I pregnant... I've had so many scares and worries during this pregnancy that I'm surprised I haven't lost my mind... But I was close... Oh so close...
You see, Before Bean, there was Chris... And my body failed him... And now I know why...
I have eczema... And it flares when my body produces progesterone... Too much inflammation and immune response is enough to tax a 16w baby growing within the womb... Without progesterone, there's no pregnancy... Without progesterone, your baby can't survive...
And so Chris never got to breathe his first breathe... I never got to change his diapers... Never got to see his first smile... But he gave me the answers I sought.
And now Bean is here... When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified... It wasn't the first trimester I was worried about, it was the second... The second trimester is when I lost my son Christopher... When I spoke to my Dr. about my fear and told her of how I lost Chris, I got a bit of insight I didn't expect... 'It doesn't sound like it happened because of an incompetent cervix. Its sounds more like preterm labor.'
Looking back now... She's absolutely right... And what's worse, I'll always have to have the progesterone shots if I want my children to make it... My body destroys the very hormone my child needs to be able to grow enough to make it on the outside world...
Progesterone shots... A literal pain in the ass... A shot of thick liquid that can burn like hell once it's all in... My child's lifeline to viability... So many emotions... Relief, guilt, pride in modern medicine, more guilt... The weekly hassle of going to the Doc for a life sustaining shot for my child... The hell we go through to fulfill a dream... It's worth it of course, but I'm just stunned...
I'm actually gonna be able to take this baby home this time...
'It sounds more like preterm labor.' She's so right... Every time it gets close to time for a new shot I feel the cramps... The contractions... Just like the ones I had with Chris for two full weeks before I gave birth to his tiny body... It scares me because what if I didn't have these doctors? My son would be just like his brother... A simple shot is all that's keeping him alive... A simple shot is the only thing keeping my body from failing yet another child...
So today, most of my worries have been relieved... I had another cervix scan... My child is a boy, my Subchorionic Bleed is completely resolved and my Partial Placenta Previa is also completely resolved... My only worry now, is keeping my cervix longer than 2.5 in... And I'm in the danger zone. At a length of 3 in, we're in danger... The few days of random contractions I had seemed to have done their damage... I went from nearly 5 in. to 3 in. in two short weeks... And yet, I no longer worry... The anxiety is completely lifted... For the first time since this pregnancy started I'm starting to feel hope... I'm starting to feel like it's ok to be happy and hopeful... I'm starting to feel that I'll actually be able, finally, to raise a child like I had dreamed of doing for so long...
I have yet another son... And that's ok... I wouldn't have the slightest idea of how to raise a girl... I'm too much of a tomboy. ^_^
Relief... I'm floating. I'm not sure if I'm actually excited yet... But I'm certainly happy.
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