It's August now... And with the month of August comes lost of memories. With the month of August come my birthday and Chris's Angelversary, and all the memories of him...
He'd been with me for 4 months... Four short months was all I got with him, before he was taken from me.Two short weeks of feeling constant movement before I never got to feel him again.
And then theres a suspected pregnancy, and then Bug comes along... I was so happy that I was pregnant, but terrified... His pregnancy was SO hard. SCH, partial placenta previa, pre eclampsia, and then I gave birth to a baby that never wanted to be put down and screamed non stop. I spiraled into the deepest depression of my life and barely got out of it in time...
I didn't want another kid for a long while... I didn't want another HN child. Having one is hard enough, and its even harder when that child possibly has Autism, and has a hard time gaining weight and doesn't speak at all...
And then I miraculously got pregnant again. I wasn't tracking I was barely having sex... But there he was... Junebug. I was livid. Not at him of course, but at the entire situation. I could barely manage Bug, why would I want another child, ESPECIALLY if this one was just as HN as the first... But he was mellow. I had a fairly easy pregnancy. When he was born he was calm and quiet... but now I can barely put him down too... He screams a lot, has constipation issues, more than likely has colic, but he smiles and coos. He's gaining weight steadily... But my body has failed me again because I cant breastfeed anymore. I dont make enough milk. But I CAN actually put him down, but its usually when he's sleeping.
But Junebug isn't a log, but he's not HN either... But I'm still having relationship issues. Bickering, constantly at each other's throats... He can ignore/neglect the kids and play his video games but the minute I want some time to myself because I need to calm down and recharge I'm the bad parent...
I want out. Unfortunately I cant just up and leave the kids with him... He's not cut out to be a parent. You cant parent and act like a child in the same go. His video games are an escape... And guess what? I dont get an escape. I have to be touched, spit up on, scratched, rocked on, pushed, pinched, cried and screamed at and everything else the two kids decide to throw at me.
And then on top of that No one in my family will even mention Chris. They don't care. He wasn't born alive. He didn't get to have pictures posted of him on Facebook celebrating milestones like his baby brothers... So he doesn't matter to anyone. His own father barely even mentions him.
I hate the month of August... Too many memories and too many feelings.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Monday, July 25, 2016
July 25th, 2016: Overwhelming Life
Well... I never did try to see if I could get to this from my SO's phone... :/ But that's beside the point now, as we now have a charger for the laptop, so hopefully that means i can post more frequently again.
Where to start... Junebug was born May 31 at 11:54 am. While he's not HN like Bug is he's not a Log either. His name is Galen, which means Calm, Tranquil, Healer. Hes very opinionated and a major cuddlebug like his big brother, but hes SO much easier to deal with and care for than Bug is.
I'm still having relationship issues with their father and have been thinking about/ wanting to leave (with the kids of course) for a while now... The only reason I stayed is because I promised not to find a way to leave until Junebug was 3 mos old and we went to couples counseling together. Junebug is almost 2 months now and we still haven't done any couples counseling, and I don't feel like things are really getting any better.between the two of us and my gut is telling me that the tension has a lot to do with Bug being HN.
Things with Bug are... Well, they're extremely difficult, I'm not even gonna lie or try to sugarcoat it. Thing are fuckin frustrating. He's still not talking, he's in speech therapy, his gait is off and he drives me bat shit insane with all the whining and crying. He still doesn't feed himself, I have to potty train him because hes trying to get out of his diapers now (and I feel like a failure every time I see him in one), and I have to schedule an Appt. with an Audiologist, and Developmental Pediatrician for autism diagnosis and treatment and figure out a way to get him ASL lessons so he can communicate and STOP that damnable whining.
On another note, my biological mother Tracy passed away last year in December of a heart attack... I had just went down to AZ with Bug to see her... I'm still floored... I'm honestly not sure if I've even started grieving... And then there's my birthday and Chris's Angelversary coming up in August- neither of which I'm looking forward to...
But now I have a way out of the state should I so wish. Tracy won a settlement for transvaginal mesh shortly after she died, and her husband Isaac is setting aside some money for me and the boys...
Being a mom and an adult is hard as hell...
Where to start... Junebug was born May 31 at 11:54 am. While he's not HN like Bug is he's not a Log either. His name is Galen, which means Calm, Tranquil, Healer. Hes very opinionated and a major cuddlebug like his big brother, but hes SO much easier to deal with and care for than Bug is.
I'm still having relationship issues with their father and have been thinking about/ wanting to leave (with the kids of course) for a while now... The only reason I stayed is because I promised not to find a way to leave until Junebug was 3 mos old and we went to couples counseling together. Junebug is almost 2 months now and we still haven't done any couples counseling, and I don't feel like things are really getting any better.between the two of us and my gut is telling me that the tension has a lot to do with Bug being HN.
Things with Bug are... Well, they're extremely difficult, I'm not even gonna lie or try to sugarcoat it. Thing are fuckin frustrating. He's still not talking, he's in speech therapy, his gait is off and he drives me bat shit insane with all the whining and crying. He still doesn't feed himself, I have to potty train him because hes trying to get out of his diapers now (and I feel like a failure every time I see him in one), and I have to schedule an Appt. with an Audiologist, and Developmental Pediatrician for autism diagnosis and treatment and figure out a way to get him ASL lessons so he can communicate and STOP that damnable whining.
On another note, my biological mother Tracy passed away last year in December of a heart attack... I had just went down to AZ with Bug to see her... I'm still floored... I'm honestly not sure if I've even started grieving... And then there's my birthday and Chris's Angelversary coming up in August- neither of which I'm looking forward to...
But now I have a way out of the state should I so wish. Tracy won a settlement for transvaginal mesh shortly after she died, and her husband Isaac is setting aside some money for me and the boys...
Being a mom and an adult is hard as hell...
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
March 22nd: Sorry for the hiatus
Ugh... So much has been going on in my life and I don't know where to start...
I'm having relationship issues with Bug's (Isaac) father... I'm pregnant again and due June 11th... I have some asshole making ridiculous claims to DCS and CPS for some GOD unknown reason... I'm on Zoloft and need a therapist for the first time in years. I want a job... My Biological mom passed away this December from a heart attack... Bug hasn't been growing the way the Dr. wants him to grow... He ended up being diagnosed as Failure To Thrive... My dad was recently in the hospital due to fever, unchecked type 2 diabetes, a UTI and more...
Everything has been so stressful... I had some major PPD with Bug and let housework pile up... I didn't properly care for Bug... He had a lip and tongue tie that resulted in early weaning... Matt didn't bother with any support whatsoever, preferring to sit on his ass and play video games... It took my getting pregnant, and his brother/bff Jonathan telling him off to get us to where we are now... Hes getting better, and im doing better...
the super long hiatus is because Matt's computer battery went kaput and the charger doesn't work. to add to that my old tablet broke ad my new one's charger hasn't come in yet. I'm only able to make this post because I'm borrowing my housemates computer, which isn't going to be an everyday occurrence, because he gets pissy if I ask too much.
I'm currently 27+2 with Junebug, who happens to be another boy... This pregnancy has been so different from Bug's. For one, Junebug isn't anywhere near as active as big was. Don't get me wrong, Junebug moves, but hes not constantly kicking ans squirming day in and day out like Bug was... There also, so far, hasn't been any complications. My asthma is being managed, there's no unexplained bleeding and a helluva lot less anxiety where the kid is involved. the typical aches and pains are much more pronounced though...
I think that about covers it for now... But I'm definitely going to see if i can get to this from the phone. I'd love to be able to make a post every day/every few days like I used to... Plus it was rather therapeutic.
I'm having relationship issues with Bug's (Isaac) father... I'm pregnant again and due June 11th... I have some asshole making ridiculous claims to DCS and CPS for some GOD unknown reason... I'm on Zoloft and need a therapist for the first time in years. I want a job... My Biological mom passed away this December from a heart attack... Bug hasn't been growing the way the Dr. wants him to grow... He ended up being diagnosed as Failure To Thrive... My dad was recently in the hospital due to fever, unchecked type 2 diabetes, a UTI and more...
Everything has been so stressful... I had some major PPD with Bug and let housework pile up... I didn't properly care for Bug... He had a lip and tongue tie that resulted in early weaning... Matt didn't bother with any support whatsoever, preferring to sit on his ass and play video games... It took my getting pregnant, and his brother/bff Jonathan telling him off to get us to where we are now... Hes getting better, and im doing better...
the super long hiatus is because Matt's computer battery went kaput and the charger doesn't work. to add to that my old tablet broke ad my new one's charger hasn't come in yet. I'm only able to make this post because I'm borrowing my housemates computer, which isn't going to be an everyday occurrence, because he gets pissy if I ask too much.
I'm currently 27+2 with Junebug, who happens to be another boy... This pregnancy has been so different from Bug's. For one, Junebug isn't anywhere near as active as big was. Don't get me wrong, Junebug moves, but hes not constantly kicking ans squirming day in and day out like Bug was... There also, so far, hasn't been any complications. My asthma is being managed, there's no unexplained bleeding and a helluva lot less anxiety where the kid is involved. the typical aches and pains are much more pronounced though...
I think that about covers it for now... But I'm definitely going to see if i can get to this from the phone. I'd love to be able to make a post every day/every few days like I used to... Plus it was rather therapeutic.
Friday, November 7, 2014
October 30th 2014: HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAINBOW!!!
My rainbow Isaac Kaelan Justice was born October 30th 2014 at 1:58 am weighing 6lbs and measuring 20 3/4in long. He was and is beautiful and precious... I feel so blessed that he is here and home with me and Matt...
On October 28th I went in for what I thought would be a regular appointment... I'd been feeling miserable for the entire week, and for some reason I just could not go to bed without my Christopher Bear... I just couldn't... I'd been feeling pretty shitty and the bear brought me a sense of ease...
So when I went to the doctor I had every intention of planning my induction for around the 8th if Isaac hadn't arrived by the due date, Nov. 5th.
But when Dr. Martin came in my world was turned upside down. What she said threw me for a loop, and explained why I'd been feeling so miserable.
"Well, I know that you planned to be induced later but it looks like it'll be happening sooner." I looked at her curiously and she then told me that aside from the high blood pressure they had discovered a helluvalot of protein in my urine. What's funny is the process they use is basically a spot check... Its not even a full analysis. Being term she wasn't overly concerned as she could just induce me as opposed to making me do a 24hr urine catch and things like that. She wanted to get him out as soon as possible. I at first wanted to wait until Halloween, but after realizing that she wouldn't be there on that day and me wanting her to deliver him I asked her what her version of 'as soon as possible' was. Her response was 'tomorrow'. So we discussed a time and settled on 2pm the 29th. I was excited to know that soon Isaac would be out of my body and in this world and I'd be able to meet him at last.
Oddly enough I wasn't surprised in the slightest about the preeclampsia, rather I was wondering when it would pop up. Knowing that my biological mother has hbp out the wazoo (she was/is on meds for it) I knew it was only a matter of time before it showed up... Even though I held out hope for me to not have any bp issues I wasn't disappointed. So I went home and got as ready as I could for my son...
October 29th I went in as scheduled and they got me hooked up... My first nurse was a sweetheart named Jen. Poor nurse had a rough time getting the IV in as my veins kept rolling, but she was awesome. She ended up having to have a different nurse, I think her name was/is Robin, to do it and she managed to get the IV in me. So I settled in for a semi long wait as I knew it'd be a while before it would be time to evict my tenant. XD
I had settled on using a fentanyl drip for pain maintenance, only opting for the epidural as an extreme last resort... I don't like needles and I sure as hell didn't want one near my spine... I was started on pitocin to get the contractions started... I hadn't even noticed they'd started me on it until they upped the dosage to 4 units... Sneaky devils. lol So not much really to tell except that Angie, Paul, Evan, Laura, Olivia, and Vicki were all there lending support. And of course Matt was there.
As the hours went on they continued to up my dose of pitocin and I rolled and bounced around on my exercise ball to help counteract the pain and help bring him down into my hips and whatnot. At either 8 or 10 units I began to feel like I was leaking or at least starting to leak amniotic fluid, but I wasn't. No bulging bag of water, but I was finally 5cm dilated. Dr. Martin broke my bag of waters and then the real fun began. After my water was broken the contractions doubled in strength and in intensity... They also picked up. They took forever on the fentanyl drip as I struggled to maintain a good breathing rhythm as the contractions came hard and fast... I seriously wanted to punch one nurse in the face and I struggled greatly not to yell at her to get the damn drip because of the back labor... Ahh yes... The back labor... I still had it and it hurt like a bitch... I figured there was no escaping it even though baby was supposedly in the birthing position. My pitocin drip stayed at 11 units as my contractions were getting stronger and stronger... And the fentanyl drip wasn't even touching the pain...
Finally at 9 1/2cm dilated I couldn't take it anymore... Angie had come in and suggested the epidural and I finally agreed... I needed relief if I was to push this baby out... I needed relief from the back labor... They took forever getting that too, but only because I needed to have a certain amount of fluid in me before they put it in... I just wanted the damn epidural. XD Once I'd pushed enough fluids the anesthesiologist came in to do my epidural. I have to say, as terrified as I was of the epidural, he was so calm and so sweet that it calmed my nerves. He was able to do it easily and swiftly despite my immense pain. Within minutes the epidural was in and the pain relief began... Not too much later I didn't even feel the contractions unless I was paying attention, as it completely got rid of the back labor, leaving only pressure waves coming from my uterus from the contractions themselves. It was amazing... I was able to finally relax and doze off. I didn't sleep but the dozing definitely helped things, and poor Matt finally was able to have his hand back. XD After 15 minutes the Dr. came back to check on me saying that it was perfectly normal to be able to move my feet and that I was handling the medication very well. Dr. Martin finally checked me and was surprised to find that little Isaac was already on his way out. In a total of about 10 minutes and 6 good pushes Isaac Kaelan Justice entered the world.
Covered in goo as he was he was gorgeous. He had (and still does have) a full head of black hair as he came out. He didn't cry at first but when he was placed on my belly he cracked one eye open as if to say "I'm here mommy." His mouth was wide open as if he was screaming silently but they had to hurry to get him to breathe so they whisked him away. To finally hear his cry was a big relief.
I ended up with a 1st degree tear that I watched Dr. Martin stitch up. She was awesome, letting me use a mirror to see his birth, letting me touch his head as he was crowning, and even letting me touch his placenta and umbilical cord (which feels really, really weird by the way)... As she stitched me up she was praising me for how well I had done, saying I was a natural born pusher and how she didn't know how I had managed to get to 10cm in the first place as I had to push at every other contraction.
My beautiful boy... My rainbow baby was born October 30th 2014 at 1:58 am weighing 6 pounds and 20 3/4 inches long. He was absolutely perfect.
I have to say that giving birth was a powerful experience and something I never thought I would get to do. I have no regrets and I have a beautiful rainbow baby home with me.
On October 28th I went in for what I thought would be a regular appointment... I'd been feeling miserable for the entire week, and for some reason I just could not go to bed without my Christopher Bear... I just couldn't... I'd been feeling pretty shitty and the bear brought me a sense of ease...
So when I went to the doctor I had every intention of planning my induction for around the 8th if Isaac hadn't arrived by the due date, Nov. 5th.
But when Dr. Martin came in my world was turned upside down. What she said threw me for a loop, and explained why I'd been feeling so miserable.
"Well, I know that you planned to be induced later but it looks like it'll be happening sooner." I looked at her curiously and she then told me that aside from the high blood pressure they had discovered a helluvalot of protein in my urine. What's funny is the process they use is basically a spot check... Its not even a full analysis. Being term she wasn't overly concerned as she could just induce me as opposed to making me do a 24hr urine catch and things like that. She wanted to get him out as soon as possible. I at first wanted to wait until Halloween, but after realizing that she wouldn't be there on that day and me wanting her to deliver him I asked her what her version of 'as soon as possible' was. Her response was 'tomorrow'. So we discussed a time and settled on 2pm the 29th. I was excited to know that soon Isaac would be out of my body and in this world and I'd be able to meet him at last.
Oddly enough I wasn't surprised in the slightest about the preeclampsia, rather I was wondering when it would pop up. Knowing that my biological mother has hbp out the wazoo (she was/is on meds for it) I knew it was only a matter of time before it showed up... Even though I held out hope for me to not have any bp issues I wasn't disappointed. So I went home and got as ready as I could for my son...
October 29th I went in as scheduled and they got me hooked up... My first nurse was a sweetheart named Jen. Poor nurse had a rough time getting the IV in as my veins kept rolling, but she was awesome. She ended up having to have a different nurse, I think her name was/is Robin, to do it and she managed to get the IV in me. So I settled in for a semi long wait as I knew it'd be a while before it would be time to evict my tenant. XD
I had settled on using a fentanyl drip for pain maintenance, only opting for the epidural as an extreme last resort... I don't like needles and I sure as hell didn't want one near my spine... I was started on pitocin to get the contractions started... I hadn't even noticed they'd started me on it until they upped the dosage to 4 units... Sneaky devils. lol So not much really to tell except that Angie, Paul, Evan, Laura, Olivia, and Vicki were all there lending support. And of course Matt was there.
As the hours went on they continued to up my dose of pitocin and I rolled and bounced around on my exercise ball to help counteract the pain and help bring him down into my hips and whatnot. At either 8 or 10 units I began to feel like I was leaking or at least starting to leak amniotic fluid, but I wasn't. No bulging bag of water, but I was finally 5cm dilated. Dr. Martin broke my bag of waters and then the real fun began. After my water was broken the contractions doubled in strength and in intensity... They also picked up. They took forever on the fentanyl drip as I struggled to maintain a good breathing rhythm as the contractions came hard and fast... I seriously wanted to punch one nurse in the face and I struggled greatly not to yell at her to get the damn drip because of the back labor... Ahh yes... The back labor... I still had it and it hurt like a bitch... I figured there was no escaping it even though baby was supposedly in the birthing position. My pitocin drip stayed at 11 units as my contractions were getting stronger and stronger... And the fentanyl drip wasn't even touching the pain...
Finally at 9 1/2cm dilated I couldn't take it anymore... Angie had come in and suggested the epidural and I finally agreed... I needed relief if I was to push this baby out... I needed relief from the back labor... They took forever getting that too, but only because I needed to have a certain amount of fluid in me before they put it in... I just wanted the damn epidural. XD Once I'd pushed enough fluids the anesthesiologist came in to do my epidural. I have to say, as terrified as I was of the epidural, he was so calm and so sweet that it calmed my nerves. He was able to do it easily and swiftly despite my immense pain. Within minutes the epidural was in and the pain relief began... Not too much later I didn't even feel the contractions unless I was paying attention, as it completely got rid of the back labor, leaving only pressure waves coming from my uterus from the contractions themselves. It was amazing... I was able to finally relax and doze off. I didn't sleep but the dozing definitely helped things, and poor Matt finally was able to have his hand back. XD After 15 minutes the Dr. came back to check on me saying that it was perfectly normal to be able to move my feet and that I was handling the medication very well. Dr. Martin finally checked me and was surprised to find that little Isaac was already on his way out. In a total of about 10 minutes and 6 good pushes Isaac Kaelan Justice entered the world.
Covered in goo as he was he was gorgeous. He had (and still does have) a full head of black hair as he came out. He didn't cry at first but when he was placed on my belly he cracked one eye open as if to say "I'm here mommy." His mouth was wide open as if he was screaming silently but they had to hurry to get him to breathe so they whisked him away. To finally hear his cry was a big relief.
I ended up with a 1st degree tear that I watched Dr. Martin stitch up. She was awesome, letting me use a mirror to see his birth, letting me touch his head as he was crowning, and even letting me touch his placenta and umbilical cord (which feels really, really weird by the way)... As she stitched me up she was praising me for how well I had done, saying I was a natural born pusher and how she didn't know how I had managed to get to 10cm in the first place as I had to push at every other contraction.
My beautiful boy... My rainbow baby was born October 30th 2014 at 1:58 am weighing 6 pounds and 20 3/4 inches long. He was absolutely perfect.
I have to say that giving birth was a powerful experience and something I never thought I would get to do. I have no regrets and I have a beautiful rainbow baby home with me.
Monday, October 27, 2014
October 28th, 2014: I need serenity, in a place where I can hide
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference...
I can't change the fact that 3 of my precious babies are gone... But God, just give me peace... I dont need all these roiling emotions right now as I am so close to delivering my rainbow... I'm already overwhelmed from all the back pain...
I'm already out in the open... You took my hiding spot away from me long ago... You made it clear long ago that I have things to do on this blasted planet... You gave me an amazing husband that keeps me anchored here in this world, instead of joining my babies...
I cant take all of this right now... I cant take the back pain, the swollen ankles, the barely being able to move, the insensitive comments from my mom, and the pain from losing my children, the pain from not being able to hold Chris's body and feel his warmth... To see him smile...
Why? Why me? Why so many times?
Please just let Isaac come already. I cant take anymore pain and I need him in my arms crying and breathing... I need him out so I can see him smile and walk and hear him laugh and coo... I need relief from the physical pain...
I need serenity in a place where I can hide...
I can't change the fact that 3 of my precious babies are gone... But God, just give me peace... I dont need all these roiling emotions right now as I am so close to delivering my rainbow... I'm already overwhelmed from all the back pain...
I'm already out in the open... You took my hiding spot away from me long ago... You made it clear long ago that I have things to do on this blasted planet... You gave me an amazing husband that keeps me anchored here in this world, instead of joining my babies...
I cant take all of this right now... I cant take the back pain, the swollen ankles, the barely being able to move, the insensitive comments from my mom, and the pain from losing my children, the pain from not being able to hold Chris's body and feel his warmth... To see him smile...
Why? Why me? Why so many times?
Please just let Isaac come already. I cant take anymore pain and I need him in my arms crying and breathing... I need him out so I can see him smile and walk and hear him laugh and coo... I need relief from the physical pain...
I need serenity in a place where I can hide...
Sunday, October 26, 2014
October 27th, 2014: A Year and Two months exactly and More Bullshit
Ironically I didnt even realize the date today until I just looked at the date... Chris is 14 months old today... His adjusted age is a little over 8mos old...
God I miss him so much... Lately I've been sleeping with his Molly Bear because I've been so- moody? Anyway, sleeping with his bear brings me comfort and today was a really good day until I talked to my mom... I should have known by now she's... just difficult to communicate with... And whenever I mention Chris she says the most ridiculous things...
She had me sobbing tonight... And even now as I think about it I'm starting to get really really depressed... Poor Matt... But I have an awesome future husband and I feel really blessed to have him and his support...
Conversation goes like this...
Mom: Don't be down. I know it's rough when it seems know one believes you. But I do honey.He's your first just remember he is your first. It's all new to you.
Me: He's my first full term. He's not my first.
And I'm not trying to be rude so sorry if it sounded like that
Mom: Ok please don't be snappy. I will talk to you sometime. You know what I meant. Most people try not to linger over sad situations. This is a very happy, joyous occasion. We will talk maybe talk tomorrow.
Me: I'm not trying to be snappy. And I'm not lingering.
I just dont think its fair that they are not acknowledged because they didnt come home with me.
Its like saying Aunt Carrie didnt exist and make a difference because she's gone now.
Mom: Ok good night. I very had a still birth and a miscarriage. So I feel you
Just don't think that I need to go their with you. People that didn't know you were pregnant or could see you that you were pregnant don't feel like you. Nikki had a few miscarriages before she got pregnant with mymy. As far as Aunt Carrie. How can you you compare. It's not the same. Aunt Carrie lived 97 years out of the womb produced 4 children and had 2 still births. Not the same. talk later.
Me: Fine. Ttyl
God I miss him so much... Lately I've been sleeping with his Molly Bear because I've been so- moody? Anyway, sleeping with his bear brings me comfort and today was a really good day until I talked to my mom... I should have known by now she's... just difficult to communicate with... And whenever I mention Chris she says the most ridiculous things...
She had me sobbing tonight... And even now as I think about it I'm starting to get really really depressed... Poor Matt... But I have an awesome future husband and I feel really blessed to have him and his support...
Conversation goes like this...
Mom: Don't be down. I know it's rough when it seems know one believes you. But I do honey.He's your first just remember he is your first. It's all new to you.
Me: He's my first full term. He's not my first.
And I'm not trying to be rude so sorry if it sounded like that
Mom: Ok please don't be snappy. I will talk to you sometime. You know what I meant. Most people try not to linger over sad situations. This is a very happy, joyous occasion. We will talk maybe talk tomorrow.
Me: I'm not trying to be snappy. And I'm not lingering.
I just dont think its fair that they are not acknowledged because they didnt come home with me.
Its like saying Aunt Carrie didnt exist and make a difference because she's gone now.
Mom: Ok good night. I very had a still birth and a miscarriage. So I feel you
Just don't think that I need to go their with you. People that didn't know you were pregnant or could see you that you were pregnant don't feel like you. Nikki had a few miscarriages before she got pregnant with mymy. As far as Aunt Carrie. How can you you compare. It's not the same. Aunt Carrie lived 97 years out of the womb produced 4 children and had 2 still births. Not the same. talk later.
Me: Fine. Ttyl
What the fuck? Seriously? Not the same. So Jade, Chris, and Serenity dont matter because they didnt live for 97 fucking years like my Aunt Carrie? And this is someone who claims to have had both a stillbirth and a miscarriage.
SERIOUSLY? Needless to say I went to my room sobbing... To my own mother, my babies shouldn't be mentioned because they didnt come home with me... They shouldnt be mentioned because they didnt get to have any firsts like my Aunt Carrie. I'm not allowed to talk about my children because they are dead... And my wonderful husband... He went into our room and held me while I sobbed into his shoulder... At first I couldn't even find the words to try to explain what had even happened... I just cried... And I still feel like bawling my eyes out...
I have to act like Isaac is my first child because that what people see... They cant see Jade, Chris, and Serenity, so they dont exist... And that's total bullshit...
I'm gonna go to bed before I start bawling again...
Thursday, October 23, 2014
October 23rd, 2014: Making a difference and looking toward the future
I've always been one of those people who want to make a change... To make a difference... And as I look down at my body, I realize just how far I've come...
You see, I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow... That's quite a change... Quite a difference... But I am still dealing with losses of my own... Losing two confirmed pregnancies and one suspected doesnt make things easy for me...
Looking toward the future I will always be reminded of the babies I lost... Jade... Christopher... Serenity... And in turn I will always be reminded of babies like Preston, Hunter, Connor and Benjamin... Silas, Joanna...
I wonder how many are lucky enough to have their rainbow... To have that monumental change in their life... How many can look to the future with smiles on their faces because they have a rainbow, and change, to look forward to...
Its funny how without people there would be no change... Without people there would be no life lessons learned, no little miracles called children... No one would experience things good or bad... Its people, whether you've had good experiences or bad, that make all the difference in the world...
My friend Cat wrote a blog post about survival... Oddly my life has been full of that... And unfortunately most of it hasnt been the positive type of survival... I once didnt see the point of looking toward the future, but because people were so derogatory I made up my mind to prove them wrong... Until my body started working against me...
When you meet me personally I seem... Aloof... My scarred past is easily visible and is often felt because I'm not social in the slightest... I DON'T like people... Much :D It takes a while of watching and observing before I'll interact with my surroundings, especially if those surroundings are people... Yet as I said its people that make a difference... Chris, Jade, Ben and Connor, Silas, Preston, Cat... Those beautiful souls have touched mine and made a difference. The support I get and have from Cat and so many others that are on the board that Cat and I frequent... I never in my life expected such understanding... Such love and acceptance... And from total strangers that I am now honored to call my friends and family...
Cat say's I've made a difference... Maybe I have... But the difference she and so many others have made in my life are the inspiration and driving force behind my desire to make a difference to the people who need it most. She honors her precious baby boy and spreads a bit of happiness and I want to help her.
Losing a child isnt easy... Losing more than one really fucking sucks (excuse the profanity). But those tiny people make an impact... Maybe not on everyone... But they certainly leave a mark.
You see, I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow... That's quite a change... Quite a difference... But I am still dealing with losses of my own... Losing two confirmed pregnancies and one suspected doesnt make things easy for me...
Looking toward the future I will always be reminded of the babies I lost... Jade... Christopher... Serenity... And in turn I will always be reminded of babies like Preston, Hunter, Connor and Benjamin... Silas, Joanna...
I wonder how many are lucky enough to have their rainbow... To have that monumental change in their life... How many can look to the future with smiles on their faces because they have a rainbow, and change, to look forward to...
Its funny how without people there would be no change... Without people there would be no life lessons learned, no little miracles called children... No one would experience things good or bad... Its people, whether you've had good experiences or bad, that make all the difference in the world...
My friend Cat wrote a blog post about survival... Oddly my life has been full of that... And unfortunately most of it hasnt been the positive type of survival... I once didnt see the point of looking toward the future, but because people were so derogatory I made up my mind to prove them wrong... Until my body started working against me...
When you meet me personally I seem... Aloof... My scarred past is easily visible and is often felt because I'm not social in the slightest... I DON'T like people... Much :D It takes a while of watching and observing before I'll interact with my surroundings, especially if those surroundings are people... Yet as I said its people that make a difference... Chris, Jade, Ben and Connor, Silas, Preston, Cat... Those beautiful souls have touched mine and made a difference. The support I get and have from Cat and so many others that are on the board that Cat and I frequent... I never in my life expected such understanding... Such love and acceptance... And from total strangers that I am now honored to call my friends and family...
Cat say's I've made a difference... Maybe I have... But the difference she and so many others have made in my life are the inspiration and driving force behind my desire to make a difference to the people who need it most. She honors her precious baby boy and spreads a bit of happiness and I want to help her.
Losing a child isnt easy... Losing more than one really fucking sucks (excuse the profanity). But those tiny people make an impact... Maybe not on everyone... But they certainly leave a mark.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)