Today I had another miscarriage dream...
I was with Matt and it of course was long and drawn out... And normal for most of the dream... I've apparently been playing way too much Kingdom Hearts 2 because The dream's set up was way to much like that... The only thing it didn't have was a gummy ship and the gummy routes...
We went places and did things and I was pregnant... Not too pregnant, but I was pregnant...
It wasn't until the end of the dream that it got bad... You see... I had a miscarriage... Not once but twice... But the second time floored me like never before... And it's this loss, the loss of my son Christopher, that makes this pregnancy with my rainbow even more filled with anxiety and worry, and of course, fear.
Chris was the one that I was excited to have... Excited to raise... And then... He died. My body failed him and his tiny little body was no more...
But's that's a story I'll get to later.
Matt and I had stopped at a place. I wasnt sure if this was our place, or just a stop along the way to wherever we were going... But it was a stop nonetheless. I had to use the bathroom... So I went in to go pee and there was blood... I looked down and remembered I'd had a D&C... That I had failed my child yet again... And I woke up...
Such a simple dream... That can spark such terror into those who know my pain... Just the simple sight of blood... Can make you bolt... Can fill you with such dread and terror that you want to scream or go flying to your partner or the nearest trusted friend, curl up into a ball and just cry... Cry until you cant anymore, and then disappear... For if you disappear you can no longer feel the pain... You can no longer feel the fear and despair that grips you so tightly...
Such a simple dream... Turns out my biggest fear... Is fear itself... And also the fear of failing at something my body is supposed to be made to do...
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