more... and politics. Bureaucrats are nothing more than dirty little liars that use the law and any other means to destroy your life... Or at least that's the type I've been saddled with... Fucking Narcissists. As if living with one wasn't bad enough, I've got to deal with a whole team of them. *sigh* Fuck my life...
Working at UPS is fun though, but tiring as all get out. I load a trailer for about five hour straight (four hours and fifty minutes if you count the ten minute break), or longer if it's Monday or Tuesday. I'm amazed at how quickly I've begun to fit in there- I'm not used to fitting in. Ever the oddball, not that I usually have a problem with that. I've already begun to make friends- if you can call it that. The supervisors on my wing are pretty cool too, though about half of them are younger than I am (20-22 years old). My supervisor (currently) is female and is pretty nice, despite being female.
She was actually awesome yesterday. I'd just gotten chewed out by the wing sup(ervisor), Andy, about the fact I wasn't loading to the top of the trailer as if he had no clue how unsteady a leaning wall could be (He was frazzled so I don't blame him- we got derailed yesterday, and I'm betting it was mainly Silver Belt). After getting chewed out by him (at least he wasn't yelling), Andrea, my belt sup, came in and told me not to worry about Andy, that she knew that I was doing the best that I can; she complemented me on how well I built my walls and told me that Andy didn't see how well I built my walls because he wasn't often on Gray Belt (which is the belt I'm assigned to). I didn't tell her that I appreciated what she said, but I also didn't really have the chance. I just made her an origami lily as thanks- I didn't know how else to thank her.
I'm so frazzled about school, and so burned out that I have no clue what I'm going to do. I've got a visit with the kids tomorrow so I can't do any homework then, and I've still got my business plan to do. *sigh* This sucks. I totally need a break from life. I really need to make a schedule so that I can start catching up and actually stay on schedule with my classes. School is fun though, I'm learning a lot and my Professors are awesome. I fit in at school too, which is odd but nice.
My personal life is rather hectic as well, CPS/DCS not included. Work has me exhausted, and I'm trying to save up to move out of my current living situation, which is abusive. It's going ok I suppose (the saving up I mean), but of course I wish I had the money now so I didn't have to keep dealing with Matt's bullshit. I'm just tired of being so exhausted all the time., of wanting to do nothing but sleep.
It'll happen... Soon I'll break free of these chains and be free. Soon... I'll spread my wings and fly.
It is what it is though, and I can't change the past. Though for the first time in my life, I actually regret something. I suppose it's a good thing- I've learned a lot- but it's also solidified my hatred for people even more... and politics. Bureaucrats are nothing more than dirty little liars that use the law and any other means to destroy your life... Or at least that's the type I've been saddled with... Fucking Narcissists. As if living with one wasn't bad enough, I've got to deal with a whole team of them. *sigh* Fuck my life...
Working at UPS is fun though, but tiring as all get out. I load a trailer for about five hour straight (four hours and fifty minutes if you count the ten minute break), or longer if it's Monday or Tuesday. I'm amazed at how quickly I've begun to fit in there- I'm not used to fitting in. Ever the oddball, not that I usually have a problem with that. I've already begun to make friends- if you can call it that. The supervisors on my wing are pretty cool too, though about half of them are younger than I am (20-22 years old). My supervisor (currently) is female and is pretty nice, despite being female.
She was actually awesome yesterday. I'd just gotten chewed out by the wing sup(ervisor), Andy, about the fact I wasn't loading to the top of the trailer as if he had no clue how unsteady a leaning wall could be (He was frazzled so I don't blame him- we got derailed yesterday, and I'm betting it was mainly Silver Belt). After getting chewed out by him (at least he wasn't yelling), Andrea, my belt sup, came in and told me not to worry about Andy, that she knew that I was doing the best that I can; she complemented me on how well I built my walls and told me that Andy didn't see how well I built my walls because he wasn't often on Gray Belt (which is the belt I'm assigned to). I didn't tell her that I appreciated what she said, but I also didn't really have the chance. I just made her an origami lily as thanks- I didn't know how else to thank her.
I'm so frazzled about school, and so burned out that I have no clue what I'm going to do. I've got a visit with the kids tomorrow so I can't do any homework then, and I've still got my business plan to do. *sigh* This sucks. I totally need a break from life. I really need to make a schedule so that I can start catching up and actually stay on schedule with my classes. School is fun though, I'm learning a lot and my Professors are awesome. I fit in at school too, which is odd but nice.
My personal life is rather hectic as well, CPS/DCS not included. Work has me exhausted, and I'm trying to save up to move out of my current living situation, which is abusive. It's going ok I suppose (the saving up I mean), but of course I wish I had the money now so I didn't have to keep dealing with Matt's bullshit. I'm just tired of being so exhausted all the time., of wanting to do nothing but sleep.
It'll happen... Soon I'll break free of these chains and be free. Soon... I'll spread my wings and fly.
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
April 4, 2018
2018... This year isn't much better than the last.
In a nutshell, the darkest times really don't come in the night. I'm so ready to walk away from everything... Of transferring to an out of state school and making a new life there, wherever there is. Everything has been so fucked up... To the point that I contemplated suicide multiple times last year.
I haven't anymore because I'm determined to take advantage of my second chance, but I'm so overwhelmed right now. I just want to sleep for a week, or a month and let the world pass me by. I'm tired of dealing with the problems that I have to deal with, the shit I have to fight tooth and nail for.
Honestly I have half a mind to just move out now but I don't want to go to a shelter...
Hell... I'm too tired to even get all my thoughts onto this blog...
In a nutshell, the darkest times really don't come in the night. I'm so ready to walk away from everything... Of transferring to an out of state school and making a new life there, wherever there is. Everything has been so fucked up... To the point that I contemplated suicide multiple times last year.
I haven't anymore because I'm determined to take advantage of my second chance, but I'm so overwhelmed right now. I just want to sleep for a week, or a month and let the world pass me by. I'm tired of dealing with the problems that I have to deal with, the shit I have to fight tooth and nail for.
Honestly I have half a mind to just move out now but I don't want to go to a shelter...
Hell... I'm too tired to even get all my thoughts onto this blog...
December 11th, 2016
On this day, a year ago, my biological mother died of a heart attack...
Four days ago the courts saw fit to discriminate against me and take my children.
Five days ago I got another CPS visit for the same shit as last time...
Today, I'm barely holding myself together, barely keeping myself from sinking into the quicksand that is my Depression and PTSD...
You don't know what you've got until it's gone...
And now I fear for my own life... My kids are what brightened up my day. For as much as I complain about Junebug's loud cries, and Bug's boundless energy, I wouldn't have it any other way...
This house is too quiet..
Where are the cries, is the laughter, the thumping of my 2 year old's tiny feet across the carpet or floor, the sounds of the cabinets being open and shut.
Where is the crying because Junebug's gotten himself stuck again, the crying because he can't see mommy, the laughter when I tickle him...
This house is way too quiet,
Yesterday was so bad that I had to speak with someone from a crisis hotline...
My anxiety and depression are beginning to rule my life... My joy is no longer with me...
At least they are with family I've been told. Yeah they are, but they are not with me.
Because of the boy's absence I am beginning to see how much my depression and anxiety have truly taken over...
But I cannot find help. I've been searching for years, to no avail.
One thing after another prevents me from getting the help I seek.
My healthy families mentor has made it seem to CPS and the courts like I'm not seeking help and am so unstable I don't deserve my children.
Their Pediatricin has disreguarded every concern I've had, only to turn around and call CPS after we missed their November appt.
Medicaid wants to turn off and on and never make up their minds so that I can consistently have/seek care.
Vehicles break down, money is scarce, phones are misplaced...
And my undiagnosed disorder acts up, making me much more forgetful, much more anxious.
Four days ago the courts saw fit to discriminate against me and take my children.
Five days ago I got another CPS visit for the same shit as last time...
Today, I'm barely holding myself together, barely keeping myself from sinking into the quicksand that is my Depression and PTSD...
You don't know what you've got until it's gone...
And now I fear for my own life... My kids are what brightened up my day. For as much as I complain about Junebug's loud cries, and Bug's boundless energy, I wouldn't have it any other way...
This house is too quiet..
Where are the cries, is the laughter, the thumping of my 2 year old's tiny feet across the carpet or floor, the sounds of the cabinets being open and shut.
Where is the crying because Junebug's gotten himself stuck again, the crying because he can't see mommy, the laughter when I tickle him...
This house is way too quiet,
Yesterday was so bad that I had to speak with someone from a crisis hotline...
My anxiety and depression are beginning to rule my life... My joy is no longer with me...
At least they are with family I've been told. Yeah they are, but they are not with me.
Because of the boy's absence I am beginning to see how much my depression and anxiety have truly taken over...
But I cannot find help. I've been searching for years, to no avail.
One thing after another prevents me from getting the help I seek.
My healthy families mentor has made it seem to CPS and the courts like I'm not seeking help and am so unstable I don't deserve my children.
Their Pediatricin has disreguarded every concern I've had, only to turn around and call CPS after we missed their November appt.
Medicaid wants to turn off and on and never make up their minds so that I can consistently have/seek care.
Vehicles break down, money is scarce, phones are misplaced...
And my undiagnosed disorder acts up, making me much more forgetful, much more anxious.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
August 2nd, 2016: Too many memories, too many feelings
It's August now... And with the month of August comes lost of memories. With the month of August come my birthday and Chris's Angelversary, and all the memories of him...
He'd been with me for 4 months... Four short months was all I got with him, before he was taken from me.Two short weeks of feeling constant movement before I never got to feel him again.
And then theres a suspected pregnancy, and then Bug comes along... I was so happy that I was pregnant, but terrified... His pregnancy was SO hard. SCH, partial placenta previa, pre eclampsia, and then I gave birth to a baby that never wanted to be put down and screamed non stop. I spiraled into the deepest depression of my life and barely got out of it in time...
I didn't want another kid for a long while... I didn't want another HN child. Having one is hard enough, and its even harder when that child possibly has Autism, and has a hard time gaining weight and doesn't speak at all...
And then I miraculously got pregnant again. I wasn't tracking I was barely having sex... But there he was... Junebug. I was livid. Not at him of course, but at the entire situation. I could barely manage Bug, why would I want another child, ESPECIALLY if this one was just as HN as the first... But he was mellow. I had a fairly easy pregnancy. When he was born he was calm and quiet... but now I can barely put him down too... He screams a lot, has constipation issues, more than likely has colic, but he smiles and coos. He's gaining weight steadily... But my body has failed me again because I cant breastfeed anymore. I dont make enough milk. But I CAN actually put him down, but its usually when he's sleeping.
But Junebug isn't a log, but he's not HN either... But I'm still having relationship issues. Bickering, constantly at each other's throats... He can ignore/neglect the kids and play his video games but the minute I want some time to myself because I need to calm down and recharge I'm the bad parent...
I want out. Unfortunately I cant just up and leave the kids with him... He's not cut out to be a parent. You cant parent and act like a child in the same go. His video games are an escape... And guess what? I dont get an escape. I have to be touched, spit up on, scratched, rocked on, pushed, pinched, cried and screamed at and everything else the two kids decide to throw at me.
And then on top of that No one in my family will even mention Chris. They don't care. He wasn't born alive. He didn't get to have pictures posted of him on Facebook celebrating milestones like his baby brothers... So he doesn't matter to anyone. His own father barely even mentions him.
I hate the month of August... Too many memories and too many feelings.
He'd been with me for 4 months... Four short months was all I got with him, before he was taken from me.Two short weeks of feeling constant movement before I never got to feel him again.
And then theres a suspected pregnancy, and then Bug comes along... I was so happy that I was pregnant, but terrified... His pregnancy was SO hard. SCH, partial placenta previa, pre eclampsia, and then I gave birth to a baby that never wanted to be put down and screamed non stop. I spiraled into the deepest depression of my life and barely got out of it in time...
I didn't want another kid for a long while... I didn't want another HN child. Having one is hard enough, and its even harder when that child possibly has Autism, and has a hard time gaining weight and doesn't speak at all...
And then I miraculously got pregnant again. I wasn't tracking I was barely having sex... But there he was... Junebug. I was livid. Not at him of course, but at the entire situation. I could barely manage Bug, why would I want another child, ESPECIALLY if this one was just as HN as the first... But he was mellow. I had a fairly easy pregnancy. When he was born he was calm and quiet... but now I can barely put him down too... He screams a lot, has constipation issues, more than likely has colic, but he smiles and coos. He's gaining weight steadily... But my body has failed me again because I cant breastfeed anymore. I dont make enough milk. But I CAN actually put him down, but its usually when he's sleeping.
But Junebug isn't a log, but he's not HN either... But I'm still having relationship issues. Bickering, constantly at each other's throats... He can ignore/neglect the kids and play his video games but the minute I want some time to myself because I need to calm down and recharge I'm the bad parent...
I want out. Unfortunately I cant just up and leave the kids with him... He's not cut out to be a parent. You cant parent and act like a child in the same go. His video games are an escape... And guess what? I dont get an escape. I have to be touched, spit up on, scratched, rocked on, pushed, pinched, cried and screamed at and everything else the two kids decide to throw at me.
And then on top of that No one in my family will even mention Chris. They don't care. He wasn't born alive. He didn't get to have pictures posted of him on Facebook celebrating milestones like his baby brothers... So he doesn't matter to anyone. His own father barely even mentions him.
I hate the month of August... Too many memories and too many feelings.
Monday, July 25, 2016
July 25th, 2016: Overwhelming Life
Well... I never did try to see if I could get to this from my SO's phone... :/ But that's beside the point now, as we now have a charger for the laptop, so hopefully that means i can post more frequently again.
Where to start... Junebug was born May 31 at 11:54 am. While he's not HN like Bug is he's not a Log either. His name is Galen, which means Calm, Tranquil, Healer. Hes very opinionated and a major cuddlebug like his big brother, but hes SO much easier to deal with and care for than Bug is.
I'm still having relationship issues with their father and have been thinking about/ wanting to leave (with the kids of course) for a while now... The only reason I stayed is because I promised not to find a way to leave until Junebug was 3 mos old and we went to couples counseling together. Junebug is almost 2 months now and we still haven't done any couples counseling, and I don't feel like things are really getting any better.between the two of us and my gut is telling me that the tension has a lot to do with Bug being HN.
Things with Bug are... Well, they're extremely difficult, I'm not even gonna lie or try to sugarcoat it. Thing are fuckin frustrating. He's still not talking, he's in speech therapy, his gait is off and he drives me bat shit insane with all the whining and crying. He still doesn't feed himself, I have to potty train him because hes trying to get out of his diapers now (and I feel like a failure every time I see him in one), and I have to schedule an Appt. with an Audiologist, and Developmental Pediatrician for autism diagnosis and treatment and figure out a way to get him ASL lessons so he can communicate and STOP that damnable whining.
On another note, my biological mother Tracy passed away last year in December of a heart attack... I had just went down to AZ with Bug to see her... I'm still floored... I'm honestly not sure if I've even started grieving... And then there's my birthday and Chris's Angelversary coming up in August- neither of which I'm looking forward to...
But now I have a way out of the state should I so wish. Tracy won a settlement for transvaginal mesh shortly after she died, and her husband Isaac is setting aside some money for me and the boys...
Being a mom and an adult is hard as hell...
Where to start... Junebug was born May 31 at 11:54 am. While he's not HN like Bug is he's not a Log either. His name is Galen, which means Calm, Tranquil, Healer. Hes very opinionated and a major cuddlebug like his big brother, but hes SO much easier to deal with and care for than Bug is.
I'm still having relationship issues with their father and have been thinking about/ wanting to leave (with the kids of course) for a while now... The only reason I stayed is because I promised not to find a way to leave until Junebug was 3 mos old and we went to couples counseling together. Junebug is almost 2 months now and we still haven't done any couples counseling, and I don't feel like things are really getting any better.between the two of us and my gut is telling me that the tension has a lot to do with Bug being HN.
Things with Bug are... Well, they're extremely difficult, I'm not even gonna lie or try to sugarcoat it. Thing are fuckin frustrating. He's still not talking, he's in speech therapy, his gait is off and he drives me bat shit insane with all the whining and crying. He still doesn't feed himself, I have to potty train him because hes trying to get out of his diapers now (and I feel like a failure every time I see him in one), and I have to schedule an Appt. with an Audiologist, and Developmental Pediatrician for autism diagnosis and treatment and figure out a way to get him ASL lessons so he can communicate and STOP that damnable whining.
On another note, my biological mother Tracy passed away last year in December of a heart attack... I had just went down to AZ with Bug to see her... I'm still floored... I'm honestly not sure if I've even started grieving... And then there's my birthday and Chris's Angelversary coming up in August- neither of which I'm looking forward to...
But now I have a way out of the state should I so wish. Tracy won a settlement for transvaginal mesh shortly after she died, and her husband Isaac is setting aside some money for me and the boys...
Being a mom and an adult is hard as hell...
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