Today's been a tiring day. I had my TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) pre-trial hearing today and while it was quick, I'd rather not have had to do it in the first place. The emotion that spans this entire process is mostly disbelief and anger- when I'm not emotionally and mentally burned out. On a good note, I've got the same lawyer/attorney, but this entire case is utter and complete bullshit.
It is what it is though, and I can't change the past. Though for the first time in my life, I actually regret something. I suppose it's a good thing- I've learned a lot- but it's also solidified my hatred for people even more... and politics. Bureaucrats are nothing more than dirty little liars that use the law and any other means to destroy your life... Or at least that's the type I've been saddled with... Fucking Narcissists. As if living with one wasn't bad enough, I've got to deal with a whole team of them. *sigh* Fuck my life...
Working at UPS is fun though, but tiring as all get out. I load a trailer for about five hour straight (four hours and fifty minutes if you count the ten minute break), or longer if it's Monday or Tuesday. I'm amazed at how quickly I've begun to fit in there- I'm not used to fitting in. Ever the oddball, not that I usually have a problem with that. I've already begun to make friends- if you can call it that. The supervisors on my wing are pretty cool too, though about half of them are younger than I am (20-22 years old). My supervisor (currently) is female and is pretty nice, despite being female.
She was actually awesome yesterday. I'd just gotten chewed out by the wing sup(ervisor), Andy, about the fact I wasn't loading to the top of the trailer as if he had no clue how unsteady a leaning wall could be (He was frazzled so I don't blame him- we got derailed yesterday, and I'm betting it was mainly Silver Belt). After getting chewed out by him (at least he wasn't yelling), Andrea, my belt sup, came in and told me not to worry about Andy, that she knew that I was doing the best that I can; she complemented me on how well I built my walls and told me that Andy didn't see how well I built my walls because he wasn't often on Gray Belt (which is the belt I'm assigned to). I didn't tell her that I appreciated what she said, but I also didn't really have the chance. I just made her an origami lily as thanks- I didn't know how else to thank her.
I'm so frazzled about school, and so burned out that I have no clue what I'm going to do. I've got a visit with the kids tomorrow so I can't do any homework then, and I've still got my business plan to do. *sigh* This sucks. I totally need a break from life. I really need to make a schedule so that I can start catching up and actually stay on schedule with my classes. School is fun though, I'm learning a lot and my Professors are awesome. I fit in at school too, which is odd but nice.
My personal life is rather hectic as well, CPS/DCS not included. Work has me exhausted, and I'm trying to save up to move out of my current living situation, which is abusive. It's going ok I suppose (the saving up I mean), but of course I wish I had the money now so I didn't have to keep dealing with Matt's bullshit. I'm just tired of being so exhausted all the time., of wanting to do nothing but sleep.
It'll happen... Soon I'll break free of these chains and be free. Soon... I'll spread my wings and fly.
Friday, April 6, 2018
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
April 4, 2018
2018... This year isn't much better than the last.
In a nutshell, the darkest times really don't come in the night. I'm so ready to walk away from everything... Of transferring to an out of state school and making a new life there, wherever there is. Everything has been so fucked up... To the point that I contemplated suicide multiple times last year.
I haven't anymore because I'm determined to take advantage of my second chance, but I'm so overwhelmed right now. I just want to sleep for a week, or a month and let the world pass me by. I'm tired of dealing with the problems that I have to deal with, the shit I have to fight tooth and nail for.
Honestly I have half a mind to just move out now but I don't want to go to a shelter...
Hell... I'm too tired to even get all my thoughts onto this blog...
In a nutshell, the darkest times really don't come in the night. I'm so ready to walk away from everything... Of transferring to an out of state school and making a new life there, wherever there is. Everything has been so fucked up... To the point that I contemplated suicide multiple times last year.
I haven't anymore because I'm determined to take advantage of my second chance, but I'm so overwhelmed right now. I just want to sleep for a week, or a month and let the world pass me by. I'm tired of dealing with the problems that I have to deal with, the shit I have to fight tooth and nail for.
Honestly I have half a mind to just move out now but I don't want to go to a shelter...
Hell... I'm too tired to even get all my thoughts onto this blog...
December 11th, 2016
On this day, a year ago, my biological mother died of a heart attack...
Four days ago the courts saw fit to discriminate against me and take my children.
Five days ago I got another CPS visit for the same shit as last time...
Today, I'm barely holding myself together, barely keeping myself from sinking into the quicksand that is my Depression and PTSD...
You don't know what you've got until it's gone...
And now I fear for my own life... My kids are what brightened up my day. For as much as I complain about Junebug's loud cries, and Bug's boundless energy, I wouldn't have it any other way...
This house is too quiet..
Where are the cries, is the laughter, the thumping of my 2 year old's tiny feet across the carpet or floor, the sounds of the cabinets being open and shut.
Where is the crying because Junebug's gotten himself stuck again, the crying because he can't see mommy, the laughter when I tickle him...
This house is way too quiet,
Yesterday was so bad that I had to speak with someone from a crisis hotline...
My anxiety and depression are beginning to rule my life... My joy is no longer with me...
At least they are with family I've been told. Yeah they are, but they are not with me.
Because of the boy's absence I am beginning to see how much my depression and anxiety have truly taken over...
But I cannot find help. I've been searching for years, to no avail.
One thing after another prevents me from getting the help I seek.
My healthy families mentor has made it seem to CPS and the courts like I'm not seeking help and am so unstable I don't deserve my children.
Their Pediatricin has disreguarded every concern I've had, only to turn around and call CPS after we missed their November appt.
Medicaid wants to turn off and on and never make up their minds so that I can consistently have/seek care.
Vehicles break down, money is scarce, phones are misplaced...
And my undiagnosed disorder acts up, making me much more forgetful, much more anxious.
Four days ago the courts saw fit to discriminate against me and take my children.
Five days ago I got another CPS visit for the same shit as last time...
Today, I'm barely holding myself together, barely keeping myself from sinking into the quicksand that is my Depression and PTSD...
You don't know what you've got until it's gone...
And now I fear for my own life... My kids are what brightened up my day. For as much as I complain about Junebug's loud cries, and Bug's boundless energy, I wouldn't have it any other way...
This house is too quiet..
Where are the cries, is the laughter, the thumping of my 2 year old's tiny feet across the carpet or floor, the sounds of the cabinets being open and shut.
Where is the crying because Junebug's gotten himself stuck again, the crying because he can't see mommy, the laughter when I tickle him...
This house is way too quiet,
Yesterday was so bad that I had to speak with someone from a crisis hotline...
My anxiety and depression are beginning to rule my life... My joy is no longer with me...
At least they are with family I've been told. Yeah they are, but they are not with me.
Because of the boy's absence I am beginning to see how much my depression and anxiety have truly taken over...
But I cannot find help. I've been searching for years, to no avail.
One thing after another prevents me from getting the help I seek.
My healthy families mentor has made it seem to CPS and the courts like I'm not seeking help and am so unstable I don't deserve my children.
Their Pediatricin has disreguarded every concern I've had, only to turn around and call CPS after we missed their November appt.
Medicaid wants to turn off and on and never make up their minds so that I can consistently have/seek care.
Vehicles break down, money is scarce, phones are misplaced...
And my undiagnosed disorder acts up, making me much more forgetful, much more anxious.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
August 2nd, 2016: Too many memories, too many feelings
It's August now... And with the month of August comes lost of memories. With the month of August come my birthday and Chris's Angelversary, and all the memories of him...
He'd been with me for 4 months... Four short months was all I got with him, before he was taken from me.Two short weeks of feeling constant movement before I never got to feel him again.
And then theres a suspected pregnancy, and then Bug comes along... I was so happy that I was pregnant, but terrified... His pregnancy was SO hard. SCH, partial placenta previa, pre eclampsia, and then I gave birth to a baby that never wanted to be put down and screamed non stop. I spiraled into the deepest depression of my life and barely got out of it in time...
I didn't want another kid for a long while... I didn't want another HN child. Having one is hard enough, and its even harder when that child possibly has Autism, and has a hard time gaining weight and doesn't speak at all...
And then I miraculously got pregnant again. I wasn't tracking I was barely having sex... But there he was... Junebug. I was livid. Not at him of course, but at the entire situation. I could barely manage Bug, why would I want another child, ESPECIALLY if this one was just as HN as the first... But he was mellow. I had a fairly easy pregnancy. When he was born he was calm and quiet... but now I can barely put him down too... He screams a lot, has constipation issues, more than likely has colic, but he smiles and coos. He's gaining weight steadily... But my body has failed me again because I cant breastfeed anymore. I dont make enough milk. But I CAN actually put him down, but its usually when he's sleeping.
But Junebug isn't a log, but he's not HN either... But I'm still having relationship issues. Bickering, constantly at each other's throats... He can ignore/neglect the kids and play his video games but the minute I want some time to myself because I need to calm down and recharge I'm the bad parent...
I want out. Unfortunately I cant just up and leave the kids with him... He's not cut out to be a parent. You cant parent and act like a child in the same go. His video games are an escape... And guess what? I dont get an escape. I have to be touched, spit up on, scratched, rocked on, pushed, pinched, cried and screamed at and everything else the two kids decide to throw at me.
And then on top of that No one in my family will even mention Chris. They don't care. He wasn't born alive. He didn't get to have pictures posted of him on Facebook celebrating milestones like his baby brothers... So he doesn't matter to anyone. His own father barely even mentions him.
I hate the month of August... Too many memories and too many feelings.
He'd been with me for 4 months... Four short months was all I got with him, before he was taken from me.Two short weeks of feeling constant movement before I never got to feel him again.
And then theres a suspected pregnancy, and then Bug comes along... I was so happy that I was pregnant, but terrified... His pregnancy was SO hard. SCH, partial placenta previa, pre eclampsia, and then I gave birth to a baby that never wanted to be put down and screamed non stop. I spiraled into the deepest depression of my life and barely got out of it in time...
I didn't want another kid for a long while... I didn't want another HN child. Having one is hard enough, and its even harder when that child possibly has Autism, and has a hard time gaining weight and doesn't speak at all...
And then I miraculously got pregnant again. I wasn't tracking I was barely having sex... But there he was... Junebug. I was livid. Not at him of course, but at the entire situation. I could barely manage Bug, why would I want another child, ESPECIALLY if this one was just as HN as the first... But he was mellow. I had a fairly easy pregnancy. When he was born he was calm and quiet... but now I can barely put him down too... He screams a lot, has constipation issues, more than likely has colic, but he smiles and coos. He's gaining weight steadily... But my body has failed me again because I cant breastfeed anymore. I dont make enough milk. But I CAN actually put him down, but its usually when he's sleeping.
But Junebug isn't a log, but he's not HN either... But I'm still having relationship issues. Bickering, constantly at each other's throats... He can ignore/neglect the kids and play his video games but the minute I want some time to myself because I need to calm down and recharge I'm the bad parent...
I want out. Unfortunately I cant just up and leave the kids with him... He's not cut out to be a parent. You cant parent and act like a child in the same go. His video games are an escape... And guess what? I dont get an escape. I have to be touched, spit up on, scratched, rocked on, pushed, pinched, cried and screamed at and everything else the two kids decide to throw at me.
And then on top of that No one in my family will even mention Chris. They don't care. He wasn't born alive. He didn't get to have pictures posted of him on Facebook celebrating milestones like his baby brothers... So he doesn't matter to anyone. His own father barely even mentions him.
I hate the month of August... Too many memories and too many feelings.
Monday, July 25, 2016
July 25th, 2016: Overwhelming Life
Well... I never did try to see if I could get to this from my SO's phone... :/ But that's beside the point now, as we now have a charger for the laptop, so hopefully that means i can post more frequently again.
Where to start... Junebug was born May 31 at 11:54 am. While he's not HN like Bug is he's not a Log either. His name is Galen, which means Calm, Tranquil, Healer. Hes very opinionated and a major cuddlebug like his big brother, but hes SO much easier to deal with and care for than Bug is.
I'm still having relationship issues with their father and have been thinking about/ wanting to leave (with the kids of course) for a while now... The only reason I stayed is because I promised not to find a way to leave until Junebug was 3 mos old and we went to couples counseling together. Junebug is almost 2 months now and we still haven't done any couples counseling, and I don't feel like things are really getting any better.between the two of us and my gut is telling me that the tension has a lot to do with Bug being HN.
Things with Bug are... Well, they're extremely difficult, I'm not even gonna lie or try to sugarcoat it. Thing are fuckin frustrating. He's still not talking, he's in speech therapy, his gait is off and he drives me bat shit insane with all the whining and crying. He still doesn't feed himself, I have to potty train him because hes trying to get out of his diapers now (and I feel like a failure every time I see him in one), and I have to schedule an Appt. with an Audiologist, and Developmental Pediatrician for autism diagnosis and treatment and figure out a way to get him ASL lessons so he can communicate and STOP that damnable whining.
On another note, my biological mother Tracy passed away last year in December of a heart attack... I had just went down to AZ with Bug to see her... I'm still floored... I'm honestly not sure if I've even started grieving... And then there's my birthday and Chris's Angelversary coming up in August- neither of which I'm looking forward to...
But now I have a way out of the state should I so wish. Tracy won a settlement for transvaginal mesh shortly after she died, and her husband Isaac is setting aside some money for me and the boys...
Being a mom and an adult is hard as hell...
Where to start... Junebug was born May 31 at 11:54 am. While he's not HN like Bug is he's not a Log either. His name is Galen, which means Calm, Tranquil, Healer. Hes very opinionated and a major cuddlebug like his big brother, but hes SO much easier to deal with and care for than Bug is.
I'm still having relationship issues with their father and have been thinking about/ wanting to leave (with the kids of course) for a while now... The only reason I stayed is because I promised not to find a way to leave until Junebug was 3 mos old and we went to couples counseling together. Junebug is almost 2 months now and we still haven't done any couples counseling, and I don't feel like things are really getting any better.between the two of us and my gut is telling me that the tension has a lot to do with Bug being HN.
Things with Bug are... Well, they're extremely difficult, I'm not even gonna lie or try to sugarcoat it. Thing are fuckin frustrating. He's still not talking, he's in speech therapy, his gait is off and he drives me bat shit insane with all the whining and crying. He still doesn't feed himself, I have to potty train him because hes trying to get out of his diapers now (and I feel like a failure every time I see him in one), and I have to schedule an Appt. with an Audiologist, and Developmental Pediatrician for autism diagnosis and treatment and figure out a way to get him ASL lessons so he can communicate and STOP that damnable whining.
On another note, my biological mother Tracy passed away last year in December of a heart attack... I had just went down to AZ with Bug to see her... I'm still floored... I'm honestly not sure if I've even started grieving... And then there's my birthday and Chris's Angelversary coming up in August- neither of which I'm looking forward to...
But now I have a way out of the state should I so wish. Tracy won a settlement for transvaginal mesh shortly after she died, and her husband Isaac is setting aside some money for me and the boys...
Being a mom and an adult is hard as hell...
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
March 22nd: Sorry for the hiatus
Ugh... So much has been going on in my life and I don't know where to start...
I'm having relationship issues with Bug's (Isaac) father... I'm pregnant again and due June 11th... I have some asshole making ridiculous claims to DCS and CPS for some GOD unknown reason... I'm on Zoloft and need a therapist for the first time in years. I want a job... My Biological mom passed away this December from a heart attack... Bug hasn't been growing the way the Dr. wants him to grow... He ended up being diagnosed as Failure To Thrive... My dad was recently in the hospital due to fever, unchecked type 2 diabetes, a UTI and more...
Everything has been so stressful... I had some major PPD with Bug and let housework pile up... I didn't properly care for Bug... He had a lip and tongue tie that resulted in early weaning... Matt didn't bother with any support whatsoever, preferring to sit on his ass and play video games... It took my getting pregnant, and his brother/bff Jonathan telling him off to get us to where we are now... Hes getting better, and im doing better...
the super long hiatus is because Matt's computer battery went kaput and the charger doesn't work. to add to that my old tablet broke ad my new one's charger hasn't come in yet. I'm only able to make this post because I'm borrowing my housemates computer, which isn't going to be an everyday occurrence, because he gets pissy if I ask too much.
I'm currently 27+2 with Junebug, who happens to be another boy... This pregnancy has been so different from Bug's. For one, Junebug isn't anywhere near as active as big was. Don't get me wrong, Junebug moves, but hes not constantly kicking ans squirming day in and day out like Bug was... There also, so far, hasn't been any complications. My asthma is being managed, there's no unexplained bleeding and a helluva lot less anxiety where the kid is involved. the typical aches and pains are much more pronounced though...
I think that about covers it for now... But I'm definitely going to see if i can get to this from the phone. I'd love to be able to make a post every day/every few days like I used to... Plus it was rather therapeutic.
I'm having relationship issues with Bug's (Isaac) father... I'm pregnant again and due June 11th... I have some asshole making ridiculous claims to DCS and CPS for some GOD unknown reason... I'm on Zoloft and need a therapist for the first time in years. I want a job... My Biological mom passed away this December from a heart attack... Bug hasn't been growing the way the Dr. wants him to grow... He ended up being diagnosed as Failure To Thrive... My dad was recently in the hospital due to fever, unchecked type 2 diabetes, a UTI and more...
Everything has been so stressful... I had some major PPD with Bug and let housework pile up... I didn't properly care for Bug... He had a lip and tongue tie that resulted in early weaning... Matt didn't bother with any support whatsoever, preferring to sit on his ass and play video games... It took my getting pregnant, and his brother/bff Jonathan telling him off to get us to where we are now... Hes getting better, and im doing better...
the super long hiatus is because Matt's computer battery went kaput and the charger doesn't work. to add to that my old tablet broke ad my new one's charger hasn't come in yet. I'm only able to make this post because I'm borrowing my housemates computer, which isn't going to be an everyday occurrence, because he gets pissy if I ask too much.
I'm currently 27+2 with Junebug, who happens to be another boy... This pregnancy has been so different from Bug's. For one, Junebug isn't anywhere near as active as big was. Don't get me wrong, Junebug moves, but hes not constantly kicking ans squirming day in and day out like Bug was... There also, so far, hasn't been any complications. My asthma is being managed, there's no unexplained bleeding and a helluva lot less anxiety where the kid is involved. the typical aches and pains are much more pronounced though...
I think that about covers it for now... But I'm definitely going to see if i can get to this from the phone. I'd love to be able to make a post every day/every few days like I used to... Plus it was rather therapeutic.
Friday, November 7, 2014
October 30th 2014: HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAINBOW!!!
My rainbow Isaac Kaelan Justice was born October 30th 2014 at 1:58 am weighing 6lbs and measuring 20 3/4in long. He was and is beautiful and precious... I feel so blessed that he is here and home with me and Matt...
On October 28th I went in for what I thought would be a regular appointment... I'd been feeling miserable for the entire week, and for some reason I just could not go to bed without my Christopher Bear... I just couldn't... I'd been feeling pretty shitty and the bear brought me a sense of ease...
So when I went to the doctor I had every intention of planning my induction for around the 8th if Isaac hadn't arrived by the due date, Nov. 5th.
But when Dr. Martin came in my world was turned upside down. What she said threw me for a loop, and explained why I'd been feeling so miserable.
"Well, I know that you planned to be induced later but it looks like it'll be happening sooner." I looked at her curiously and she then told me that aside from the high blood pressure they had discovered a helluvalot of protein in my urine. What's funny is the process they use is basically a spot check... Its not even a full analysis. Being term she wasn't overly concerned as she could just induce me as opposed to making me do a 24hr urine catch and things like that. She wanted to get him out as soon as possible. I at first wanted to wait until Halloween, but after realizing that she wouldn't be there on that day and me wanting her to deliver him I asked her what her version of 'as soon as possible' was. Her response was 'tomorrow'. So we discussed a time and settled on 2pm the 29th. I was excited to know that soon Isaac would be out of my body and in this world and I'd be able to meet him at last.
Oddly enough I wasn't surprised in the slightest about the preeclampsia, rather I was wondering when it would pop up. Knowing that my biological mother has hbp out the wazoo (she was/is on meds for it) I knew it was only a matter of time before it showed up... Even though I held out hope for me to not have any bp issues I wasn't disappointed. So I went home and got as ready as I could for my son...
October 29th I went in as scheduled and they got me hooked up... My first nurse was a sweetheart named Jen. Poor nurse had a rough time getting the IV in as my veins kept rolling, but she was awesome. She ended up having to have a different nurse, I think her name was/is Robin, to do it and she managed to get the IV in me. So I settled in for a semi long wait as I knew it'd be a while before it would be time to evict my tenant. XD
I had settled on using a fentanyl drip for pain maintenance, only opting for the epidural as an extreme last resort... I don't like needles and I sure as hell didn't want one near my spine... I was started on pitocin to get the contractions started... I hadn't even noticed they'd started me on it until they upped the dosage to 4 units... Sneaky devils. lol So not much really to tell except that Angie, Paul, Evan, Laura, Olivia, and Vicki were all there lending support. And of course Matt was there.
As the hours went on they continued to up my dose of pitocin and I rolled and bounced around on my exercise ball to help counteract the pain and help bring him down into my hips and whatnot. At either 8 or 10 units I began to feel like I was leaking or at least starting to leak amniotic fluid, but I wasn't. No bulging bag of water, but I was finally 5cm dilated. Dr. Martin broke my bag of waters and then the real fun began. After my water was broken the contractions doubled in strength and in intensity... They also picked up. They took forever on the fentanyl drip as I struggled to maintain a good breathing rhythm as the contractions came hard and fast... I seriously wanted to punch one nurse in the face and I struggled greatly not to yell at her to get the damn drip because of the back labor... Ahh yes... The back labor... I still had it and it hurt like a bitch... I figured there was no escaping it even though baby was supposedly in the birthing position. My pitocin drip stayed at 11 units as my contractions were getting stronger and stronger... And the fentanyl drip wasn't even touching the pain...
Finally at 9 1/2cm dilated I couldn't take it anymore... Angie had come in and suggested the epidural and I finally agreed... I needed relief if I was to push this baby out... I needed relief from the back labor... They took forever getting that too, but only because I needed to have a certain amount of fluid in me before they put it in... I just wanted the damn epidural. XD Once I'd pushed enough fluids the anesthesiologist came in to do my epidural. I have to say, as terrified as I was of the epidural, he was so calm and so sweet that it calmed my nerves. He was able to do it easily and swiftly despite my immense pain. Within minutes the epidural was in and the pain relief began... Not too much later I didn't even feel the contractions unless I was paying attention, as it completely got rid of the back labor, leaving only pressure waves coming from my uterus from the contractions themselves. It was amazing... I was able to finally relax and doze off. I didn't sleep but the dozing definitely helped things, and poor Matt finally was able to have his hand back. XD After 15 minutes the Dr. came back to check on me saying that it was perfectly normal to be able to move my feet and that I was handling the medication very well. Dr. Martin finally checked me and was surprised to find that little Isaac was already on his way out. In a total of about 10 minutes and 6 good pushes Isaac Kaelan Justice entered the world.
Covered in goo as he was he was gorgeous. He had (and still does have) a full head of black hair as he came out. He didn't cry at first but when he was placed on my belly he cracked one eye open as if to say "I'm here mommy." His mouth was wide open as if he was screaming silently but they had to hurry to get him to breathe so they whisked him away. To finally hear his cry was a big relief.
I ended up with a 1st degree tear that I watched Dr. Martin stitch up. She was awesome, letting me use a mirror to see his birth, letting me touch his head as he was crowning, and even letting me touch his placenta and umbilical cord (which feels really, really weird by the way)... As she stitched me up she was praising me for how well I had done, saying I was a natural born pusher and how she didn't know how I had managed to get to 10cm in the first place as I had to push at every other contraction.
My beautiful boy... My rainbow baby was born October 30th 2014 at 1:58 am weighing 6 pounds and 20 3/4 inches long. He was absolutely perfect.
I have to say that giving birth was a powerful experience and something I never thought I would get to do. I have no regrets and I have a beautiful rainbow baby home with me.
On October 28th I went in for what I thought would be a regular appointment... I'd been feeling miserable for the entire week, and for some reason I just could not go to bed without my Christopher Bear... I just couldn't... I'd been feeling pretty shitty and the bear brought me a sense of ease...
So when I went to the doctor I had every intention of planning my induction for around the 8th if Isaac hadn't arrived by the due date, Nov. 5th.
But when Dr. Martin came in my world was turned upside down. What she said threw me for a loop, and explained why I'd been feeling so miserable.
"Well, I know that you planned to be induced later but it looks like it'll be happening sooner." I looked at her curiously and she then told me that aside from the high blood pressure they had discovered a helluvalot of protein in my urine. What's funny is the process they use is basically a spot check... Its not even a full analysis. Being term she wasn't overly concerned as she could just induce me as opposed to making me do a 24hr urine catch and things like that. She wanted to get him out as soon as possible. I at first wanted to wait until Halloween, but after realizing that she wouldn't be there on that day and me wanting her to deliver him I asked her what her version of 'as soon as possible' was. Her response was 'tomorrow'. So we discussed a time and settled on 2pm the 29th. I was excited to know that soon Isaac would be out of my body and in this world and I'd be able to meet him at last.
Oddly enough I wasn't surprised in the slightest about the preeclampsia, rather I was wondering when it would pop up. Knowing that my biological mother has hbp out the wazoo (she was/is on meds for it) I knew it was only a matter of time before it showed up... Even though I held out hope for me to not have any bp issues I wasn't disappointed. So I went home and got as ready as I could for my son...
October 29th I went in as scheduled and they got me hooked up... My first nurse was a sweetheart named Jen. Poor nurse had a rough time getting the IV in as my veins kept rolling, but she was awesome. She ended up having to have a different nurse, I think her name was/is Robin, to do it and she managed to get the IV in me. So I settled in for a semi long wait as I knew it'd be a while before it would be time to evict my tenant. XD
I had settled on using a fentanyl drip for pain maintenance, only opting for the epidural as an extreme last resort... I don't like needles and I sure as hell didn't want one near my spine... I was started on pitocin to get the contractions started... I hadn't even noticed they'd started me on it until they upped the dosage to 4 units... Sneaky devils. lol So not much really to tell except that Angie, Paul, Evan, Laura, Olivia, and Vicki were all there lending support. And of course Matt was there.
As the hours went on they continued to up my dose of pitocin and I rolled and bounced around on my exercise ball to help counteract the pain and help bring him down into my hips and whatnot. At either 8 or 10 units I began to feel like I was leaking or at least starting to leak amniotic fluid, but I wasn't. No bulging bag of water, but I was finally 5cm dilated. Dr. Martin broke my bag of waters and then the real fun began. After my water was broken the contractions doubled in strength and in intensity... They also picked up. They took forever on the fentanyl drip as I struggled to maintain a good breathing rhythm as the contractions came hard and fast... I seriously wanted to punch one nurse in the face and I struggled greatly not to yell at her to get the damn drip because of the back labor... Ahh yes... The back labor... I still had it and it hurt like a bitch... I figured there was no escaping it even though baby was supposedly in the birthing position. My pitocin drip stayed at 11 units as my contractions were getting stronger and stronger... And the fentanyl drip wasn't even touching the pain...
Finally at 9 1/2cm dilated I couldn't take it anymore... Angie had come in and suggested the epidural and I finally agreed... I needed relief if I was to push this baby out... I needed relief from the back labor... They took forever getting that too, but only because I needed to have a certain amount of fluid in me before they put it in... I just wanted the damn epidural. XD Once I'd pushed enough fluids the anesthesiologist came in to do my epidural. I have to say, as terrified as I was of the epidural, he was so calm and so sweet that it calmed my nerves. He was able to do it easily and swiftly despite my immense pain. Within minutes the epidural was in and the pain relief began... Not too much later I didn't even feel the contractions unless I was paying attention, as it completely got rid of the back labor, leaving only pressure waves coming from my uterus from the contractions themselves. It was amazing... I was able to finally relax and doze off. I didn't sleep but the dozing definitely helped things, and poor Matt finally was able to have his hand back. XD After 15 minutes the Dr. came back to check on me saying that it was perfectly normal to be able to move my feet and that I was handling the medication very well. Dr. Martin finally checked me and was surprised to find that little Isaac was already on his way out. In a total of about 10 minutes and 6 good pushes Isaac Kaelan Justice entered the world.
Covered in goo as he was he was gorgeous. He had (and still does have) a full head of black hair as he came out. He didn't cry at first but when he was placed on my belly he cracked one eye open as if to say "I'm here mommy." His mouth was wide open as if he was screaming silently but they had to hurry to get him to breathe so they whisked him away. To finally hear his cry was a big relief.
I ended up with a 1st degree tear that I watched Dr. Martin stitch up. She was awesome, letting me use a mirror to see his birth, letting me touch his head as he was crowning, and even letting me touch his placenta and umbilical cord (which feels really, really weird by the way)... As she stitched me up she was praising me for how well I had done, saying I was a natural born pusher and how she didn't know how I had managed to get to 10cm in the first place as I had to push at every other contraction.
My beautiful boy... My rainbow baby was born October 30th 2014 at 1:58 am weighing 6 pounds and 20 3/4 inches long. He was absolutely perfect.
I have to say that giving birth was a powerful experience and something I never thought I would get to do. I have no regrets and I have a beautiful rainbow baby home with me.
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