Tuesday, August 26, 2014
A year ago today... My full story
A year ago today my tiny perfect son Christopher Lee Justice was born. I had him in my bathroom at 1:10 am. He was 6in long and weighed 1.6oz.
A year ago today I was pregnant... Just like I am now, but the outcome was that instead of a take home baby, I got an angel instead...
I woke up to random spotting on my birthday last year... I'd discovered June of 2013 that I was pregnant and spent months getting the run around on getting pregnancy medicaid... I didnt find out until two weeks before all this went down that my medicaid never got turned off like I thought it did...
I got an OB consulation thingy set up for this day last year... I was blissful.. Feeling guilty at being 'ok' that Jade didnt make it I resolved to give this baby enough love for him and his big brother... But on my birthday everything changed.
I found myself in the er, worried that I was losing him... Matt (my SO) was exhausted from work the previous night... and I got checked by the people at Wishard... They said everything looked fine, and I remember them asking if I'd heard the heartbeat yet... I said no and they went and got a doppler... I heard my son's heartbeat at 167 bpm... So strong and so fast... I remember them giving me a pelvic exam and asking when my LMP was and being shocked when I told them it was May 7th... They kept acting like it was weird and whenever I'd ask why they were so surprised they never answered... I still remember the smile Matt had when he heard Chris's heartbeat... I'll never forget that look... The love and happiness in his eyes...
I would continue to spot on and off until the 26th, when I'd lose my mucus plug... I was at my housemate's mom's house for a pathfinder game and when I went to pee I noticed it... Again we went to the hospital, only to be told everything was fine. By that time my back was killing me... I never once realized that the 'growing pains' that I was having were in fact contractions... I'd been having them for two weeks now... They again seemed so surprised that my LMP was May 7th, and now I was beginning to get worried and frustrated... I knew the end was near but I was denid a cerclage, being told I didnt fit the guidelines... That you're not allowed a cerclage when you're having contractions... And yet they did nothing to stop them... They kept repeating that there was nothing they could do...
They sent me home and at around 9:30-9:45 my water broke... Luckily I was wearing a pad but I thought I'd peed myself. My back pain had reached an all time high so I took a shower with my SO and took a muscle relaxer and went to bed as he went to work...
I woke up to pee at around 1am and went to pee... I thought I had to suddenly poop so I pushed... And Chris's tiny feet and part of his cord popped out... I was in shock... I couldnt believe it was happening again... But gravity was working against me and he kept coming... All I could do was hold his tiny body as it slipped out of mine and make sure it didnt fall in the toilet... My son was born at 1:10 without ever taking a breath... I was definitely in shock... I asked Jake (a former housemate) to grab Matt's old phone and I called 911 saying I'd just miscarried... But Jake had no idea I was even pregnant...
They got here fairly quick. When they saw me holding Chris's tiny body the first words out of the first guy that entered was "I'm so sorry". As they were wheeling me out the door I told Jake to call Matt... I'd given him my phone that night... Jake told him to meet me at wishard and when he handed me the phone Matt's first sentence was "Did you miscarry?" I said yes and he said he was on his way.
He met us there and when he walked in there were tears in his eyes and a sadness I never want to see again on his face... He cried the tears that wouldnt come for me just yet... The people there kept asking if I was ok and I kept saying I'm in shock right now, the tears will come later... Mat tried to hold it together but he he was having trouble... The staff were nice and treated my child like a child... I was allowed to keep him with me. I hadnt delivered the placenta and they said it was best not to go home until I did...
I didnt want surgery so I opted for meds to help... But they didnt work... I spent 12 hrs trying to deliver Chris's placenta and had passed some really large clots... I ended up needing an emergency D&C to remove the placenta... I nearly needed a blood trasfusion and they filled me with three litres of fluid before they operated. When they said they had to do one I was soo afraid of being put to sleep... All I remember is thinking what would happen to Matt... I begged god not to let me fall asleep... Because of I did I knew I wouldnt wake up... And I couldnt do that to Matt...
I begged them not to put me to sleep, and thonkfully they listened... They gave me some sort of med that they put into my spine... I wouldnt feel any pain but I'd feel pressure...
I remember they strapped me down for some reason... Hot from the morphine and itchy form the med they shot into my spine I started to dose... And each time I started slipping something started to itch really badly and I'd be jolted back into wakefullness...
The operation was quick and successful... And I'd made it through to come ack to my tiny child and the man that will one day be my husband... I was inobservation for an hour and kept overnight, and discharged the 28th of last year...
Since then the road had been long and hard... I was numb for a long long time... But Matt has been my rock, my constant support when everything fell to shreds around me... Even though I wanted him tested they dipped him in that formeldahyde solution thingy too quickly...
I'll never truely know whether he was a trisomy baby or if he was just a normal baby with an isolated instance of a single umbilical artery... I'll never truely know if it was that or if it was solely my body's immune system destroying his lifeline...
But even though each and every day I miss him terribly, and ache for something his weight to hold once more, I'm grateful to have had the little bit of time that I did have...
Sunday, August 17, 2014
August 18, 2014: Honoring Angels and the Angel Wishing Tree
So on BabyCenter I created a thread... And in it I offered to make bracelets to honor lost babies...
You see, I'd been tormented by the fact I didn't know what to do to give back to the awesome people that had helped me cope with the loss of Christopher...
A dear friend of mine that I met on BBC (Babycenter) who wishes to remain anonymous has this amazing tree. She had started it as a wishing tree for her living daughter and then decided to include all of us moms (and possibly dads too) of angel babies...
She got a whole bunch of different color ribbons and made little leaf-like papers and wrote our babies names/nicknames on them and hung them on the tree... That selfless act not only floored me but made me wish ever so much harder for a way to repay her kindness...
I get to see all three of my babies in one spot here on earth... I may never get to hold them but to finally see them down here with me is the best feeling that only one who has gone through it will understand...
And so I thought and thought... Meanwhile a quilt was being made, a thread was made for dates that were significant to us, and then there's a thread to show off our photos or just tell our stories...
And finally, it was my turn... I crochet and one day I had the urge to look up how to make angel wings... And the rest fell into place.
I wasn't sure how much of a hit it would be, but it is definitely a hit, and I'm so honored and happy to finally be doing something to the many awesome people that helped me through my loss. I can never say the right words to say how much they and their angels have touched my life, but I'm hoping my bracelets will get it across.
You see, I'd been tormented by the fact I didn't know what to do to give back to the awesome people that had helped me cope with the loss of Christopher...
A dear friend of mine that I met on BBC (Babycenter) who wishes to remain anonymous has this amazing tree. She had started it as a wishing tree for her living daughter and then decided to include all of us moms (and possibly dads too) of angel babies...
She got a whole bunch of different color ribbons and made little leaf-like papers and wrote our babies names/nicknames on them and hung them on the tree... That selfless act not only floored me but made me wish ever so much harder for a way to repay her kindness...
I get to see all three of my babies in one spot here on earth... I may never get to hold them but to finally see them down here with me is the best feeling that only one who has gone through it will understand...
And so I thought and thought... Meanwhile a quilt was being made, a thread was made for dates that were significant to us, and then there's a thread to show off our photos or just tell our stories...
And finally, it was my turn... I crochet and one day I had the urge to look up how to make angel wings... And the rest fell into place.
I wasn't sure how much of a hit it would be, but it is definitely a hit, and I'm so honored and happy to finally be doing something to the many awesome people that helped me through my loss. I can never say the right words to say how much they and their angels have touched my life, but I'm hoping my bracelets will get it across.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
July 15th, 2014: Mystery Diagnosis and My Own Realizations
Recently I've been watching Mystery Diagnosis. It's an old show that used to air on Discovery Health before Oprah bought it and turned it to OWN (The Oprah Winfry Network). WHY she couldnt make her own damn channel with all that money I'll never understand (but thats a different tangent, and it has nothing to do with the topic of my blog so I'm leaving it be :P).
Mystery Diagnosis is about rare medical diseases that next to no one knows about. There are all sorts of rare diseases, like PNH (Paroxymal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria) which is potentially deadly if left untreated, PANDAS, which is an autoimmune disorder where the body's strep antibodies mistake your own neurons for the strep bacteria (you start to display tourettes and OCD behaviors), Maple Syrup Urine Disease where you body is unable to process two different amino acids and your urine smells like maple syrup. Ingesting those amino acids can be lethal. There are so, so many more and you can check them out on youtube.
There was one episode I watched on youtube. The video was called the boy who only hopped, where it showed his mystery diagnosis (PANDAS) and the diagnosis of a woman who had Autoimmune Progesterone Dermatitis... Which now leads me to the name of my post.
Thanks to an app called Fertility Friend I started tracking my cycles more in depth, and came to realize there is a pattern to my flare ups... My flare ups happen around the second half of my monthly cycles, which is when progesterone production spikes because you ovulate...
The flare ups are recreatable by exposing your body to the hormone, by intramuscular progesterone or a patch (which is what was used to solidify the lady's mystery diagnosis).
13 weeks gestation is when your baby's placenta is fully operational, and when your body starts producing progesterone rather than hcg. I started getting the progesterone shots at 13 weeks, and noticed that my eczema would flare horribly every time I got a new shot... Then I watched the PANDAS mystery diagnosis and it clicked... Because of the Fertility Friend app, I was made aware of the cycle in my flare ups... And then, it made me remember Chris... From 14w to when I lost him at 16w I had horrible eczema and had constant contractions that I was told was growing pains...
And now... My body had killed my son... My immune system killed my tiny child... A child that depended on me to keep him alive and safe... A child I felt I was ready to raise and to keep...It explained how I was able to get pregnant by taking Benadryl, both with Chris and with Isaac... Benadryl is an antihistamine, and represses your immune system... Reduces inflammation... I didnt have any Benadryl when I was pregnant with Chris... But I keep a constant supply now...
I'm at a loss for words really... My body, without medical help, will kill every child I conceive...
Mystery Diagnosis is about rare medical diseases that next to no one knows about. There are all sorts of rare diseases, like PNH (Paroxymal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria) which is potentially deadly if left untreated, PANDAS, which is an autoimmune disorder where the body's strep antibodies mistake your own neurons for the strep bacteria (you start to display tourettes and OCD behaviors), Maple Syrup Urine Disease where you body is unable to process two different amino acids and your urine smells like maple syrup. Ingesting those amino acids can be lethal. There are so, so many more and you can check them out on youtube.
There was one episode I watched on youtube. The video was called the boy who only hopped, where it showed his mystery diagnosis (PANDAS) and the diagnosis of a woman who had Autoimmune Progesterone Dermatitis... Which now leads me to the name of my post.
Thanks to an app called Fertility Friend I started tracking my cycles more in depth, and came to realize there is a pattern to my flare ups... My flare ups happen around the second half of my monthly cycles, which is when progesterone production spikes because you ovulate...
The flare ups are recreatable by exposing your body to the hormone, by intramuscular progesterone or a patch (which is what was used to solidify the lady's mystery diagnosis).
13 weeks gestation is when your baby's placenta is fully operational, and when your body starts producing progesterone rather than hcg. I started getting the progesterone shots at 13 weeks, and noticed that my eczema would flare horribly every time I got a new shot... Then I watched the PANDAS mystery diagnosis and it clicked... Because of the Fertility Friend app, I was made aware of the cycle in my flare ups... And then, it made me remember Chris... From 14w to when I lost him at 16w I had horrible eczema and had constant contractions that I was told was growing pains...
And now... My body had killed my son... My immune system killed my tiny child... A child that depended on me to keep him alive and safe... A child I felt I was ready to raise and to keep...It explained how I was able to get pregnant by taking Benadryl, both with Chris and with Isaac... Benadryl is an antihistamine, and represses your immune system... Reduces inflammation... I didnt have any Benadryl when I was pregnant with Chris... But I keep a constant supply now...
I'm at a loss for words really... My body, without medical help, will kill every child I conceive...
July 29th, 2014: Trying not to think about it... And failing miserably
So I ended up listening to an Eminem mix on YouTube... And one of the songs is "When I'm Gone". Once again I found myself in tears...
I've been trying not to think about my birthday. I've been trying not to think about the son I lost just last year... Trying not to think about the gaping hole that he left. Trying not to think of wanting to hold him or how if he was here he'd be almost a year...
But I'm failing miserably... My birthday... A time where I'm supposed to be happy and enjoying being pregnant with my son Isaac... But there's only trepidation as I inch ever so slowly toward that date... You see, my birthday is the first and only time I got to hear his heartbeat... And six days later I caught him as he came out of me when I went to go pee that morning...
The pain is still fresh. It still hurts like hell... I didn't get to see him smile, or hold him and tell him I love him. He never got to truly hear my voice like Isaac does, or feel my hand on his home like Isaac... He didn't get to take a breath on his birthday... His tiny little heart had stopped beating when my water broke, or he suffocated when the his umbilical cord hit air... I never saw his little chest move, never felt any of his little muscles move...
It's almost been a year... Last year, I was pregnant on my birthday, and happy... This year, I'll be pregnant on my birthday... But this time... I don't really know what to feel.
I've been trying not to think about my birthday. I've been trying not to think about the son I lost just last year... Trying not to think about the gaping hole that he left. Trying not to think of wanting to hold him or how if he was here he'd be almost a year...
But I'm failing miserably... My birthday... A time where I'm supposed to be happy and enjoying being pregnant with my son Isaac... But there's only trepidation as I inch ever so slowly toward that date... You see, my birthday is the first and only time I got to hear his heartbeat... And six days later I caught him as he came out of me when I went to go pee that morning...
The pain is still fresh. It still hurts like hell... I didn't get to see him smile, or hold him and tell him I love him. He never got to truly hear my voice like Isaac does, or feel my hand on his home like Isaac... He didn't get to take a breath on his birthday... His tiny little heart had stopped beating when my water broke, or he suffocated when the his umbilical cord hit air... I never saw his little chest move, never felt any of his little muscles move...
It's almost been a year... Last year, I was pregnant on my birthday, and happy... This year, I'll be pregnant on my birthday... But this time... I don't really know what to feel.
Monday, June 23, 2014
June 23rd, 2014 An angel's birthday, Christopher, and Isaac
First I want to give a shout out to a little angel born this day... I shall not name him, as I do not have permission, but he and his mother, whom I shall simply refer to as A, have touched my lives in more ways than one...
My heart goes out to you A on your son's birthday. I wish you nothing but the best. I pray your day is filled with nothing but happiness and that your little boy can spend the day with you... Know that he is always in your heart and soul, and always wants you to hold your head high and smile.
Missing Christopher... My secondborn son... It hurts... I ended up sleeping with his bunny that I got at Wishard Hospital when I brought his tiny, still body to the hospital with me...
My son is with me, I can feel him... And I am blessed to be able to see him and Jade with my own eye from time to time... No, I did not misspell the word... I have long been told I have the 'gift'... What is the 'gift' you ask? The gift of sight... Being Psychic... We all have it... Some are told that having the 'gift' is 'of the devil', Some grow out of it, as one would do their clothes. Some block it out completely, some are raised knowing that their gift is meant to be used, and they train to use it to their advantage, and to the advantage of others. And then there are yet more who, have it but do not know how to train in that aspect, knowing that to speak about it means to be locked in an institution.
I am one such 'child'. I've had the gift, and retained my childish love and wonder of life and the world. I've never been trained to use it, and to speak up and try to find a person to teach me in such a dangerous world, would land me in immense trouble... And so I do nothing... But I relish in being blessed enough to see my angels, and to be able to 'see' and sense the other angels, like A's little boy.
Today I woke after seeing my adopted family, some of whom I havent seen in years... It was nice, but also awkward... You see, I havent forgotten the slight my adopted mother did to me and Matt... When I lost Chris, I told her a few days later. When I was called by the Dr. that had attended me, he told me that Chris had a two vessel cord, when he should have had one with three vessels... I googled it and learned that it was called SUA, or Single Umbilical Artery, and that it was most often associated with a trisomy, which is when you have three copies of a gene.
Fortunately for Chris, he didnt have any congenital defects... He was perfectly formed. I'll never know his genetics, as the Dr. didnt get to him in time to get a sample of the placenta for testing.
Being pregnant with my rainbow, and being around them, makes me awkward because my adopted mom said I'd made Chris up to keep Matt with me... The same thing she said about Jade and Joe... I do not have that kind of conniving ability... And it doesnt make sense either... How would losing a kid make the guy want to stay? If anything that means he no longer has an obligation to me... And saying you're pregnant isnt going to keep a person with you anyway. Lots of guys have walked out on women when they've announced that they're pregnant...
But now I'm expected to act like everything's ok when it's not. I'm expected to let her throw me a baby shower, and let her buy things for Isaac, and let her hold him, and play nice. I dont blame Matt for not wanting anything to do with her, but what happens when Isaac is born and he's old enough to comprehend what we do? What then when he sees Matt is still holding his grudge for what she did to Chris? I dont want him to grow up in the very thing I despise...
And yet... What can I really do, when I feel he is justified and would love nothing more than to tell Celia to fuck off.
My heart goes out to you A on your son's birthday. I wish you nothing but the best. I pray your day is filled with nothing but happiness and that your little boy can spend the day with you... Know that he is always in your heart and soul, and always wants you to hold your head high and smile.
Missing Christopher... My secondborn son... It hurts... I ended up sleeping with his bunny that I got at Wishard Hospital when I brought his tiny, still body to the hospital with me...
My son is with me, I can feel him... And I am blessed to be able to see him and Jade with my own eye from time to time... No, I did not misspell the word... I have long been told I have the 'gift'... What is the 'gift' you ask? The gift of sight... Being Psychic... We all have it... Some are told that having the 'gift' is 'of the devil', Some grow out of it, as one would do their clothes. Some block it out completely, some are raised knowing that their gift is meant to be used, and they train to use it to their advantage, and to the advantage of others. And then there are yet more who, have it but do not know how to train in that aspect, knowing that to speak about it means to be locked in an institution.
I am one such 'child'. I've had the gift, and retained my childish love and wonder of life and the world. I've never been trained to use it, and to speak up and try to find a person to teach me in such a dangerous world, would land me in immense trouble... And so I do nothing... But I relish in being blessed enough to see my angels, and to be able to 'see' and sense the other angels, like A's little boy.
Today I woke after seeing my adopted family, some of whom I havent seen in years... It was nice, but also awkward... You see, I havent forgotten the slight my adopted mother did to me and Matt... When I lost Chris, I told her a few days later. When I was called by the Dr. that had attended me, he told me that Chris had a two vessel cord, when he should have had one with three vessels... I googled it and learned that it was called SUA, or Single Umbilical Artery, and that it was most often associated with a trisomy, which is when you have three copies of a gene.
Fortunately for Chris, he didnt have any congenital defects... He was perfectly formed. I'll never know his genetics, as the Dr. didnt get to him in time to get a sample of the placenta for testing.
Being pregnant with my rainbow, and being around them, makes me awkward because my adopted mom said I'd made Chris up to keep Matt with me... The same thing she said about Jade and Joe... I do not have that kind of conniving ability... And it doesnt make sense either... How would losing a kid make the guy want to stay? If anything that means he no longer has an obligation to me... And saying you're pregnant isnt going to keep a person with you anyway. Lots of guys have walked out on women when they've announced that they're pregnant...
But now I'm expected to act like everything's ok when it's not. I'm expected to let her throw me a baby shower, and let her buy things for Isaac, and let her hold him, and play nice. I dont blame Matt for not wanting anything to do with her, but what happens when Isaac is born and he's old enough to comprehend what we do? What then when he sees Matt is still holding his grudge for what she did to Chris? I dont want him to grow up in the very thing I despise...
And yet... What can I really do, when I feel he is justified and would love nothing more than to tell Celia to fuck off.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
June 21st, 2014: Two months until my birthday... And until I'm 29+1
Two months until my birthday... Two months until I'm 29 weeks and 1 day pregnant with my rainbow Isaac...
As I think about this I realize it's going to be awkward as all hell... I'll have to deal with three things... One, attention because it's my birthday, and that's iffy since I live on my own; Even more attention because I'm pregnant again with my third child, yet another boy... ; And then there's the matter of his big brother Christopher...
On my birthday I began spotting when I was pregnant with my son's big brother Christopher... That day I heard Chris's heartbeat... The most wonderful sound I'd ever heard...
And as you all know Chris has gone on to earn his wings...
So many emotions... It will be expected for me to act all giddy and happy that its not only my birthday, but that I'm pregnant with my son Isaac... But how can I just act like nothing ever happened... Too many people will have expected me to have 'gotten over it' which is the biggest bullshit you can say to someone who has lost a child...
I cant just 'get over it'. To do so would be to deny my own son... To deny BOTH of my children...
Two months until the memory of the beginning of the countdown... And in six days it will two months until a year has passed...
As I think about this I realize it's going to be awkward as all hell... I'll have to deal with three things... One, attention because it's my birthday, and that's iffy since I live on my own; Even more attention because I'm pregnant again with my third child, yet another boy... ; And then there's the matter of his big brother Christopher...
On my birthday I began spotting when I was pregnant with my son's big brother Christopher... That day I heard Chris's heartbeat... The most wonderful sound I'd ever heard...
And as you all know Chris has gone on to earn his wings...
So many emotions... It will be expected for me to act all giddy and happy that its not only my birthday, but that I'm pregnant with my son Isaac... But how can I just act like nothing ever happened... Too many people will have expected me to have 'gotten over it' which is the biggest bullshit you can say to someone who has lost a child...
I cant just 'get over it'. To do so would be to deny my own son... To deny BOTH of my children...
Two months until the memory of the beginning of the countdown... And in six days it will two months until a year has passed...
Friday, May 30, 2014
May 30th, 2014: It just might be starting to sink in...
So Matt and I went to Wal-Mart today... And Half Priced Books... And I got Bean his first book... I figured 'Why not?' I need to start talking to him anyway and this is definitely a good way to start, considering I feel awkward if I try to do it like I'm actually talking to someone...
But I think it's actually starting to sink in... I'm having another son... I'm talking baby stuff now... Cosleepers, books, clothes. Carseats... And I'm thinking 'Where am I gonna fit all this stuff?'
I cant help but think is this what would have happened if Chris was still here? I know he's watching us, and so is Jade.
I look at the pictures of two of my three boys... Chris and Bean... I have no pics of Jade. I lost him at around 6w. I never had that first ultrasound or anything... I look at Chris and Bean and I smile... I was blessed with a second chance... Chris is a big brother, something I never thought was going to happen... But Bean is here, and is still going strong.
My heart swells with pride when I see Bean's pics. He looks so much like Chris... So long and lanky. This is Bean... But I can't help but see Chris in him. And I'm not sad... I'm so proud of my sons. All three of them...
Its sinking in... I have three boys... And this third one is the one I get to take home. I have the best group of Dr's I could hope for... Third time really is a charm.
<3 <3
But I think it's actually starting to sink in... I'm having another son... I'm talking baby stuff now... Cosleepers, books, clothes. Carseats... And I'm thinking 'Where am I gonna fit all this stuff?'
I cant help but think is this what would have happened if Chris was still here? I know he's watching us, and so is Jade.
I look at the pictures of two of my three boys... Chris and Bean... I have no pics of Jade. I lost him at around 6w. I never had that first ultrasound or anything... I look at Chris and Bean and I smile... I was blessed with a second chance... Chris is a big brother, something I never thought was going to happen... But Bean is here, and is still going strong.
My heart swells with pride when I see Bean's pics. He looks so much like Chris... So long and lanky. This is Bean... But I can't help but see Chris in him. And I'm not sad... I'm so proud of my sons. All three of them...
Its sinking in... I have three boys... And this third one is the one I get to take home. I have the best group of Dr's I could hope for... Third time really is a charm.
<3 <3
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