So I ended up listening to an Eminem mix on YouTube... And one of the songs is "When I'm Gone". Once again I found myself in tears...
I've been trying not to think about my birthday. I've been trying not to think about the son I lost just last year... Trying not to think about the gaping hole that he left. Trying not to think of wanting to hold him or how if he was here he'd be almost a year...
But I'm failing miserably... My birthday... A time where I'm supposed to be happy and enjoying being pregnant with my son Isaac... But there's only trepidation as I inch ever so slowly toward that date... You see, my birthday is the first and only time I got to hear his heartbeat... And six days later I caught him as he came out of me when I went to go pee that morning...
The pain is still fresh. It still hurts like hell... I didn't get to see him smile, or hold him and tell him I love him. He never got to truly hear my voice like Isaac does, or feel my hand on his home like Isaac... He didn't get to take a breath on his birthday... His tiny little heart had stopped beating when my water broke, or he suffocated when the his umbilical cord hit air... I never saw his little chest move, never felt any of his little muscles move...
It's almost been a year... Last year, I was pregnant on my birthday, and happy... This year, I'll be pregnant on my birthday... But this time... I don't really know what to feel.
You have me in tears too Midnight. I don't look forward to my birthday either... 6 days after Preston was born. We were still in the hospital, he was still in the NICU, making strides.. and now nothing. It's earth shattering. I totally understand that you don't know what to feel. Whatever you end up feeling on your birthday though, let yourself feel it. If you want to be alone, that's ok. If you want to be surrounded by love, that's just fine. If you want a bit of both, you have every right. You can allow yourself to be happy to be pregnant with Isaac, while remembering how happy Chris made you last year on your birthday. I'm sure, he would want you to smile when you think of him. I'm sure, he also understands, that sometimes, that's pretty impossible. Thinking of you, sending you hugs, strength. One day at a time love. One hour at a time. One moment at a time.
ReplyDeleteAnd now I'm crying, but it's happy tears. Thank you so much for being such an amazing friend. I'm glad I have someone like you who understands. And thank you for reminding me of all my babies, and that its ok to not know what to feel.
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