God I miss him so much... Lately I've been sleeping with his Molly Bear because I've been so- moody? Anyway, sleeping with his bear brings me comfort and today was a really good day until I talked to my mom... I should have known by now she's... just difficult to communicate with... And whenever I mention Chris she says the most ridiculous things...
She had me sobbing tonight... And even now as I think about it I'm starting to get really really depressed... Poor Matt... But I have an awesome future husband and I feel really blessed to have him and his support...
Conversation goes like this...
Mom: Don't be down. I know it's rough when it seems know one believes you. But I do honey.He's your first just remember he is your first. It's all new to you.
Me: He's my first full term. He's not my first.
And I'm not trying to be rude so sorry if it sounded like that
Mom: Ok please don't be snappy. I will talk to you sometime. You know what I meant. Most people try not to linger over sad situations. This is a very happy, joyous occasion. We will talk maybe talk tomorrow.
Me: I'm not trying to be snappy. And I'm not lingering.
I just dont think its fair that they are not acknowledged because they didnt come home with me.
Its like saying Aunt Carrie didnt exist and make a difference because she's gone now.
Mom: Ok good night. I very had a still birth and a miscarriage. So I feel you
Just don't think that I need to go their with you. People that didn't know you were pregnant or could see you that you were pregnant don't feel like you. Nikki had a few miscarriages before she got pregnant with mymy. As far as Aunt Carrie. How can you you compare. It's not the same. Aunt Carrie lived 97 years out of the womb produced 4 children and had 2 still births. Not the same. talk later.
Me: Fine. Ttyl
What the fuck? Seriously? Not the same. So Jade, Chris, and Serenity dont matter because they didnt live for 97 fucking years like my Aunt Carrie? And this is someone who claims to have had both a stillbirth and a miscarriage.
SERIOUSLY? Needless to say I went to my room sobbing... To my own mother, my babies shouldn't be mentioned because they didnt come home with me... They shouldnt be mentioned because they didnt get to have any firsts like my Aunt Carrie. I'm not allowed to talk about my children because they are dead... And my wonderful husband... He went into our room and held me while I sobbed into his shoulder... At first I couldn't even find the words to try to explain what had even happened... I just cried... And I still feel like bawling my eyes out...
I have to act like Isaac is my first child because that what people see... They cant see Jade, Chris, and Serenity, so they dont exist... And that's total bullshit...
I'm gonna go to bed before I start bawling again...
I'm sorry for the stress that exists in your life. And I'm sorry that your mom doesn't want to acknowledge your angels, considering she's had a loss. I think it's tough because I don't think this type of support used to exist, and that may be why she's saying what she's saying. I hope things get better. Thinking of you hun. Don't let it get the best of you. You've got a lot going for you :)
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