Music is the talk of the soul... Or something like that... Music seems to be able to get things that you cant say out into the open... It can make you remember or help you forget... It can soothe or anger...
Lately I find that certain songs now make me face the truth... Just like a certain blog I read from time to time... One of my dear friends made this blog to share her son Preston, who she lost when he was 16 weeks old... He was a beautiful baby, full of smiles...
But I find that her blog has the nasty habit of making me face the truth when I read it sometimes... She never writes anything that's depressing, but her blog is good at that ya know? And I'm not mad that she has that ability at all, in fact I'm glad she's able to make me face the facts sometimes... Because if I didnt I'd forget... And I dont believe that there is such thing as a memory that's ok to forget... I dont want to forget Preston... I dont want to forget Jade, Chris and Serenity... I dont want to forget Benjamin and Connor. I dont wanna forget Vida, Jaylynn, Joanna, Ellie Sawyer, Silas and the countless others that have touched my life.
But just like with music that brings with it the ups and downs that you hold within your heart, I think it's a good thing not to dwell... The children live within our hearts and in a roundabout way keep us strong for those determined enough to ride the waves in the ocean of grief that we all experience when we lose a child... To come out on top is what they want, and so we struggle...
But every once and a while we have to face the truth. I'm glad that Cat's blog does that for me.
Wow Midnight. Just wow. I'm so thankful that my blog is helpful to you, even if it's sometimes hard to read. I find I often have trouble keeping my own advice. I fall into the traps of grief - self blame, anger, frustration, numbness. And it seems more prevalent when I let insecurities into my life, or let negativity into my mind. The BBC forums had a lot of that over the weekend and I think it affected the tone of my entries. I really want to help others like you and me who have lost a baby. Yet, it seems like sometimes making the wrong suggestion can bring out the ugliness in others. I get it. They're in a bad spot and perhaps I'm on the receiving end of their pain, their grief, their bad day. I'm ok with that if it helps them. But if they just want to be nasty to be nasty, it creates animosity. Animosity in my heart and in my mind and it just brings out the sadness.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard. I don't try to hide the sadness. I don't try to push it down so that it one day explodes. I try to remain positive. I try to see the goodness that having Preston in my life has brought me, has brought to others. I wasn't really going to share the negativity I read this weekend in my blog. I was going to keep it to myself, but you've helped me realize, that I need to. So thank you, for your blog. Thank you for your kind soul. I hope that we continue to heal on this journey together. Thinking about you, Jade, Chris, Serenity and your rainbow <3