May 25th, 2014: I'm almost 17 weeks pregnant... And I'm still nervous as hell.

Why is it I'm almost 17w preggo and I'm still nervous as hell... Since the one solid thump Bean gave me on the 21st, I've felt no more movement... Not like that anyway... I barely feel Bean move at all... And while it's normal, I'm still nervous...

I felt Chris moving all the time at around 14 or 15w. I know I don't feel Bean because I'm much heavier this time... I was around 136 when Chris passed, and I was 144 at my first weigh in at the OB's office. But knowing why doenst make me feel any less uneasy...

But shouldn't I feel happy? I mean, I'm almost 17w. My Bean is still inside of me... But I'm not so much happy as I am nervous. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad Bean is still in there, but I kinda feel bad because i lost Chris at 16w... Chris shoulda made it here... But at the same time, if he had, I wouldn't be pregnant with my Rainbow... Yet another double edged sword ya know?

I'm finding that while I cant yet type Chris's last days with me and Matt, I can do this... I can type what I'm feeling and thinking about all of this...

I constantly worry... And while I think I'm starting to be less anxious about not getting past 16w, I'm still anxious... Because I know I'll never be out of the woods... SIDS and numerous other things could take my baby at any time... I'll never be blissfully unaware again... That was taken when Chris died... Its both a blessing and a curse...

I'm almost 17w... But I'll never be out of the woods... This is one challenge I'm NOT fond of... But at the same time, if I can do this, I'll prove to the world, and to myself that nothing will hold me back from my dreams...

But a kid? A tiny needy greedy person? Something foreign that I bear? Can I really do it... Was I being irresponsible by having one so soon? I mean, Matt and I are barely stable... Neither of us have a college education... He's old fashioned enough to not mind that I dont have a job, and all I bring in is food stamps...

And yet... I want to raise this kid more than ever... I want to raise this tiny life that grows within my womb, something that I helped create and nurture... I want to see and experience all the things I as never able to with Chris or Jade. The smiles, the tantrums, the hugs, the tears... Everything...

I'm almost 17w... And everything is starting to sink in...

Boy I'm in trouble. :D