I hate that my moods are all over the place. I'm tired, I feel blah, I'm depressed that I've never gotten to experience anything but heartache, and I'm really tired of these mood swings. I need to do homework but I don't have my textbooks so I can't really and I feel like a failure because of it. Worse though is the fact that I can't work on my stories. I keep blanking. I'm bored out of my mind. And there's no music that isn't depressing or makes me feel blegh.
Maybe Richard is right. I need to do something with my life. And maybe the military is what I need. I need a complete overhaul for my life. I'm so dissatisfied with my life right now, despite the fact that I love being in school. Maybe it's because I just want to get the hell out of dodge. I'm still trapped. My attorney wants me to wait until Junebug is two before deciding whether or not to still fight or just sign my rights away. And I really need to get my license.But I'm terrified of being behind the wheel of a car. But I have to. I can't let my fear of manning a vehicle hold me back.
I'm so tired of dealing with Beth and Nikita, though it's been a couple of weeks since I've spoken to Nikita, or even seen her for that matter, but that's fine by me.
Ugh... I can't stand feeling like this. It's weird. A shower should make me feel better. And I think I'll crochet... After I do some yoga. I need to do more things for myself. On another note, I'm finally beginning to build a new wardrobe- of things I like to wear. I can't wait until it's finished. Maybe I'll feel better about myself as I get more clothing that fits me and my sense of style. I just know that something needs to change.
Sunday, April 8, 2018
Saturday, April 7, 2018
April 7, 2018
I'm starting to think that it's impossible to have a day that is good... But then again, what is good, other than a personal perspective... But that counts for something yeah?
But it's annoying. It's always something, especially with Matt. He's had a stick up his ass all day, and of course it's when the kids are here for their visit. There's never a day where it's worry free. I don't know if it's because I'm still picking up on family karma or simply because of my environment that I'm currently in. I hate him on days like this, because he's nothing more than a petty child that about as mature as a 6 month old. Most days he's got the maturity of a 18 month old, which I can handle, but I swear to goodness, when he's like this I want to punch him dead in the mouth- and that's saying something because I'm typically nonviolent. I really, really should have gotten the hell outta dodge when I first threatened to do so... I should've taken my kid (Junebug hadn't been conceived at the time or was in utero- I can't remember) and dipped. Fuck taking clothing, I should've just walked out that door that night and started fresh somewhere since I'd begun to clue into the warning signs.
That is my regret. He's completely torn us apart. He's belittled me, gaslighted me, dehumanized me, he never gives me any support, and he hates it when I take care of myself or do things that takes away from his attention- like caring for children or going to school. He doesn't respect my boundaries, opinions, knowledge, or anything else and then practically demands my money. But I'm hellbent on getting the hell out of here. I've got a bike, I can sort through my clothes and pick what I want to take with me, which will likely be whatever I can fit into my backpacks merely for simplicity.
I'm terrified though. I've never lived by myself before- and having to things all on my own is going to be difficult. But I also know that this is what I need to do- and I'm excited to do it. I know I can make it on my own, and it'll be awesome to have my own space that I can have all to my own. A space where I won't be belittled for taking a shower, or for doing homework. A place where I can truly unwind and have friends over and even finally drive and own a car of my own. A place where I can have children in my space once more, whether that be because I have more or because I win this bullshit CPS/DCS CHINS case and get my Bugs back. A space where I can finally be me instead of what everyone else demands I be.
It's funny I suppose, that my motto is to not have any regret, and yet I now have one. But I'm ok with that. I've made my peace with it, and I've learned from my mistake. I know what not to do, and am preparing for when this chapter in my life is over. I'm excited and terrified, because I'm so close to being free of these chains... so close to breaking out of this cage I'm in. So close to being free.
But it's annoying. It's always something, especially with Matt. He's had a stick up his ass all day, and of course it's when the kids are here for their visit. There's never a day where it's worry free. I don't know if it's because I'm still picking up on family karma or simply because of my environment that I'm currently in. I hate him on days like this, because he's nothing more than a petty child that about as mature as a 6 month old. Most days he's got the maturity of a 18 month old, which I can handle, but I swear to goodness, when he's like this I want to punch him dead in the mouth- and that's saying something because I'm typically nonviolent. I really, really should have gotten the hell outta dodge when I first threatened to do so... I should've taken my kid (Junebug hadn't been conceived at the time or was in utero- I can't remember) and dipped. Fuck taking clothing, I should've just walked out that door that night and started fresh somewhere since I'd begun to clue into the warning signs.
That is my regret. He's completely torn us apart. He's belittled me, gaslighted me, dehumanized me, he never gives me any support, and he hates it when I take care of myself or do things that takes away from his attention- like caring for children or going to school. He doesn't respect my boundaries, opinions, knowledge, or anything else and then practically demands my money. But I'm hellbent on getting the hell out of here. I've got a bike, I can sort through my clothes and pick what I want to take with me, which will likely be whatever I can fit into my backpacks merely for simplicity.
I'm terrified though. I've never lived by myself before- and having to things all on my own is going to be difficult. But I also know that this is what I need to do- and I'm excited to do it. I know I can make it on my own, and it'll be awesome to have my own space that I can have all to my own. A space where I won't be belittled for taking a shower, or for doing homework. A place where I can truly unwind and have friends over and even finally drive and own a car of my own. A place where I can have children in my space once more, whether that be because I have more or because I win this bullshit CPS/DCS CHINS case and get my Bugs back. A space where I can finally be me instead of what everyone else demands I be.
It's funny I suppose, that my motto is to not have any regret, and yet I now have one. But I'm ok with that. I've made my peace with it, and I've learned from my mistake. I know what not to do, and am preparing for when this chapter in my life is over. I'm excited and terrified, because I'm so close to being free of these chains... so close to breaking out of this cage I'm in. So close to being free.
Friday, April 6, 2018
April 6, 2018
Today's been a tiring day. I had my TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) pre-trial hearing today and while it was quick, I'd rather not have had to do it in the first place. The emotion that spans this entire process is mostly disbelief and anger- when I'm not emotionally and mentally burned out. On a good note, I've got the same lawyer/attorney, but this entire case is utter and complete bullshit.
It is what it is though, and I can't change the past. Though for the first time in my life, I actually regret something. I suppose it's a good thing- I've learned a lot- but it's also solidified my hatred for people even more... and politics. Bureaucrats are nothing more than dirty little liars that use the law and any other means to destroy your life... Or at least that's the type I've been saddled with... Fucking Narcissists. As if living with one wasn't bad enough, I've got to deal with a whole team of them. *sigh* Fuck my life...
Working at UPS is fun though, but tiring as all get out. I load a trailer for about five hour straight (four hours and fifty minutes if you count the ten minute break), or longer if it's Monday or Tuesday. I'm amazed at how quickly I've begun to fit in there- I'm not used to fitting in. Ever the oddball, not that I usually have a problem with that. I've already begun to make friends- if you can call it that. The supervisors on my wing are pretty cool too, though about half of them are younger than I am (20-22 years old). My supervisor (currently) is female and is pretty nice, despite being female.
She was actually awesome yesterday. I'd just gotten chewed out by the wing sup(ervisor), Andy, about the fact I wasn't loading to the top of the trailer as if he had no clue how unsteady a leaning wall could be (He was frazzled so I don't blame him- we got derailed yesterday, and I'm betting it was mainly Silver Belt). After getting chewed out by him (at least he wasn't yelling), Andrea, my belt sup, came in and told me not to worry about Andy, that she knew that I was doing the best that I can; she complemented me on how well I built my walls and told me that Andy didn't see how well I built my walls because he wasn't often on Gray Belt (which is the belt I'm assigned to). I didn't tell her that I appreciated what she said, but I also didn't really have the chance. I just made her an origami lily as thanks- I didn't know how else to thank her.
I'm so frazzled about school, and so burned out that I have no clue what I'm going to do. I've got a visit with the kids tomorrow so I can't do any homework then, and I've still got my business plan to do. *sigh* This sucks. I totally need a break from life. I really need to make a schedule so that I can start catching up and actually stay on schedule with my classes. School is fun though, I'm learning a lot and my Professors are awesome. I fit in at school too, which is odd but nice.
My personal life is rather hectic as well, CPS/DCS not included. Work has me exhausted, and I'm trying to save up to move out of my current living situation, which is abusive. It's going ok I suppose (the saving up I mean), but of course I wish I had the money now so I didn't have to keep dealing with Matt's bullshit. I'm just tired of being so exhausted all the time., of wanting to do nothing but sleep.
It'll happen... Soon I'll break free of these chains and be free. Soon... I'll spread my wings and fly.
It is what it is though, and I can't change the past. Though for the first time in my life, I actually regret something. I suppose it's a good thing- I've learned a lot- but it's also solidified my hatred for people even more... and politics. Bureaucrats are nothing more than dirty little liars that use the law and any other means to destroy your life... Or at least that's the type I've been saddled with... Fucking Narcissists. As if living with one wasn't bad enough, I've got to deal with a whole team of them. *sigh* Fuck my life...
Working at UPS is fun though, but tiring as all get out. I load a trailer for about five hour straight (four hours and fifty minutes if you count the ten minute break), or longer if it's Monday or Tuesday. I'm amazed at how quickly I've begun to fit in there- I'm not used to fitting in. Ever the oddball, not that I usually have a problem with that. I've already begun to make friends- if you can call it that. The supervisors on my wing are pretty cool too, though about half of them are younger than I am (20-22 years old). My supervisor (currently) is female and is pretty nice, despite being female.
She was actually awesome yesterday. I'd just gotten chewed out by the wing sup(ervisor), Andy, about the fact I wasn't loading to the top of the trailer as if he had no clue how unsteady a leaning wall could be (He was frazzled so I don't blame him- we got derailed yesterday, and I'm betting it was mainly Silver Belt). After getting chewed out by him (at least he wasn't yelling), Andrea, my belt sup, came in and told me not to worry about Andy, that she knew that I was doing the best that I can; she complemented me on how well I built my walls and told me that Andy didn't see how well I built my walls because he wasn't often on Gray Belt (which is the belt I'm assigned to). I didn't tell her that I appreciated what she said, but I also didn't really have the chance. I just made her an origami lily as thanks- I didn't know how else to thank her.
I'm so frazzled about school, and so burned out that I have no clue what I'm going to do. I've got a visit with the kids tomorrow so I can't do any homework then, and I've still got my business plan to do. *sigh* This sucks. I totally need a break from life. I really need to make a schedule so that I can start catching up and actually stay on schedule with my classes. School is fun though, I'm learning a lot and my Professors are awesome. I fit in at school too, which is odd but nice.
My personal life is rather hectic as well, CPS/DCS not included. Work has me exhausted, and I'm trying to save up to move out of my current living situation, which is abusive. It's going ok I suppose (the saving up I mean), but of course I wish I had the money now so I didn't have to keep dealing with Matt's bullshit. I'm just tired of being so exhausted all the time., of wanting to do nothing but sleep.
It'll happen... Soon I'll break free of these chains and be free. Soon... I'll spread my wings and fly.
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
April 4, 2018
2018... This year isn't much better than the last.
In a nutshell, the darkest times really don't come in the night. I'm so ready to walk away from everything... Of transferring to an out of state school and making a new life there, wherever there is. Everything has been so fucked up... To the point that I contemplated suicide multiple times last year.
I haven't anymore because I'm determined to take advantage of my second chance, but I'm so overwhelmed right now. I just want to sleep for a week, or a month and let the world pass me by. I'm tired of dealing with the problems that I have to deal with, the shit I have to fight tooth and nail for.
Honestly I have half a mind to just move out now but I don't want to go to a shelter...
Hell... I'm too tired to even get all my thoughts onto this blog...
In a nutshell, the darkest times really don't come in the night. I'm so ready to walk away from everything... Of transferring to an out of state school and making a new life there, wherever there is. Everything has been so fucked up... To the point that I contemplated suicide multiple times last year.
I haven't anymore because I'm determined to take advantage of my second chance, but I'm so overwhelmed right now. I just want to sleep for a week, or a month and let the world pass me by. I'm tired of dealing with the problems that I have to deal with, the shit I have to fight tooth and nail for.
Honestly I have half a mind to just move out now but I don't want to go to a shelter...
Hell... I'm too tired to even get all my thoughts onto this blog...
December 11th, 2016
On this day, a year ago, my biological mother died of a heart attack...
Four days ago the courts saw fit to discriminate against me and take my children.
Five days ago I got another CPS visit for the same shit as last time...
Today, I'm barely holding myself together, barely keeping myself from sinking into the quicksand that is my Depression and PTSD...
You don't know what you've got until it's gone...
And now I fear for my own life... My kids are what brightened up my day. For as much as I complain about Junebug's loud cries, and Bug's boundless energy, I wouldn't have it any other way...
This house is too quiet..
Where are the cries, is the laughter, the thumping of my 2 year old's tiny feet across the carpet or floor, the sounds of the cabinets being open and shut.
Where is the crying because Junebug's gotten himself stuck again, the crying because he can't see mommy, the laughter when I tickle him...
This house is way too quiet,
Yesterday was so bad that I had to speak with someone from a crisis hotline...
My anxiety and depression are beginning to rule my life... My joy is no longer with me...
At least they are with family I've been told. Yeah they are, but they are not with me.
Because of the boy's absence I am beginning to see how much my depression and anxiety have truly taken over...
But I cannot find help. I've been searching for years, to no avail.
One thing after another prevents me from getting the help I seek.
My healthy families mentor has made it seem to CPS and the courts like I'm not seeking help and am so unstable I don't deserve my children.
Their Pediatricin has disreguarded every concern I've had, only to turn around and call CPS after we missed their November appt.
Medicaid wants to turn off and on and never make up their minds so that I can consistently have/seek care.
Vehicles break down, money is scarce, phones are misplaced...
And my undiagnosed disorder acts up, making me much more forgetful, much more anxious.
Four days ago the courts saw fit to discriminate against me and take my children.
Five days ago I got another CPS visit for the same shit as last time...
Today, I'm barely holding myself together, barely keeping myself from sinking into the quicksand that is my Depression and PTSD...
You don't know what you've got until it's gone...
And now I fear for my own life... My kids are what brightened up my day. For as much as I complain about Junebug's loud cries, and Bug's boundless energy, I wouldn't have it any other way...
This house is too quiet..
Where are the cries, is the laughter, the thumping of my 2 year old's tiny feet across the carpet or floor, the sounds of the cabinets being open and shut.
Where is the crying because Junebug's gotten himself stuck again, the crying because he can't see mommy, the laughter when I tickle him...
This house is way too quiet,
Yesterday was so bad that I had to speak with someone from a crisis hotline...
My anxiety and depression are beginning to rule my life... My joy is no longer with me...
At least they are with family I've been told. Yeah they are, but they are not with me.
Because of the boy's absence I am beginning to see how much my depression and anxiety have truly taken over...
But I cannot find help. I've been searching for years, to no avail.
One thing after another prevents me from getting the help I seek.
My healthy families mentor has made it seem to CPS and the courts like I'm not seeking help and am so unstable I don't deserve my children.
Their Pediatricin has disreguarded every concern I've had, only to turn around and call CPS after we missed their November appt.
Medicaid wants to turn off and on and never make up their minds so that I can consistently have/seek care.
Vehicles break down, money is scarce, phones are misplaced...
And my undiagnosed disorder acts up, making me much more forgetful, much more anxious.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
August 2nd, 2016: Too many memories, too many feelings
It's August now... And with the month of August comes lost of memories. With the month of August come my birthday and Chris's Angelversary, and all the memories of him...
He'd been with me for 4 months... Four short months was all I got with him, before he was taken from me.Two short weeks of feeling constant movement before I never got to feel him again.
And then theres a suspected pregnancy, and then Bug comes along... I was so happy that I was pregnant, but terrified... His pregnancy was SO hard. SCH, partial placenta previa, pre eclampsia, and then I gave birth to a baby that never wanted to be put down and screamed non stop. I spiraled into the deepest depression of my life and barely got out of it in time...
I didn't want another kid for a long while... I didn't want another HN child. Having one is hard enough, and its even harder when that child possibly has Autism, and has a hard time gaining weight and doesn't speak at all...
And then I miraculously got pregnant again. I wasn't tracking I was barely having sex... But there he was... Junebug. I was livid. Not at him of course, but at the entire situation. I could barely manage Bug, why would I want another child, ESPECIALLY if this one was just as HN as the first... But he was mellow. I had a fairly easy pregnancy. When he was born he was calm and quiet... but now I can barely put him down too... He screams a lot, has constipation issues, more than likely has colic, but he smiles and coos. He's gaining weight steadily... But my body has failed me again because I cant breastfeed anymore. I dont make enough milk. But I CAN actually put him down, but its usually when he's sleeping.
But Junebug isn't a log, but he's not HN either... But I'm still having relationship issues. Bickering, constantly at each other's throats... He can ignore/neglect the kids and play his video games but the minute I want some time to myself because I need to calm down and recharge I'm the bad parent...
I want out. Unfortunately I cant just up and leave the kids with him... He's not cut out to be a parent. You cant parent and act like a child in the same go. His video games are an escape... And guess what? I dont get an escape. I have to be touched, spit up on, scratched, rocked on, pushed, pinched, cried and screamed at and everything else the two kids decide to throw at me.
And then on top of that No one in my family will even mention Chris. They don't care. He wasn't born alive. He didn't get to have pictures posted of him on Facebook celebrating milestones like his baby brothers... So he doesn't matter to anyone. His own father barely even mentions him.
I hate the month of August... Too many memories and too many feelings.
He'd been with me for 4 months... Four short months was all I got with him, before he was taken from me.Two short weeks of feeling constant movement before I never got to feel him again.
And then theres a suspected pregnancy, and then Bug comes along... I was so happy that I was pregnant, but terrified... His pregnancy was SO hard. SCH, partial placenta previa, pre eclampsia, and then I gave birth to a baby that never wanted to be put down and screamed non stop. I spiraled into the deepest depression of my life and barely got out of it in time...
I didn't want another kid for a long while... I didn't want another HN child. Having one is hard enough, and its even harder when that child possibly has Autism, and has a hard time gaining weight and doesn't speak at all...
And then I miraculously got pregnant again. I wasn't tracking I was barely having sex... But there he was... Junebug. I was livid. Not at him of course, but at the entire situation. I could barely manage Bug, why would I want another child, ESPECIALLY if this one was just as HN as the first... But he was mellow. I had a fairly easy pregnancy. When he was born he was calm and quiet... but now I can barely put him down too... He screams a lot, has constipation issues, more than likely has colic, but he smiles and coos. He's gaining weight steadily... But my body has failed me again because I cant breastfeed anymore. I dont make enough milk. But I CAN actually put him down, but its usually when he's sleeping.
But Junebug isn't a log, but he's not HN either... But I'm still having relationship issues. Bickering, constantly at each other's throats... He can ignore/neglect the kids and play his video games but the minute I want some time to myself because I need to calm down and recharge I'm the bad parent...
I want out. Unfortunately I cant just up and leave the kids with him... He's not cut out to be a parent. You cant parent and act like a child in the same go. His video games are an escape... And guess what? I dont get an escape. I have to be touched, spit up on, scratched, rocked on, pushed, pinched, cried and screamed at and everything else the two kids decide to throw at me.
And then on top of that No one in my family will even mention Chris. They don't care. He wasn't born alive. He didn't get to have pictures posted of him on Facebook celebrating milestones like his baby brothers... So he doesn't matter to anyone. His own father barely even mentions him.
I hate the month of August... Too many memories and too many feelings.
Monday, July 25, 2016
July 25th, 2016: Overwhelming Life
Well... I never did try to see if I could get to this from my SO's phone... :/ But that's beside the point now, as we now have a charger for the laptop, so hopefully that means i can post more frequently again.
Where to start... Junebug was born May 31 at 11:54 am. While he's not HN like Bug is he's not a Log either. His name is Galen, which means Calm, Tranquil, Healer. Hes very opinionated and a major cuddlebug like his big brother, but hes SO much easier to deal with and care for than Bug is.
I'm still having relationship issues with their father and have been thinking about/ wanting to leave (with the kids of course) for a while now... The only reason I stayed is because I promised not to find a way to leave until Junebug was 3 mos old and we went to couples counseling together. Junebug is almost 2 months now and we still haven't done any couples counseling, and I don't feel like things are really getting any better.between the two of us and my gut is telling me that the tension has a lot to do with Bug being HN.
Things with Bug are... Well, they're extremely difficult, I'm not even gonna lie or try to sugarcoat it. Thing are fuckin frustrating. He's still not talking, he's in speech therapy, his gait is off and he drives me bat shit insane with all the whining and crying. He still doesn't feed himself, I have to potty train him because hes trying to get out of his diapers now (and I feel like a failure every time I see him in one), and I have to schedule an Appt. with an Audiologist, and Developmental Pediatrician for autism diagnosis and treatment and figure out a way to get him ASL lessons so he can communicate and STOP that damnable whining.
On another note, my biological mother Tracy passed away last year in December of a heart attack... I had just went down to AZ with Bug to see her... I'm still floored... I'm honestly not sure if I've even started grieving... And then there's my birthday and Chris's Angelversary coming up in August- neither of which I'm looking forward to...
But now I have a way out of the state should I so wish. Tracy won a settlement for transvaginal mesh shortly after she died, and her husband Isaac is setting aside some money for me and the boys...
Being a mom and an adult is hard as hell...
Where to start... Junebug was born May 31 at 11:54 am. While he's not HN like Bug is he's not a Log either. His name is Galen, which means Calm, Tranquil, Healer. Hes very opinionated and a major cuddlebug like his big brother, but hes SO much easier to deal with and care for than Bug is.
I'm still having relationship issues with their father and have been thinking about/ wanting to leave (with the kids of course) for a while now... The only reason I stayed is because I promised not to find a way to leave until Junebug was 3 mos old and we went to couples counseling together. Junebug is almost 2 months now and we still haven't done any couples counseling, and I don't feel like things are really getting any better.between the two of us and my gut is telling me that the tension has a lot to do with Bug being HN.
Things with Bug are... Well, they're extremely difficult, I'm not even gonna lie or try to sugarcoat it. Thing are fuckin frustrating. He's still not talking, he's in speech therapy, his gait is off and he drives me bat shit insane with all the whining and crying. He still doesn't feed himself, I have to potty train him because hes trying to get out of his diapers now (and I feel like a failure every time I see him in one), and I have to schedule an Appt. with an Audiologist, and Developmental Pediatrician for autism diagnosis and treatment and figure out a way to get him ASL lessons so he can communicate and STOP that damnable whining.
On another note, my biological mother Tracy passed away last year in December of a heart attack... I had just went down to AZ with Bug to see her... I'm still floored... I'm honestly not sure if I've even started grieving... And then there's my birthday and Chris's Angelversary coming up in August- neither of which I'm looking forward to...
But now I have a way out of the state should I so wish. Tracy won a settlement for transvaginal mesh shortly after she died, and her husband Isaac is setting aside some money for me and the boys...
Being a mom and an adult is hard as hell...
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
March 22nd: Sorry for the hiatus
Ugh... So much has been going on in my life and I don't know where to start...
I'm having relationship issues with Bug's (Isaac) father... I'm pregnant again and due June 11th... I have some asshole making ridiculous claims to DCS and CPS for some GOD unknown reason... I'm on Zoloft and need a therapist for the first time in years. I want a job... My Biological mom passed away this December from a heart attack... Bug hasn't been growing the way the Dr. wants him to grow... He ended up being diagnosed as Failure To Thrive... My dad was recently in the hospital due to fever, unchecked type 2 diabetes, a UTI and more...
Everything has been so stressful... I had some major PPD with Bug and let housework pile up... I didn't properly care for Bug... He had a lip and tongue tie that resulted in early weaning... Matt didn't bother with any support whatsoever, preferring to sit on his ass and play video games... It took my getting pregnant, and his brother/bff Jonathan telling him off to get us to where we are now... Hes getting better, and im doing better...
the super long hiatus is because Matt's computer battery went kaput and the charger doesn't work. to add to that my old tablet broke ad my new one's charger hasn't come in yet. I'm only able to make this post because I'm borrowing my housemates computer, which isn't going to be an everyday occurrence, because he gets pissy if I ask too much.
I'm currently 27+2 with Junebug, who happens to be another boy... This pregnancy has been so different from Bug's. For one, Junebug isn't anywhere near as active as big was. Don't get me wrong, Junebug moves, but hes not constantly kicking ans squirming day in and day out like Bug was... There also, so far, hasn't been any complications. My asthma is being managed, there's no unexplained bleeding and a helluva lot less anxiety where the kid is involved. the typical aches and pains are much more pronounced though...
I think that about covers it for now... But I'm definitely going to see if i can get to this from the phone. I'd love to be able to make a post every day/every few days like I used to... Plus it was rather therapeutic.
I'm having relationship issues with Bug's (Isaac) father... I'm pregnant again and due June 11th... I have some asshole making ridiculous claims to DCS and CPS for some GOD unknown reason... I'm on Zoloft and need a therapist for the first time in years. I want a job... My Biological mom passed away this December from a heart attack... Bug hasn't been growing the way the Dr. wants him to grow... He ended up being diagnosed as Failure To Thrive... My dad was recently in the hospital due to fever, unchecked type 2 diabetes, a UTI and more...
Everything has been so stressful... I had some major PPD with Bug and let housework pile up... I didn't properly care for Bug... He had a lip and tongue tie that resulted in early weaning... Matt didn't bother with any support whatsoever, preferring to sit on his ass and play video games... It took my getting pregnant, and his brother/bff Jonathan telling him off to get us to where we are now... Hes getting better, and im doing better...
the super long hiatus is because Matt's computer battery went kaput and the charger doesn't work. to add to that my old tablet broke ad my new one's charger hasn't come in yet. I'm only able to make this post because I'm borrowing my housemates computer, which isn't going to be an everyday occurrence, because he gets pissy if I ask too much.
I'm currently 27+2 with Junebug, who happens to be another boy... This pregnancy has been so different from Bug's. For one, Junebug isn't anywhere near as active as big was. Don't get me wrong, Junebug moves, but hes not constantly kicking ans squirming day in and day out like Bug was... There also, so far, hasn't been any complications. My asthma is being managed, there's no unexplained bleeding and a helluva lot less anxiety where the kid is involved. the typical aches and pains are much more pronounced though...
I think that about covers it for now... But I'm definitely going to see if i can get to this from the phone. I'd love to be able to make a post every day/every few days like I used to... Plus it was rather therapeutic.
Friday, November 7, 2014
October 30th 2014: HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAINBOW!!!
My rainbow Isaac Kaelan Justice was born October 30th 2014 at 1:58 am weighing 6lbs and measuring 20 3/4in long. He was and is beautiful and precious... I feel so blessed that he is here and home with me and Matt...
On October 28th I went in for what I thought would be a regular appointment... I'd been feeling miserable for the entire week, and for some reason I just could not go to bed without my Christopher Bear... I just couldn't... I'd been feeling pretty shitty and the bear brought me a sense of ease...
So when I went to the doctor I had every intention of planning my induction for around the 8th if Isaac hadn't arrived by the due date, Nov. 5th.
But when Dr. Martin came in my world was turned upside down. What she said threw me for a loop, and explained why I'd been feeling so miserable.
"Well, I know that you planned to be induced later but it looks like it'll be happening sooner." I looked at her curiously and she then told me that aside from the high blood pressure they had discovered a helluvalot of protein in my urine. What's funny is the process they use is basically a spot check... Its not even a full analysis. Being term she wasn't overly concerned as she could just induce me as opposed to making me do a 24hr urine catch and things like that. She wanted to get him out as soon as possible. I at first wanted to wait until Halloween, but after realizing that she wouldn't be there on that day and me wanting her to deliver him I asked her what her version of 'as soon as possible' was. Her response was 'tomorrow'. So we discussed a time and settled on 2pm the 29th. I was excited to know that soon Isaac would be out of my body and in this world and I'd be able to meet him at last.
Oddly enough I wasn't surprised in the slightest about the preeclampsia, rather I was wondering when it would pop up. Knowing that my biological mother has hbp out the wazoo (she was/is on meds for it) I knew it was only a matter of time before it showed up... Even though I held out hope for me to not have any bp issues I wasn't disappointed. So I went home and got as ready as I could for my son...
October 29th I went in as scheduled and they got me hooked up... My first nurse was a sweetheart named Jen. Poor nurse had a rough time getting the IV in as my veins kept rolling, but she was awesome. She ended up having to have a different nurse, I think her name was/is Robin, to do it and she managed to get the IV in me. So I settled in for a semi long wait as I knew it'd be a while before it would be time to evict my tenant. XD
I had settled on using a fentanyl drip for pain maintenance, only opting for the epidural as an extreme last resort... I don't like needles and I sure as hell didn't want one near my spine... I was started on pitocin to get the contractions started... I hadn't even noticed they'd started me on it until they upped the dosage to 4 units... Sneaky devils. lol So not much really to tell except that Angie, Paul, Evan, Laura, Olivia, and Vicki were all there lending support. And of course Matt was there.
As the hours went on they continued to up my dose of pitocin and I rolled and bounced around on my exercise ball to help counteract the pain and help bring him down into my hips and whatnot. At either 8 or 10 units I began to feel like I was leaking or at least starting to leak amniotic fluid, but I wasn't. No bulging bag of water, but I was finally 5cm dilated. Dr. Martin broke my bag of waters and then the real fun began. After my water was broken the contractions doubled in strength and in intensity... They also picked up. They took forever on the fentanyl drip as I struggled to maintain a good breathing rhythm as the contractions came hard and fast... I seriously wanted to punch one nurse in the face and I struggled greatly not to yell at her to get the damn drip because of the back labor... Ahh yes... The back labor... I still had it and it hurt like a bitch... I figured there was no escaping it even though baby was supposedly in the birthing position. My pitocin drip stayed at 11 units as my contractions were getting stronger and stronger... And the fentanyl drip wasn't even touching the pain...
Finally at 9 1/2cm dilated I couldn't take it anymore... Angie had come in and suggested the epidural and I finally agreed... I needed relief if I was to push this baby out... I needed relief from the back labor... They took forever getting that too, but only because I needed to have a certain amount of fluid in me before they put it in... I just wanted the damn epidural. XD Once I'd pushed enough fluids the anesthesiologist came in to do my epidural. I have to say, as terrified as I was of the epidural, he was so calm and so sweet that it calmed my nerves. He was able to do it easily and swiftly despite my immense pain. Within minutes the epidural was in and the pain relief began... Not too much later I didn't even feel the contractions unless I was paying attention, as it completely got rid of the back labor, leaving only pressure waves coming from my uterus from the contractions themselves. It was amazing... I was able to finally relax and doze off. I didn't sleep but the dozing definitely helped things, and poor Matt finally was able to have his hand back. XD After 15 minutes the Dr. came back to check on me saying that it was perfectly normal to be able to move my feet and that I was handling the medication very well. Dr. Martin finally checked me and was surprised to find that little Isaac was already on his way out. In a total of about 10 minutes and 6 good pushes Isaac Kaelan Justice entered the world.
Covered in goo as he was he was gorgeous. He had (and still does have) a full head of black hair as he came out. He didn't cry at first but when he was placed on my belly he cracked one eye open as if to say "I'm here mommy." His mouth was wide open as if he was screaming silently but they had to hurry to get him to breathe so they whisked him away. To finally hear his cry was a big relief.
I ended up with a 1st degree tear that I watched Dr. Martin stitch up. She was awesome, letting me use a mirror to see his birth, letting me touch his head as he was crowning, and even letting me touch his placenta and umbilical cord (which feels really, really weird by the way)... As she stitched me up she was praising me for how well I had done, saying I was a natural born pusher and how she didn't know how I had managed to get to 10cm in the first place as I had to push at every other contraction.
My beautiful boy... My rainbow baby was born October 30th 2014 at 1:58 am weighing 6 pounds and 20 3/4 inches long. He was absolutely perfect.
I have to say that giving birth was a powerful experience and something I never thought I would get to do. I have no regrets and I have a beautiful rainbow baby home with me.
On October 28th I went in for what I thought would be a regular appointment... I'd been feeling miserable for the entire week, and for some reason I just could not go to bed without my Christopher Bear... I just couldn't... I'd been feeling pretty shitty and the bear brought me a sense of ease...
So when I went to the doctor I had every intention of planning my induction for around the 8th if Isaac hadn't arrived by the due date, Nov. 5th.
But when Dr. Martin came in my world was turned upside down. What she said threw me for a loop, and explained why I'd been feeling so miserable.
"Well, I know that you planned to be induced later but it looks like it'll be happening sooner." I looked at her curiously and she then told me that aside from the high blood pressure they had discovered a helluvalot of protein in my urine. What's funny is the process they use is basically a spot check... Its not even a full analysis. Being term she wasn't overly concerned as she could just induce me as opposed to making me do a 24hr urine catch and things like that. She wanted to get him out as soon as possible. I at first wanted to wait until Halloween, but after realizing that she wouldn't be there on that day and me wanting her to deliver him I asked her what her version of 'as soon as possible' was. Her response was 'tomorrow'. So we discussed a time and settled on 2pm the 29th. I was excited to know that soon Isaac would be out of my body and in this world and I'd be able to meet him at last.
Oddly enough I wasn't surprised in the slightest about the preeclampsia, rather I was wondering when it would pop up. Knowing that my biological mother has hbp out the wazoo (she was/is on meds for it) I knew it was only a matter of time before it showed up... Even though I held out hope for me to not have any bp issues I wasn't disappointed. So I went home and got as ready as I could for my son...
October 29th I went in as scheduled and they got me hooked up... My first nurse was a sweetheart named Jen. Poor nurse had a rough time getting the IV in as my veins kept rolling, but she was awesome. She ended up having to have a different nurse, I think her name was/is Robin, to do it and she managed to get the IV in me. So I settled in for a semi long wait as I knew it'd be a while before it would be time to evict my tenant. XD
I had settled on using a fentanyl drip for pain maintenance, only opting for the epidural as an extreme last resort... I don't like needles and I sure as hell didn't want one near my spine... I was started on pitocin to get the contractions started... I hadn't even noticed they'd started me on it until they upped the dosage to 4 units... Sneaky devils. lol So not much really to tell except that Angie, Paul, Evan, Laura, Olivia, and Vicki were all there lending support. And of course Matt was there.
As the hours went on they continued to up my dose of pitocin and I rolled and bounced around on my exercise ball to help counteract the pain and help bring him down into my hips and whatnot. At either 8 or 10 units I began to feel like I was leaking or at least starting to leak amniotic fluid, but I wasn't. No bulging bag of water, but I was finally 5cm dilated. Dr. Martin broke my bag of waters and then the real fun began. After my water was broken the contractions doubled in strength and in intensity... They also picked up. They took forever on the fentanyl drip as I struggled to maintain a good breathing rhythm as the contractions came hard and fast... I seriously wanted to punch one nurse in the face and I struggled greatly not to yell at her to get the damn drip because of the back labor... Ahh yes... The back labor... I still had it and it hurt like a bitch... I figured there was no escaping it even though baby was supposedly in the birthing position. My pitocin drip stayed at 11 units as my contractions were getting stronger and stronger... And the fentanyl drip wasn't even touching the pain...
Finally at 9 1/2cm dilated I couldn't take it anymore... Angie had come in and suggested the epidural and I finally agreed... I needed relief if I was to push this baby out... I needed relief from the back labor... They took forever getting that too, but only because I needed to have a certain amount of fluid in me before they put it in... I just wanted the damn epidural. XD Once I'd pushed enough fluids the anesthesiologist came in to do my epidural. I have to say, as terrified as I was of the epidural, he was so calm and so sweet that it calmed my nerves. He was able to do it easily and swiftly despite my immense pain. Within minutes the epidural was in and the pain relief began... Not too much later I didn't even feel the contractions unless I was paying attention, as it completely got rid of the back labor, leaving only pressure waves coming from my uterus from the contractions themselves. It was amazing... I was able to finally relax and doze off. I didn't sleep but the dozing definitely helped things, and poor Matt finally was able to have his hand back. XD After 15 minutes the Dr. came back to check on me saying that it was perfectly normal to be able to move my feet and that I was handling the medication very well. Dr. Martin finally checked me and was surprised to find that little Isaac was already on his way out. In a total of about 10 minutes and 6 good pushes Isaac Kaelan Justice entered the world.
Covered in goo as he was he was gorgeous. He had (and still does have) a full head of black hair as he came out. He didn't cry at first but when he was placed on my belly he cracked one eye open as if to say "I'm here mommy." His mouth was wide open as if he was screaming silently but they had to hurry to get him to breathe so they whisked him away. To finally hear his cry was a big relief.
I ended up with a 1st degree tear that I watched Dr. Martin stitch up. She was awesome, letting me use a mirror to see his birth, letting me touch his head as he was crowning, and even letting me touch his placenta and umbilical cord (which feels really, really weird by the way)... As she stitched me up she was praising me for how well I had done, saying I was a natural born pusher and how she didn't know how I had managed to get to 10cm in the first place as I had to push at every other contraction.
My beautiful boy... My rainbow baby was born October 30th 2014 at 1:58 am weighing 6 pounds and 20 3/4 inches long. He was absolutely perfect.
I have to say that giving birth was a powerful experience and something I never thought I would get to do. I have no regrets and I have a beautiful rainbow baby home with me.
Monday, October 27, 2014
October 28th, 2014: I need serenity, in a place where I can hide
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference...
I can't change the fact that 3 of my precious babies are gone... But God, just give me peace... I dont need all these roiling emotions right now as I am so close to delivering my rainbow... I'm already overwhelmed from all the back pain...
I'm already out in the open... You took my hiding spot away from me long ago... You made it clear long ago that I have things to do on this blasted planet... You gave me an amazing husband that keeps me anchored here in this world, instead of joining my babies...
I cant take all of this right now... I cant take the back pain, the swollen ankles, the barely being able to move, the insensitive comments from my mom, and the pain from losing my children, the pain from not being able to hold Chris's body and feel his warmth... To see him smile...
Why? Why me? Why so many times?
Please just let Isaac come already. I cant take anymore pain and I need him in my arms crying and breathing... I need him out so I can see him smile and walk and hear him laugh and coo... I need relief from the physical pain...
I need serenity in a place where I can hide...
I can't change the fact that 3 of my precious babies are gone... But God, just give me peace... I dont need all these roiling emotions right now as I am so close to delivering my rainbow... I'm already overwhelmed from all the back pain...
I'm already out in the open... You took my hiding spot away from me long ago... You made it clear long ago that I have things to do on this blasted planet... You gave me an amazing husband that keeps me anchored here in this world, instead of joining my babies...
I cant take all of this right now... I cant take the back pain, the swollen ankles, the barely being able to move, the insensitive comments from my mom, and the pain from losing my children, the pain from not being able to hold Chris's body and feel his warmth... To see him smile...
Why? Why me? Why so many times?
Please just let Isaac come already. I cant take anymore pain and I need him in my arms crying and breathing... I need him out so I can see him smile and walk and hear him laugh and coo... I need relief from the physical pain...
I need serenity in a place where I can hide...
Sunday, October 26, 2014
October 27th, 2014: A Year and Two months exactly and More Bullshit
Ironically I didnt even realize the date today until I just looked at the date... Chris is 14 months old today... His adjusted age is a little over 8mos old...
God I miss him so much... Lately I've been sleeping with his Molly Bear because I've been so- moody? Anyway, sleeping with his bear brings me comfort and today was a really good day until I talked to my mom... I should have known by now she's... just difficult to communicate with... And whenever I mention Chris she says the most ridiculous things...
She had me sobbing tonight... And even now as I think about it I'm starting to get really really depressed... Poor Matt... But I have an awesome future husband and I feel really blessed to have him and his support...
Conversation goes like this...
Mom: Don't be down. I know it's rough when it seems know one believes you. But I do honey.He's your first just remember he is your first. It's all new to you.
Me: He's my first full term. He's not my first.
And I'm not trying to be rude so sorry if it sounded like that
Mom: Ok please don't be snappy. I will talk to you sometime. You know what I meant. Most people try not to linger over sad situations. This is a very happy, joyous occasion. We will talk maybe talk tomorrow.
Me: I'm not trying to be snappy. And I'm not lingering.
I just dont think its fair that they are not acknowledged because they didnt come home with me.
Its like saying Aunt Carrie didnt exist and make a difference because she's gone now.
Mom: Ok good night. I very had a still birth and a miscarriage. So I feel you
Just don't think that I need to go their with you. People that didn't know you were pregnant or could see you that you were pregnant don't feel like you. Nikki had a few miscarriages before she got pregnant with mymy. As far as Aunt Carrie. How can you you compare. It's not the same. Aunt Carrie lived 97 years out of the womb produced 4 children and had 2 still births. Not the same. talk later.
Me: Fine. Ttyl
God I miss him so much... Lately I've been sleeping with his Molly Bear because I've been so- moody? Anyway, sleeping with his bear brings me comfort and today was a really good day until I talked to my mom... I should have known by now she's... just difficult to communicate with... And whenever I mention Chris she says the most ridiculous things...
She had me sobbing tonight... And even now as I think about it I'm starting to get really really depressed... Poor Matt... But I have an awesome future husband and I feel really blessed to have him and his support...
Conversation goes like this...
Mom: Don't be down. I know it's rough when it seems know one believes you. But I do honey.He's your first just remember he is your first. It's all new to you.
Me: He's my first full term. He's not my first.
And I'm not trying to be rude so sorry if it sounded like that
Mom: Ok please don't be snappy. I will talk to you sometime. You know what I meant. Most people try not to linger over sad situations. This is a very happy, joyous occasion. We will talk maybe talk tomorrow.
Me: I'm not trying to be snappy. And I'm not lingering.
I just dont think its fair that they are not acknowledged because they didnt come home with me.
Its like saying Aunt Carrie didnt exist and make a difference because she's gone now.
Mom: Ok good night. I very had a still birth and a miscarriage. So I feel you
Just don't think that I need to go their with you. People that didn't know you were pregnant or could see you that you were pregnant don't feel like you. Nikki had a few miscarriages before she got pregnant with mymy. As far as Aunt Carrie. How can you you compare. It's not the same. Aunt Carrie lived 97 years out of the womb produced 4 children and had 2 still births. Not the same. talk later.
Me: Fine. Ttyl
What the fuck? Seriously? Not the same. So Jade, Chris, and Serenity dont matter because they didnt live for 97 fucking years like my Aunt Carrie? And this is someone who claims to have had both a stillbirth and a miscarriage.
SERIOUSLY? Needless to say I went to my room sobbing... To my own mother, my babies shouldn't be mentioned because they didnt come home with me... They shouldnt be mentioned because they didnt get to have any firsts like my Aunt Carrie. I'm not allowed to talk about my children because they are dead... And my wonderful husband... He went into our room and held me while I sobbed into his shoulder... At first I couldn't even find the words to try to explain what had even happened... I just cried... And I still feel like bawling my eyes out...
I have to act like Isaac is my first child because that what people see... They cant see Jade, Chris, and Serenity, so they dont exist... And that's total bullshit...
I'm gonna go to bed before I start bawling again...
Thursday, October 23, 2014
October 23rd, 2014: Making a difference and looking toward the future
I've always been one of those people who want to make a change... To make a difference... And as I look down at my body, I realize just how far I've come...
You see, I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow... That's quite a change... Quite a difference... But I am still dealing with losses of my own... Losing two confirmed pregnancies and one suspected doesnt make things easy for me...
Looking toward the future I will always be reminded of the babies I lost... Jade... Christopher... Serenity... And in turn I will always be reminded of babies like Preston, Hunter, Connor and Benjamin... Silas, Joanna...
I wonder how many are lucky enough to have their rainbow... To have that monumental change in their life... How many can look to the future with smiles on their faces because they have a rainbow, and change, to look forward to...
Its funny how without people there would be no change... Without people there would be no life lessons learned, no little miracles called children... No one would experience things good or bad... Its people, whether you've had good experiences or bad, that make all the difference in the world...
My friend Cat wrote a blog post about survival... Oddly my life has been full of that... And unfortunately most of it hasnt been the positive type of survival... I once didnt see the point of looking toward the future, but because people were so derogatory I made up my mind to prove them wrong... Until my body started working against me...
When you meet me personally I seem... Aloof... My scarred past is easily visible and is often felt because I'm not social in the slightest... I DON'T like people... Much :D It takes a while of watching and observing before I'll interact with my surroundings, especially if those surroundings are people... Yet as I said its people that make a difference... Chris, Jade, Ben and Connor, Silas, Preston, Cat... Those beautiful souls have touched mine and made a difference. The support I get and have from Cat and so many others that are on the board that Cat and I frequent... I never in my life expected such understanding... Such love and acceptance... And from total strangers that I am now honored to call my friends and family...
Cat say's I've made a difference... Maybe I have... But the difference she and so many others have made in my life are the inspiration and driving force behind my desire to make a difference to the people who need it most. She honors her precious baby boy and spreads a bit of happiness and I want to help her.
Losing a child isnt easy... Losing more than one really fucking sucks (excuse the profanity). But those tiny people make an impact... Maybe not on everyone... But they certainly leave a mark.
You see, I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow... That's quite a change... Quite a difference... But I am still dealing with losses of my own... Losing two confirmed pregnancies and one suspected doesnt make things easy for me...
Looking toward the future I will always be reminded of the babies I lost... Jade... Christopher... Serenity... And in turn I will always be reminded of babies like Preston, Hunter, Connor and Benjamin... Silas, Joanna...
I wonder how many are lucky enough to have their rainbow... To have that monumental change in their life... How many can look to the future with smiles on their faces because they have a rainbow, and change, to look forward to...
Its funny how without people there would be no change... Without people there would be no life lessons learned, no little miracles called children... No one would experience things good or bad... Its people, whether you've had good experiences or bad, that make all the difference in the world...
My friend Cat wrote a blog post about survival... Oddly my life has been full of that... And unfortunately most of it hasnt been the positive type of survival... I once didnt see the point of looking toward the future, but because people were so derogatory I made up my mind to prove them wrong... Until my body started working against me...
When you meet me personally I seem... Aloof... My scarred past is easily visible and is often felt because I'm not social in the slightest... I DON'T like people... Much :D It takes a while of watching and observing before I'll interact with my surroundings, especially if those surroundings are people... Yet as I said its people that make a difference... Chris, Jade, Ben and Connor, Silas, Preston, Cat... Those beautiful souls have touched mine and made a difference. The support I get and have from Cat and so many others that are on the board that Cat and I frequent... I never in my life expected such understanding... Such love and acceptance... And from total strangers that I am now honored to call my friends and family...
Cat say's I've made a difference... Maybe I have... But the difference she and so many others have made in my life are the inspiration and driving force behind my desire to make a difference to the people who need it most. She honors her precious baby boy and spreads a bit of happiness and I want to help her.
Losing a child isnt easy... Losing more than one really fucking sucks (excuse the profanity). But those tiny people make an impact... Maybe not on everyone... But they certainly leave a mark.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
September 28th, 2014: Music and facing the truth
Music is the talk of the soul... Or something like that... Music seems to be able to get things that you cant say out into the open... It can make you remember or help you forget... It can soothe or anger...
Lately I find that certain songs now make me face the truth... Just like a certain blog I read from time to time... One of my dear friends made this blog to share her son Preston, who she lost when he was 16 weeks old... He was a beautiful baby, full of smiles...
But I find that her blog has the nasty habit of making me face the truth when I read it sometimes... She never writes anything that's depressing, but her blog is good at that ya know? And I'm not mad that she has that ability at all, in fact I'm glad she's able to make me face the facts sometimes... Because if I didnt I'd forget... And I dont believe that there is such thing as a memory that's ok to forget... I dont want to forget Preston... I dont want to forget Jade, Chris and Serenity... I dont want to forget Benjamin and Connor. I dont wanna forget Vida, Jaylynn, Joanna, Ellie Sawyer, Silas and the countless others that have touched my life.
But just like with music that brings with it the ups and downs that you hold within your heart, I think it's a good thing not to dwell... The children live within our hearts and in a roundabout way keep us strong for those determined enough to ride the waves in the ocean of grief that we all experience when we lose a child... To come out on top is what they want, and so we struggle...
But every once and a while we have to face the truth. I'm glad that Cat's blog does that for me.
Lately I find that certain songs now make me face the truth... Just like a certain blog I read from time to time... One of my dear friends made this blog to share her son Preston, who she lost when he was 16 weeks old... He was a beautiful baby, full of smiles...
But I find that her blog has the nasty habit of making me face the truth when I read it sometimes... She never writes anything that's depressing, but her blog is good at that ya know? And I'm not mad that she has that ability at all, in fact I'm glad she's able to make me face the facts sometimes... Because if I didnt I'd forget... And I dont believe that there is such thing as a memory that's ok to forget... I dont want to forget Preston... I dont want to forget Jade, Chris and Serenity... I dont want to forget Benjamin and Connor. I dont wanna forget Vida, Jaylynn, Joanna, Ellie Sawyer, Silas and the countless others that have touched my life.
But just like with music that brings with it the ups and downs that you hold within your heart, I think it's a good thing not to dwell... The children live within our hearts and in a roundabout way keep us strong for those determined enough to ride the waves in the ocean of grief that we all experience when we lose a child... To come out on top is what they want, and so we struggle...
But every once and a while we have to face the truth. I'm glad that Cat's blog does that for me.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Sept. 3rd, 2014: Thoughts
So many thoughts going through my head... My bracelets, the PAIL quilt, the tree...
Isaac and Chris and Jade and Beanie...
What would things be like now? If Jade and Chris had stayed? I wonder about closure, and milestones... Why was nothing done to help me and Chris? Why, even after they new that I was having contractions, did they do nothing...
It's been a year now, and I still sometimes go to a dark place...
And FOR GODS SAKES WHY WONT ANYONE MENTION THEM?! See that's what gets me the most... We're not allowed to speak of our kids because they're dead... We're not allowed to show pictures because they dont look like babies... Because they have no fat on their bodies or they've retained water or they've got some other thing goin on... Its only ok to show babies that have fat on their bodies...
News flash: YOU LOOKED LIKE THAT TOO WHEN YOU WERE IN THE WOMB!
My family never speaks of Jade and Chris... I dont even feel comfortable speaking to my mom in depth about them... She denied they ever existed... And then when my sister spilled the beans a=she wants to act like nothing ever happened... She doesnt want to talk about them... No one mentions them... The only people I can really talk to that arent on BBC are Matt (Chris, Beanie and Isaac's dad) and his stepmom Angie.
Then theres fatal diagnoses that get under my skin.
And then there's the fact that being pregnant with Isaac makes me think so much of Chris... Is this what Chris would have done if he stayed put? What would he be like now? His due date was the day I conceived Isaac, Valentine's Day of this year... Its also me and Matt's anniversary... We've been together a year and so much has happened... But he is the only person to stand by my side through it all...
Not once did he say to take Chris's pic down... I remember one time I was pissed at him and was gonna move into the other room and he said no, and to put Chris's picture back where it belonged... Even though he's told me he's a little weirded out by the picture... I dont blame him though... I think had I not lost Chris and someone showed me a picture of their angel and it looked like Chris does, I'd be a little weirded out too.
Matt never tells me not to talk about Chris, or to 'get over it' and all the other stuff that people can say. He just hugs me and does some random stupid shit to make me laugh again and then tells me that its gonna be ok.
What I dont understand is why people seem to think that losing a child is- you know I dont even know the word for it. They downplay it like it's not big... Would you want us to downplay the death of a loved on who's been here years, or downplay the death of a beloved pet? I'm pretty sure you'd get pissed so why do it to us? Why downplay our child/children's death(s) like its nothing when it destroys our world just like losing that beloved pet would crash yours. Yeah, you learn to move on, and so do we, but you dont find us saying half the random bullshit that I hear others have said.
*sigh* Idk...
Isaac and Chris and Jade and Beanie...
What would things be like now? If Jade and Chris had stayed? I wonder about closure, and milestones... Why was nothing done to help me and Chris? Why, even after they new that I was having contractions, did they do nothing...
It's been a year now, and I still sometimes go to a dark place...
And FOR GODS SAKES WHY WONT ANYONE MENTION THEM?! See that's what gets me the most... We're not allowed to speak of our kids because they're dead... We're not allowed to show pictures because they dont look like babies... Because they have no fat on their bodies or they've retained water or they've got some other thing goin on... Its only ok to show babies that have fat on their bodies...
News flash: YOU LOOKED LIKE THAT TOO WHEN YOU WERE IN THE WOMB!
My family never speaks of Jade and Chris... I dont even feel comfortable speaking to my mom in depth about them... She denied they ever existed... And then when my sister spilled the beans a=she wants to act like nothing ever happened... She doesnt want to talk about them... No one mentions them... The only people I can really talk to that arent on BBC are Matt (Chris, Beanie and Isaac's dad) and his stepmom Angie.
Then theres fatal diagnoses that get under my skin.
And then there's the fact that being pregnant with Isaac makes me think so much of Chris... Is this what Chris would have done if he stayed put? What would he be like now? His due date was the day I conceived Isaac, Valentine's Day of this year... Its also me and Matt's anniversary... We've been together a year and so much has happened... But he is the only person to stand by my side through it all...
Not once did he say to take Chris's pic down... I remember one time I was pissed at him and was gonna move into the other room and he said no, and to put Chris's picture back where it belonged... Even though he's told me he's a little weirded out by the picture... I dont blame him though... I think had I not lost Chris and someone showed me a picture of their angel and it looked like Chris does, I'd be a little weirded out too.
Matt never tells me not to talk about Chris, or to 'get over it' and all the other stuff that people can say. He just hugs me and does some random stupid shit to make me laugh again and then tells me that its gonna be ok.
What I dont understand is why people seem to think that losing a child is- you know I dont even know the word for it. They downplay it like it's not big... Would you want us to downplay the death of a loved on who's been here years, or downplay the death of a beloved pet? I'm pretty sure you'd get pissed so why do it to us? Why downplay our child/children's death(s) like its nothing when it destroys our world just like losing that beloved pet would crash yours. Yeah, you learn to move on, and so do we, but you dont find us saying half the random bullshit that I hear others have said.
*sigh* Idk...
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
A year ago today... My full story
A year ago today my tiny perfect son Christopher Lee Justice was born. I had him in my bathroom at 1:10 am. He was 6in long and weighed 1.6oz.
A year ago today I was pregnant... Just like I am now, but the outcome was that instead of a take home baby, I got an angel instead...
I woke up to random spotting on my birthday last year... I'd discovered June of 2013 that I was pregnant and spent months getting the run around on getting pregnancy medicaid... I didnt find out until two weeks before all this went down that my medicaid never got turned off like I thought it did...
I got an OB consulation thingy set up for this day last year... I was blissful.. Feeling guilty at being 'ok' that Jade didnt make it I resolved to give this baby enough love for him and his big brother... But on my birthday everything changed.
I found myself in the er, worried that I was losing him... Matt (my SO) was exhausted from work the previous night... and I got checked by the people at Wishard... They said everything looked fine, and I remember them asking if I'd heard the heartbeat yet... I said no and they went and got a doppler... I heard my son's heartbeat at 167 bpm... So strong and so fast... I remember them giving me a pelvic exam and asking when my LMP was and being shocked when I told them it was May 7th... They kept acting like it was weird and whenever I'd ask why they were so surprised they never answered... I still remember the smile Matt had when he heard Chris's heartbeat... I'll never forget that look... The love and happiness in his eyes...
I would continue to spot on and off until the 26th, when I'd lose my mucus plug... I was at my housemate's mom's house for a pathfinder game and when I went to pee I noticed it... Again we went to the hospital, only to be told everything was fine. By that time my back was killing me... I never once realized that the 'growing pains' that I was having were in fact contractions... I'd been having them for two weeks now... They again seemed so surprised that my LMP was May 7th, and now I was beginning to get worried and frustrated... I knew the end was near but I was denid a cerclage, being told I didnt fit the guidelines... That you're not allowed a cerclage when you're having contractions... And yet they did nothing to stop them... They kept repeating that there was nothing they could do...
They sent me home and at around 9:30-9:45 my water broke... Luckily I was wearing a pad but I thought I'd peed myself. My back pain had reached an all time high so I took a shower with my SO and took a muscle relaxer and went to bed as he went to work...
I woke up to pee at around 1am and went to pee... I thought I had to suddenly poop so I pushed... And Chris's tiny feet and part of his cord popped out... I was in shock... I couldnt believe it was happening again... But gravity was working against me and he kept coming... All I could do was hold his tiny body as it slipped out of mine and make sure it didnt fall in the toilet... My son was born at 1:10 without ever taking a breath... I was definitely in shock... I asked Jake (a former housemate) to grab Matt's old phone and I called 911 saying I'd just miscarried... But Jake had no idea I was even pregnant...
They got here fairly quick. When they saw me holding Chris's tiny body the first words out of the first guy that entered was "I'm so sorry". As they were wheeling me out the door I told Jake to call Matt... I'd given him my phone that night... Jake told him to meet me at wishard and when he handed me the phone Matt's first sentence was "Did you miscarry?" I said yes and he said he was on his way.
He met us there and when he walked in there were tears in his eyes and a sadness I never want to see again on his face... He cried the tears that wouldnt come for me just yet... The people there kept asking if I was ok and I kept saying I'm in shock right now, the tears will come later... Mat tried to hold it together but he he was having trouble... The staff were nice and treated my child like a child... I was allowed to keep him with me. I hadnt delivered the placenta and they said it was best not to go home until I did...
I didnt want surgery so I opted for meds to help... But they didnt work... I spent 12 hrs trying to deliver Chris's placenta and had passed some really large clots... I ended up needing an emergency D&C to remove the placenta... I nearly needed a blood trasfusion and they filled me with three litres of fluid before they operated. When they said they had to do one I was soo afraid of being put to sleep... All I remember is thinking what would happen to Matt... I begged god not to let me fall asleep... Because of I did I knew I wouldnt wake up... And I couldnt do that to Matt...
I begged them not to put me to sleep, and thonkfully they listened... They gave me some sort of med that they put into my spine... I wouldnt feel any pain but I'd feel pressure...
I remember they strapped me down for some reason... Hot from the morphine and itchy form the med they shot into my spine I started to dose... And each time I started slipping something started to itch really badly and I'd be jolted back into wakefullness...
The operation was quick and successful... And I'd made it through to come ack to my tiny child and the man that will one day be my husband... I was inobservation for an hour and kept overnight, and discharged the 28th of last year...
Since then the road had been long and hard... I was numb for a long long time... But Matt has been my rock, my constant support when everything fell to shreds around me... Even though I wanted him tested they dipped him in that formeldahyde solution thingy too quickly...
I'll never truely know whether he was a trisomy baby or if he was just a normal baby with an isolated instance of a single umbilical artery... I'll never truely know if it was that or if it was solely my body's immune system destroying his lifeline...
But even though each and every day I miss him terribly, and ache for something his weight to hold once more, I'm grateful to have had the little bit of time that I did have...
Sunday, August 17, 2014
August 18, 2014: Honoring Angels and the Angel Wishing Tree
So on BabyCenter I created a thread... And in it I offered to make bracelets to honor lost babies...
You see, I'd been tormented by the fact I didn't know what to do to give back to the awesome people that had helped me cope with the loss of Christopher...
A dear friend of mine that I met on BBC (Babycenter) who wishes to remain anonymous has this amazing tree. She had started it as a wishing tree for her living daughter and then decided to include all of us moms (and possibly dads too) of angel babies...
She got a whole bunch of different color ribbons and made little leaf-like papers and wrote our babies names/nicknames on them and hung them on the tree... That selfless act not only floored me but made me wish ever so much harder for a way to repay her kindness...
I get to see all three of my babies in one spot here on earth... I may never get to hold them but to finally see them down here with me is the best feeling that only one who has gone through it will understand...
And so I thought and thought... Meanwhile a quilt was being made, a thread was made for dates that were significant to us, and then there's a thread to show off our photos or just tell our stories...
And finally, it was my turn... I crochet and one day I had the urge to look up how to make angel wings... And the rest fell into place.
I wasn't sure how much of a hit it would be, but it is definitely a hit, and I'm so honored and happy to finally be doing something to the many awesome people that helped me through my loss. I can never say the right words to say how much they and their angels have touched my life, but I'm hoping my bracelets will get it across.
You see, I'd been tormented by the fact I didn't know what to do to give back to the awesome people that had helped me cope with the loss of Christopher...
A dear friend of mine that I met on BBC (Babycenter) who wishes to remain anonymous has this amazing tree. She had started it as a wishing tree for her living daughter and then decided to include all of us moms (and possibly dads too) of angel babies...
She got a whole bunch of different color ribbons and made little leaf-like papers and wrote our babies names/nicknames on them and hung them on the tree... That selfless act not only floored me but made me wish ever so much harder for a way to repay her kindness...
I get to see all three of my babies in one spot here on earth... I may never get to hold them but to finally see them down here with me is the best feeling that only one who has gone through it will understand...
And so I thought and thought... Meanwhile a quilt was being made, a thread was made for dates that were significant to us, and then there's a thread to show off our photos or just tell our stories...
And finally, it was my turn... I crochet and one day I had the urge to look up how to make angel wings... And the rest fell into place.
I wasn't sure how much of a hit it would be, but it is definitely a hit, and I'm so honored and happy to finally be doing something to the many awesome people that helped me through my loss. I can never say the right words to say how much they and their angels have touched my life, but I'm hoping my bracelets will get it across.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
July 15th, 2014: Mystery Diagnosis and My Own Realizations
Recently I've been watching Mystery Diagnosis. It's an old show that used to air on Discovery Health before Oprah bought it and turned it to OWN (The Oprah Winfry Network). WHY she couldnt make her own damn channel with all that money I'll never understand (but thats a different tangent, and it has nothing to do with the topic of my blog so I'm leaving it be :P).
Mystery Diagnosis is about rare medical diseases that next to no one knows about. There are all sorts of rare diseases, like PNH (Paroxymal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria) which is potentially deadly if left untreated, PANDAS, which is an autoimmune disorder where the body's strep antibodies mistake your own neurons for the strep bacteria (you start to display tourettes and OCD behaviors), Maple Syrup Urine Disease where you body is unable to process two different amino acids and your urine smells like maple syrup. Ingesting those amino acids can be lethal. There are so, so many more and you can check them out on youtube.
There was one episode I watched on youtube. The video was called the boy who only hopped, where it showed his mystery diagnosis (PANDAS) and the diagnosis of a woman who had Autoimmune Progesterone Dermatitis... Which now leads me to the name of my post.
Thanks to an app called Fertility Friend I started tracking my cycles more in depth, and came to realize there is a pattern to my flare ups... My flare ups happen around the second half of my monthly cycles, which is when progesterone production spikes because you ovulate...
The flare ups are recreatable by exposing your body to the hormone, by intramuscular progesterone or a patch (which is what was used to solidify the lady's mystery diagnosis).
13 weeks gestation is when your baby's placenta is fully operational, and when your body starts producing progesterone rather than hcg. I started getting the progesterone shots at 13 weeks, and noticed that my eczema would flare horribly every time I got a new shot... Then I watched the PANDAS mystery diagnosis and it clicked... Because of the Fertility Friend app, I was made aware of the cycle in my flare ups... And then, it made me remember Chris... From 14w to when I lost him at 16w I had horrible eczema and had constant contractions that I was told was growing pains...
And now... My body had killed my son... My immune system killed my tiny child... A child that depended on me to keep him alive and safe... A child I felt I was ready to raise and to keep...It explained how I was able to get pregnant by taking Benadryl, both with Chris and with Isaac... Benadryl is an antihistamine, and represses your immune system... Reduces inflammation... I didnt have any Benadryl when I was pregnant with Chris... But I keep a constant supply now...
I'm at a loss for words really... My body, without medical help, will kill every child I conceive...
Mystery Diagnosis is about rare medical diseases that next to no one knows about. There are all sorts of rare diseases, like PNH (Paroxymal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria) which is potentially deadly if left untreated, PANDAS, which is an autoimmune disorder where the body's strep antibodies mistake your own neurons for the strep bacteria (you start to display tourettes and OCD behaviors), Maple Syrup Urine Disease where you body is unable to process two different amino acids and your urine smells like maple syrup. Ingesting those amino acids can be lethal. There are so, so many more and you can check them out on youtube.
There was one episode I watched on youtube. The video was called the boy who only hopped, where it showed his mystery diagnosis (PANDAS) and the diagnosis of a woman who had Autoimmune Progesterone Dermatitis... Which now leads me to the name of my post.
Thanks to an app called Fertility Friend I started tracking my cycles more in depth, and came to realize there is a pattern to my flare ups... My flare ups happen around the second half of my monthly cycles, which is when progesterone production spikes because you ovulate...
The flare ups are recreatable by exposing your body to the hormone, by intramuscular progesterone or a patch (which is what was used to solidify the lady's mystery diagnosis).
13 weeks gestation is when your baby's placenta is fully operational, and when your body starts producing progesterone rather than hcg. I started getting the progesterone shots at 13 weeks, and noticed that my eczema would flare horribly every time I got a new shot... Then I watched the PANDAS mystery diagnosis and it clicked... Because of the Fertility Friend app, I was made aware of the cycle in my flare ups... And then, it made me remember Chris... From 14w to when I lost him at 16w I had horrible eczema and had constant contractions that I was told was growing pains...
And now... My body had killed my son... My immune system killed my tiny child... A child that depended on me to keep him alive and safe... A child I felt I was ready to raise and to keep...It explained how I was able to get pregnant by taking Benadryl, both with Chris and with Isaac... Benadryl is an antihistamine, and represses your immune system... Reduces inflammation... I didnt have any Benadryl when I was pregnant with Chris... But I keep a constant supply now...
I'm at a loss for words really... My body, without medical help, will kill every child I conceive...
July 29th, 2014: Trying not to think about it... And failing miserably
So I ended up listening to an Eminem mix on YouTube... And one of the songs is "When I'm Gone". Once again I found myself in tears...
I've been trying not to think about my birthday. I've been trying not to think about the son I lost just last year... Trying not to think about the gaping hole that he left. Trying not to think of wanting to hold him or how if he was here he'd be almost a year...
But I'm failing miserably... My birthday... A time where I'm supposed to be happy and enjoying being pregnant with my son Isaac... But there's only trepidation as I inch ever so slowly toward that date... You see, my birthday is the first and only time I got to hear his heartbeat... And six days later I caught him as he came out of me when I went to go pee that morning...
The pain is still fresh. It still hurts like hell... I didn't get to see him smile, or hold him and tell him I love him. He never got to truly hear my voice like Isaac does, or feel my hand on his home like Isaac... He didn't get to take a breath on his birthday... His tiny little heart had stopped beating when my water broke, or he suffocated when the his umbilical cord hit air... I never saw his little chest move, never felt any of his little muscles move...
It's almost been a year... Last year, I was pregnant on my birthday, and happy... This year, I'll be pregnant on my birthday... But this time... I don't really know what to feel.
I've been trying not to think about my birthday. I've been trying not to think about the son I lost just last year... Trying not to think about the gaping hole that he left. Trying not to think of wanting to hold him or how if he was here he'd be almost a year...
But I'm failing miserably... My birthday... A time where I'm supposed to be happy and enjoying being pregnant with my son Isaac... But there's only trepidation as I inch ever so slowly toward that date... You see, my birthday is the first and only time I got to hear his heartbeat... And six days later I caught him as he came out of me when I went to go pee that morning...
The pain is still fresh. It still hurts like hell... I didn't get to see him smile, or hold him and tell him I love him. He never got to truly hear my voice like Isaac does, or feel my hand on his home like Isaac... He didn't get to take a breath on his birthday... His tiny little heart had stopped beating when my water broke, or he suffocated when the his umbilical cord hit air... I never saw his little chest move, never felt any of his little muscles move...
It's almost been a year... Last year, I was pregnant on my birthday, and happy... This year, I'll be pregnant on my birthday... But this time... I don't really know what to feel.
Monday, June 23, 2014
June 23rd, 2014 An angel's birthday, Christopher, and Isaac
First I want to give a shout out to a little angel born this day... I shall not name him, as I do not have permission, but he and his mother, whom I shall simply refer to as A, have touched my lives in more ways than one...
My heart goes out to you A on your son's birthday. I wish you nothing but the best. I pray your day is filled with nothing but happiness and that your little boy can spend the day with you... Know that he is always in your heart and soul, and always wants you to hold your head high and smile.
Missing Christopher... My secondborn son... It hurts... I ended up sleeping with his bunny that I got at Wishard Hospital when I brought his tiny, still body to the hospital with me...
My son is with me, I can feel him... And I am blessed to be able to see him and Jade with my own eye from time to time... No, I did not misspell the word... I have long been told I have the 'gift'... What is the 'gift' you ask? The gift of sight... Being Psychic... We all have it... Some are told that having the 'gift' is 'of the devil', Some grow out of it, as one would do their clothes. Some block it out completely, some are raised knowing that their gift is meant to be used, and they train to use it to their advantage, and to the advantage of others. And then there are yet more who, have it but do not know how to train in that aspect, knowing that to speak about it means to be locked in an institution.
I am one such 'child'. I've had the gift, and retained my childish love and wonder of life and the world. I've never been trained to use it, and to speak up and try to find a person to teach me in such a dangerous world, would land me in immense trouble... And so I do nothing... But I relish in being blessed enough to see my angels, and to be able to 'see' and sense the other angels, like A's little boy.
Today I woke after seeing my adopted family, some of whom I havent seen in years... It was nice, but also awkward... You see, I havent forgotten the slight my adopted mother did to me and Matt... When I lost Chris, I told her a few days later. When I was called by the Dr. that had attended me, he told me that Chris had a two vessel cord, when he should have had one with three vessels... I googled it and learned that it was called SUA, or Single Umbilical Artery, and that it was most often associated with a trisomy, which is when you have three copies of a gene.
Fortunately for Chris, he didnt have any congenital defects... He was perfectly formed. I'll never know his genetics, as the Dr. didnt get to him in time to get a sample of the placenta for testing.
Being pregnant with my rainbow, and being around them, makes me awkward because my adopted mom said I'd made Chris up to keep Matt with me... The same thing she said about Jade and Joe... I do not have that kind of conniving ability... And it doesnt make sense either... How would losing a kid make the guy want to stay? If anything that means he no longer has an obligation to me... And saying you're pregnant isnt going to keep a person with you anyway. Lots of guys have walked out on women when they've announced that they're pregnant...
But now I'm expected to act like everything's ok when it's not. I'm expected to let her throw me a baby shower, and let her buy things for Isaac, and let her hold him, and play nice. I dont blame Matt for not wanting anything to do with her, but what happens when Isaac is born and he's old enough to comprehend what we do? What then when he sees Matt is still holding his grudge for what she did to Chris? I dont want him to grow up in the very thing I despise...
And yet... What can I really do, when I feel he is justified and would love nothing more than to tell Celia to fuck off.
My heart goes out to you A on your son's birthday. I wish you nothing but the best. I pray your day is filled with nothing but happiness and that your little boy can spend the day with you... Know that he is always in your heart and soul, and always wants you to hold your head high and smile.
Missing Christopher... My secondborn son... It hurts... I ended up sleeping with his bunny that I got at Wishard Hospital when I brought his tiny, still body to the hospital with me...
My son is with me, I can feel him... And I am blessed to be able to see him and Jade with my own eye from time to time... No, I did not misspell the word... I have long been told I have the 'gift'... What is the 'gift' you ask? The gift of sight... Being Psychic... We all have it... Some are told that having the 'gift' is 'of the devil', Some grow out of it, as one would do their clothes. Some block it out completely, some are raised knowing that their gift is meant to be used, and they train to use it to their advantage, and to the advantage of others. And then there are yet more who, have it but do not know how to train in that aspect, knowing that to speak about it means to be locked in an institution.
I am one such 'child'. I've had the gift, and retained my childish love and wonder of life and the world. I've never been trained to use it, and to speak up and try to find a person to teach me in such a dangerous world, would land me in immense trouble... And so I do nothing... But I relish in being blessed enough to see my angels, and to be able to 'see' and sense the other angels, like A's little boy.
Today I woke after seeing my adopted family, some of whom I havent seen in years... It was nice, but also awkward... You see, I havent forgotten the slight my adopted mother did to me and Matt... When I lost Chris, I told her a few days later. When I was called by the Dr. that had attended me, he told me that Chris had a two vessel cord, when he should have had one with three vessels... I googled it and learned that it was called SUA, or Single Umbilical Artery, and that it was most often associated with a trisomy, which is when you have three copies of a gene.
Fortunately for Chris, he didnt have any congenital defects... He was perfectly formed. I'll never know his genetics, as the Dr. didnt get to him in time to get a sample of the placenta for testing.
Being pregnant with my rainbow, and being around them, makes me awkward because my adopted mom said I'd made Chris up to keep Matt with me... The same thing she said about Jade and Joe... I do not have that kind of conniving ability... And it doesnt make sense either... How would losing a kid make the guy want to stay? If anything that means he no longer has an obligation to me... And saying you're pregnant isnt going to keep a person with you anyway. Lots of guys have walked out on women when they've announced that they're pregnant...
But now I'm expected to act like everything's ok when it's not. I'm expected to let her throw me a baby shower, and let her buy things for Isaac, and let her hold him, and play nice. I dont blame Matt for not wanting anything to do with her, but what happens when Isaac is born and he's old enough to comprehend what we do? What then when he sees Matt is still holding his grudge for what she did to Chris? I dont want him to grow up in the very thing I despise...
And yet... What can I really do, when I feel he is justified and would love nothing more than to tell Celia to fuck off.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
June 21st, 2014: Two months until my birthday... And until I'm 29+1
Two months until my birthday... Two months until I'm 29 weeks and 1 day pregnant with my rainbow Isaac...
As I think about this I realize it's going to be awkward as all hell... I'll have to deal with three things... One, attention because it's my birthday, and that's iffy since I live on my own; Even more attention because I'm pregnant again with my third child, yet another boy... ; And then there's the matter of his big brother Christopher...
On my birthday I began spotting when I was pregnant with my son's big brother Christopher... That day I heard Chris's heartbeat... The most wonderful sound I'd ever heard...
And as you all know Chris has gone on to earn his wings...
So many emotions... It will be expected for me to act all giddy and happy that its not only my birthday, but that I'm pregnant with my son Isaac... But how can I just act like nothing ever happened... Too many people will have expected me to have 'gotten over it' which is the biggest bullshit you can say to someone who has lost a child...
I cant just 'get over it'. To do so would be to deny my own son... To deny BOTH of my children...
Two months until the memory of the beginning of the countdown... And in six days it will two months until a year has passed...
As I think about this I realize it's going to be awkward as all hell... I'll have to deal with three things... One, attention because it's my birthday, and that's iffy since I live on my own; Even more attention because I'm pregnant again with my third child, yet another boy... ; And then there's the matter of his big brother Christopher...
On my birthday I began spotting when I was pregnant with my son's big brother Christopher... That day I heard Chris's heartbeat... The most wonderful sound I'd ever heard...
And as you all know Chris has gone on to earn his wings...
So many emotions... It will be expected for me to act all giddy and happy that its not only my birthday, but that I'm pregnant with my son Isaac... But how can I just act like nothing ever happened... Too many people will have expected me to have 'gotten over it' which is the biggest bullshit you can say to someone who has lost a child...
I cant just 'get over it'. To do so would be to deny my own son... To deny BOTH of my children...
Two months until the memory of the beginning of the countdown... And in six days it will two months until a year has passed...
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