My rainbow Isaac Kaelan Justice was born October 30th 2014 at 1:58 am weighing 6lbs and measuring 20 3/4in long. He was and is beautiful and precious... I feel so blessed that he is here and home with me and Matt...
On October 28th I went in for what I thought would be a regular appointment... I'd been feeling miserable for the entire week, and for some reason I just could not go to bed without my Christopher Bear... I just couldn't... I'd been feeling pretty shitty and the bear brought me a sense of ease...
So when I went to the doctor I had every intention of planning my induction for around the 8th if Isaac hadn't arrived by the due date, Nov. 5th.
But when Dr. Martin came in my world was turned upside down. What she said threw me for a loop, and explained why I'd been feeling so miserable.
"Well, I know that you planned to be induced later but it looks like it'll be happening sooner." I looked at her curiously and she then told me that aside from the high blood pressure they had discovered a helluvalot of protein in my urine. What's funny is the process they use is basically a spot check... Its not even a full analysis. Being term she wasn't overly concerned as she could just induce me as opposed to making me do a 24hr urine catch and things like that. She wanted to get him out as soon as possible. I at first wanted to wait until Halloween, but after realizing that she wouldn't be there on that day and me wanting her to deliver him I asked her what her version of 'as soon as possible' was. Her response was 'tomorrow'. So we discussed a time and settled on 2pm the 29th. I was excited to know that soon Isaac would be out of my body and in this world and I'd be able to meet him at last.
Oddly enough I wasn't surprised in the slightest about the preeclampsia, rather I was wondering when it would pop up. Knowing that my biological mother has hbp out the wazoo (she was/is on meds for it) I knew it was only a matter of time before it showed up... Even though I held out hope for me to not have any bp issues I wasn't disappointed. So I went home and got as ready as I could for my son...
October 29th I went in as scheduled and they got me hooked up... My first nurse was a sweetheart named Jen. Poor nurse had a rough time getting the IV in as my veins kept rolling, but she was awesome. She ended up having to have a different nurse, I think her name was/is Robin, to do it and she managed to get the IV in me. So I settled in for a semi long wait as I knew it'd be a while before it would be time to evict my tenant. XD
I had settled on using a fentanyl drip for pain maintenance, only opting for the epidural as an extreme last resort... I don't like needles and I sure as hell didn't want one near my spine... I was started on pitocin to get the contractions started... I hadn't even noticed they'd started me on it until they upped the dosage to 4 units... Sneaky devils. lol So not much really to tell except that Angie, Paul, Evan, Laura, Olivia, and Vicki were all there lending support. And of course Matt was there.
As the hours went on they continued to up my dose of pitocin and I rolled and bounced around on my exercise ball to help counteract the pain and help bring him down into my hips and whatnot. At either 8 or 10 units I began to feel like I was leaking or at least starting to leak amniotic fluid, but I wasn't. No bulging bag of water, but I was finally 5cm dilated. Dr. Martin broke my bag of waters and then the real fun began. After my water was broken the contractions doubled in strength and in intensity... They also picked up. They took forever on the fentanyl drip as I struggled to maintain a good breathing rhythm as the contractions came hard and fast... I seriously wanted to punch one nurse in the face and I struggled greatly not to yell at her to get the damn drip because of the back labor... Ahh yes... The back labor... I still had it and it hurt like a bitch... I figured there was no escaping it even though baby was supposedly in the birthing position. My pitocin drip stayed at 11 units as my contractions were getting stronger and stronger... And the fentanyl drip wasn't even touching the pain...
Finally at 9 1/2cm dilated I couldn't take it anymore... Angie had come in and suggested the epidural and I finally agreed... I needed relief if I was to push this baby out... I needed relief from the back labor... They took forever getting that too, but only because I needed to have a certain amount of fluid in me before they put it in... I just wanted the damn epidural. XD Once I'd pushed enough fluids the anesthesiologist came in to do my epidural. I have to say, as terrified as I was of the epidural, he was so calm and so sweet that it calmed my nerves. He was able to do it easily and swiftly despite my immense pain. Within minutes the epidural was in and the pain relief began... Not too much later I didn't even feel the contractions unless I was paying attention, as it completely got rid of the back labor, leaving only pressure waves coming from my uterus from the contractions themselves. It was amazing... I was able to finally relax and doze off. I didn't sleep but the dozing definitely helped things, and poor Matt finally was able to have his hand back. XD After 15 minutes the Dr. came back to check on me saying that it was perfectly normal to be able to move my feet and that I was handling the medication very well. Dr. Martin finally checked me and was surprised to find that little Isaac was already on his way out. In a total of about 10 minutes and 6 good pushes Isaac Kaelan Justice entered the world.
Covered in goo as he was he was gorgeous. He had (and still does have) a full head of black hair as he came out. He didn't cry at first but when he was placed on my belly he cracked one eye open as if to say "I'm here mommy." His mouth was wide open as if he was screaming silently but they had to hurry to get him to breathe so they whisked him away. To finally hear his cry was a big relief.
I ended up with a 1st degree tear that I watched Dr. Martin stitch up. She was awesome, letting me use a mirror to see his birth, letting me touch his head as he was crowning, and even letting me touch his placenta and umbilical cord (which feels really, really weird by the way)... As she stitched me up she was praising me for how well I had done, saying I was a natural born pusher and how she didn't know how I had managed to get to 10cm in the first place as I had to push at every other contraction.
My beautiful boy... My rainbow baby was born October 30th 2014 at 1:58 am weighing 6 pounds and 20 3/4 inches long. He was absolutely perfect.
I have to say that giving birth was a powerful experience and something I never thought I would get to do. I have no regrets and I have a beautiful rainbow baby home with me.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Monday, October 27, 2014
October 28th, 2014: I need serenity, in a place where I can hide
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference...
I can't change the fact that 3 of my precious babies are gone... But God, just give me peace... I dont need all these roiling emotions right now as I am so close to delivering my rainbow... I'm already overwhelmed from all the back pain...
I'm already out in the open... You took my hiding spot away from me long ago... You made it clear long ago that I have things to do on this blasted planet... You gave me an amazing husband that keeps me anchored here in this world, instead of joining my babies...
I cant take all of this right now... I cant take the back pain, the swollen ankles, the barely being able to move, the insensitive comments from my mom, and the pain from losing my children, the pain from not being able to hold Chris's body and feel his warmth... To see him smile...
Why? Why me? Why so many times?
Please just let Isaac come already. I cant take anymore pain and I need him in my arms crying and breathing... I need him out so I can see him smile and walk and hear him laugh and coo... I need relief from the physical pain...
I need serenity in a place where I can hide...
I can't change the fact that 3 of my precious babies are gone... But God, just give me peace... I dont need all these roiling emotions right now as I am so close to delivering my rainbow... I'm already overwhelmed from all the back pain...
I'm already out in the open... You took my hiding spot away from me long ago... You made it clear long ago that I have things to do on this blasted planet... You gave me an amazing husband that keeps me anchored here in this world, instead of joining my babies...
I cant take all of this right now... I cant take the back pain, the swollen ankles, the barely being able to move, the insensitive comments from my mom, and the pain from losing my children, the pain from not being able to hold Chris's body and feel his warmth... To see him smile...
Why? Why me? Why so many times?
Please just let Isaac come already. I cant take anymore pain and I need him in my arms crying and breathing... I need him out so I can see him smile and walk and hear him laugh and coo... I need relief from the physical pain...
I need serenity in a place where I can hide...
Sunday, October 26, 2014
October 27th, 2014: A Year and Two months exactly and More Bullshit
Ironically I didnt even realize the date today until I just looked at the date... Chris is 14 months old today... His adjusted age is a little over 8mos old...
God I miss him so much... Lately I've been sleeping with his Molly Bear because I've been so- moody? Anyway, sleeping with his bear brings me comfort and today was a really good day until I talked to my mom... I should have known by now she's... just difficult to communicate with... And whenever I mention Chris she says the most ridiculous things...
She had me sobbing tonight... And even now as I think about it I'm starting to get really really depressed... Poor Matt... But I have an awesome future husband and I feel really blessed to have him and his support...
Conversation goes like this...
Mom: Don't be down. I know it's rough when it seems know one believes you. But I do honey.He's your first just remember he is your first. It's all new to you.
Me: He's my first full term. He's not my first.
And I'm not trying to be rude so sorry if it sounded like that
Mom: Ok please don't be snappy. I will talk to you sometime. You know what I meant. Most people try not to linger over sad situations. This is a very happy, joyous occasion. We will talk maybe talk tomorrow.
Me: I'm not trying to be snappy. And I'm not lingering.
I just dont think its fair that they are not acknowledged because they didnt come home with me.
Its like saying Aunt Carrie didnt exist and make a difference because she's gone now.
Mom: Ok good night. I very had a still birth and a miscarriage. So I feel you
Just don't think that I need to go their with you. People that didn't know you were pregnant or could see you that you were pregnant don't feel like you. Nikki had a few miscarriages before she got pregnant with mymy. As far as Aunt Carrie. How can you you compare. It's not the same. Aunt Carrie lived 97 years out of the womb produced 4 children and had 2 still births. Not the same. talk later.
Me: Fine. Ttyl
God I miss him so much... Lately I've been sleeping with his Molly Bear because I've been so- moody? Anyway, sleeping with his bear brings me comfort and today was a really good day until I talked to my mom... I should have known by now she's... just difficult to communicate with... And whenever I mention Chris she says the most ridiculous things...
She had me sobbing tonight... And even now as I think about it I'm starting to get really really depressed... Poor Matt... But I have an awesome future husband and I feel really blessed to have him and his support...
Conversation goes like this...
Mom: Don't be down. I know it's rough when it seems know one believes you. But I do honey.He's your first just remember he is your first. It's all new to you.
Me: He's my first full term. He's not my first.
And I'm not trying to be rude so sorry if it sounded like that
Mom: Ok please don't be snappy. I will talk to you sometime. You know what I meant. Most people try not to linger over sad situations. This is a very happy, joyous occasion. We will talk maybe talk tomorrow.
Me: I'm not trying to be snappy. And I'm not lingering.
I just dont think its fair that they are not acknowledged because they didnt come home with me.
Its like saying Aunt Carrie didnt exist and make a difference because she's gone now.
Mom: Ok good night. I very had a still birth and a miscarriage. So I feel you
Just don't think that I need to go their with you. People that didn't know you were pregnant or could see you that you were pregnant don't feel like you. Nikki had a few miscarriages before she got pregnant with mymy. As far as Aunt Carrie. How can you you compare. It's not the same. Aunt Carrie lived 97 years out of the womb produced 4 children and had 2 still births. Not the same. talk later.
Me: Fine. Ttyl
What the fuck? Seriously? Not the same. So Jade, Chris, and Serenity dont matter because they didnt live for 97 fucking years like my Aunt Carrie? And this is someone who claims to have had both a stillbirth and a miscarriage.
SERIOUSLY? Needless to say I went to my room sobbing... To my own mother, my babies shouldn't be mentioned because they didnt come home with me... They shouldnt be mentioned because they didnt get to have any firsts like my Aunt Carrie. I'm not allowed to talk about my children because they are dead... And my wonderful husband... He went into our room and held me while I sobbed into his shoulder... At first I couldn't even find the words to try to explain what had even happened... I just cried... And I still feel like bawling my eyes out...
I have to act like Isaac is my first child because that what people see... They cant see Jade, Chris, and Serenity, so they dont exist... And that's total bullshit...
I'm gonna go to bed before I start bawling again...
Thursday, October 23, 2014
October 23rd, 2014: Making a difference and looking toward the future
I've always been one of those people who want to make a change... To make a difference... And as I look down at my body, I realize just how far I've come...
You see, I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow... That's quite a change... Quite a difference... But I am still dealing with losses of my own... Losing two confirmed pregnancies and one suspected doesnt make things easy for me...
Looking toward the future I will always be reminded of the babies I lost... Jade... Christopher... Serenity... And in turn I will always be reminded of babies like Preston, Hunter, Connor and Benjamin... Silas, Joanna...
I wonder how many are lucky enough to have their rainbow... To have that monumental change in their life... How many can look to the future with smiles on their faces because they have a rainbow, and change, to look forward to...
Its funny how without people there would be no change... Without people there would be no life lessons learned, no little miracles called children... No one would experience things good or bad... Its people, whether you've had good experiences or bad, that make all the difference in the world...
My friend Cat wrote a blog post about survival... Oddly my life has been full of that... And unfortunately most of it hasnt been the positive type of survival... I once didnt see the point of looking toward the future, but because people were so derogatory I made up my mind to prove them wrong... Until my body started working against me...
When you meet me personally I seem... Aloof... My scarred past is easily visible and is often felt because I'm not social in the slightest... I DON'T like people... Much :D It takes a while of watching and observing before I'll interact with my surroundings, especially if those surroundings are people... Yet as I said its people that make a difference... Chris, Jade, Ben and Connor, Silas, Preston, Cat... Those beautiful souls have touched mine and made a difference. The support I get and have from Cat and so many others that are on the board that Cat and I frequent... I never in my life expected such understanding... Such love and acceptance... And from total strangers that I am now honored to call my friends and family...
Cat say's I've made a difference... Maybe I have... But the difference she and so many others have made in my life are the inspiration and driving force behind my desire to make a difference to the people who need it most. She honors her precious baby boy and spreads a bit of happiness and I want to help her.
Losing a child isnt easy... Losing more than one really fucking sucks (excuse the profanity). But those tiny people make an impact... Maybe not on everyone... But they certainly leave a mark.
You see, I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow... That's quite a change... Quite a difference... But I am still dealing with losses of my own... Losing two confirmed pregnancies and one suspected doesnt make things easy for me...
Looking toward the future I will always be reminded of the babies I lost... Jade... Christopher... Serenity... And in turn I will always be reminded of babies like Preston, Hunter, Connor and Benjamin... Silas, Joanna...
I wonder how many are lucky enough to have their rainbow... To have that monumental change in their life... How many can look to the future with smiles on their faces because they have a rainbow, and change, to look forward to...
Its funny how without people there would be no change... Without people there would be no life lessons learned, no little miracles called children... No one would experience things good or bad... Its people, whether you've had good experiences or bad, that make all the difference in the world...
My friend Cat wrote a blog post about survival... Oddly my life has been full of that... And unfortunately most of it hasnt been the positive type of survival... I once didnt see the point of looking toward the future, but because people were so derogatory I made up my mind to prove them wrong... Until my body started working against me...
When you meet me personally I seem... Aloof... My scarred past is easily visible and is often felt because I'm not social in the slightest... I DON'T like people... Much :D It takes a while of watching and observing before I'll interact with my surroundings, especially if those surroundings are people... Yet as I said its people that make a difference... Chris, Jade, Ben and Connor, Silas, Preston, Cat... Those beautiful souls have touched mine and made a difference. The support I get and have from Cat and so many others that are on the board that Cat and I frequent... I never in my life expected such understanding... Such love and acceptance... And from total strangers that I am now honored to call my friends and family...
Cat say's I've made a difference... Maybe I have... But the difference she and so many others have made in my life are the inspiration and driving force behind my desire to make a difference to the people who need it most. She honors her precious baby boy and spreads a bit of happiness and I want to help her.
Losing a child isnt easy... Losing more than one really fucking sucks (excuse the profanity). But those tiny people make an impact... Maybe not on everyone... But they certainly leave a mark.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
September 28th, 2014: Music and facing the truth
Music is the talk of the soul... Or something like that... Music seems to be able to get things that you cant say out into the open... It can make you remember or help you forget... It can soothe or anger...
Lately I find that certain songs now make me face the truth... Just like a certain blog I read from time to time... One of my dear friends made this blog to share her son Preston, who she lost when he was 16 weeks old... He was a beautiful baby, full of smiles...
But I find that her blog has the nasty habit of making me face the truth when I read it sometimes... She never writes anything that's depressing, but her blog is good at that ya know? And I'm not mad that she has that ability at all, in fact I'm glad she's able to make me face the facts sometimes... Because if I didnt I'd forget... And I dont believe that there is such thing as a memory that's ok to forget... I dont want to forget Preston... I dont want to forget Jade, Chris and Serenity... I dont want to forget Benjamin and Connor. I dont wanna forget Vida, Jaylynn, Joanna, Ellie Sawyer, Silas and the countless others that have touched my life.
But just like with music that brings with it the ups and downs that you hold within your heart, I think it's a good thing not to dwell... The children live within our hearts and in a roundabout way keep us strong for those determined enough to ride the waves in the ocean of grief that we all experience when we lose a child... To come out on top is what they want, and so we struggle...
But every once and a while we have to face the truth. I'm glad that Cat's blog does that for me.
Lately I find that certain songs now make me face the truth... Just like a certain blog I read from time to time... One of my dear friends made this blog to share her son Preston, who she lost when he was 16 weeks old... He was a beautiful baby, full of smiles...
But I find that her blog has the nasty habit of making me face the truth when I read it sometimes... She never writes anything that's depressing, but her blog is good at that ya know? And I'm not mad that she has that ability at all, in fact I'm glad she's able to make me face the facts sometimes... Because if I didnt I'd forget... And I dont believe that there is such thing as a memory that's ok to forget... I dont want to forget Preston... I dont want to forget Jade, Chris and Serenity... I dont want to forget Benjamin and Connor. I dont wanna forget Vida, Jaylynn, Joanna, Ellie Sawyer, Silas and the countless others that have touched my life.
But just like with music that brings with it the ups and downs that you hold within your heart, I think it's a good thing not to dwell... The children live within our hearts and in a roundabout way keep us strong for those determined enough to ride the waves in the ocean of grief that we all experience when we lose a child... To come out on top is what they want, and so we struggle...
But every once and a while we have to face the truth. I'm glad that Cat's blog does that for me.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Sept. 3rd, 2014: Thoughts
So many thoughts going through my head... My bracelets, the PAIL quilt, the tree...
Isaac and Chris and Jade and Beanie...
What would things be like now? If Jade and Chris had stayed? I wonder about closure, and milestones... Why was nothing done to help me and Chris? Why, even after they new that I was having contractions, did they do nothing...
It's been a year now, and I still sometimes go to a dark place...
And FOR GODS SAKES WHY WONT ANYONE MENTION THEM?! See that's what gets me the most... We're not allowed to speak of our kids because they're dead... We're not allowed to show pictures because they dont look like babies... Because they have no fat on their bodies or they've retained water or they've got some other thing goin on... Its only ok to show babies that have fat on their bodies...
News flash: YOU LOOKED LIKE THAT TOO WHEN YOU WERE IN THE WOMB!
My family never speaks of Jade and Chris... I dont even feel comfortable speaking to my mom in depth about them... She denied they ever existed... And then when my sister spilled the beans a=she wants to act like nothing ever happened... She doesnt want to talk about them... No one mentions them... The only people I can really talk to that arent on BBC are Matt (Chris, Beanie and Isaac's dad) and his stepmom Angie.
Then theres fatal diagnoses that get under my skin.
And then there's the fact that being pregnant with Isaac makes me think so much of Chris... Is this what Chris would have done if he stayed put? What would he be like now? His due date was the day I conceived Isaac, Valentine's Day of this year... Its also me and Matt's anniversary... We've been together a year and so much has happened... But he is the only person to stand by my side through it all...
Not once did he say to take Chris's pic down... I remember one time I was pissed at him and was gonna move into the other room and he said no, and to put Chris's picture back where it belonged... Even though he's told me he's a little weirded out by the picture... I dont blame him though... I think had I not lost Chris and someone showed me a picture of their angel and it looked like Chris does, I'd be a little weirded out too.
Matt never tells me not to talk about Chris, or to 'get over it' and all the other stuff that people can say. He just hugs me and does some random stupid shit to make me laugh again and then tells me that its gonna be ok.
What I dont understand is why people seem to think that losing a child is- you know I dont even know the word for it. They downplay it like it's not big... Would you want us to downplay the death of a loved on who's been here years, or downplay the death of a beloved pet? I'm pretty sure you'd get pissed so why do it to us? Why downplay our child/children's death(s) like its nothing when it destroys our world just like losing that beloved pet would crash yours. Yeah, you learn to move on, and so do we, but you dont find us saying half the random bullshit that I hear others have said.
*sigh* Idk...
Isaac and Chris and Jade and Beanie...
What would things be like now? If Jade and Chris had stayed? I wonder about closure, and milestones... Why was nothing done to help me and Chris? Why, even after they new that I was having contractions, did they do nothing...
It's been a year now, and I still sometimes go to a dark place...
And FOR GODS SAKES WHY WONT ANYONE MENTION THEM?! See that's what gets me the most... We're not allowed to speak of our kids because they're dead... We're not allowed to show pictures because they dont look like babies... Because they have no fat on their bodies or they've retained water or they've got some other thing goin on... Its only ok to show babies that have fat on their bodies...
News flash: YOU LOOKED LIKE THAT TOO WHEN YOU WERE IN THE WOMB!
My family never speaks of Jade and Chris... I dont even feel comfortable speaking to my mom in depth about them... She denied they ever existed... And then when my sister spilled the beans a=she wants to act like nothing ever happened... She doesnt want to talk about them... No one mentions them... The only people I can really talk to that arent on BBC are Matt (Chris, Beanie and Isaac's dad) and his stepmom Angie.
Then theres fatal diagnoses that get under my skin.
And then there's the fact that being pregnant with Isaac makes me think so much of Chris... Is this what Chris would have done if he stayed put? What would he be like now? His due date was the day I conceived Isaac, Valentine's Day of this year... Its also me and Matt's anniversary... We've been together a year and so much has happened... But he is the only person to stand by my side through it all...
Not once did he say to take Chris's pic down... I remember one time I was pissed at him and was gonna move into the other room and he said no, and to put Chris's picture back where it belonged... Even though he's told me he's a little weirded out by the picture... I dont blame him though... I think had I not lost Chris and someone showed me a picture of their angel and it looked like Chris does, I'd be a little weirded out too.
Matt never tells me not to talk about Chris, or to 'get over it' and all the other stuff that people can say. He just hugs me and does some random stupid shit to make me laugh again and then tells me that its gonna be ok.
What I dont understand is why people seem to think that losing a child is- you know I dont even know the word for it. They downplay it like it's not big... Would you want us to downplay the death of a loved on who's been here years, or downplay the death of a beloved pet? I'm pretty sure you'd get pissed so why do it to us? Why downplay our child/children's death(s) like its nothing when it destroys our world just like losing that beloved pet would crash yours. Yeah, you learn to move on, and so do we, but you dont find us saying half the random bullshit that I hear others have said.
*sigh* Idk...
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
A year ago today... My full story
A year ago today my tiny perfect son Christopher Lee Justice was born. I had him in my bathroom at 1:10 am. He was 6in long and weighed 1.6oz.
A year ago today I was pregnant... Just like I am now, but the outcome was that instead of a take home baby, I got an angel instead...
I woke up to random spotting on my birthday last year... I'd discovered June of 2013 that I was pregnant and spent months getting the run around on getting pregnancy medicaid... I didnt find out until two weeks before all this went down that my medicaid never got turned off like I thought it did...
I got an OB consulation thingy set up for this day last year... I was blissful.. Feeling guilty at being 'ok' that Jade didnt make it I resolved to give this baby enough love for him and his big brother... But on my birthday everything changed.
I found myself in the er, worried that I was losing him... Matt (my SO) was exhausted from work the previous night... and I got checked by the people at Wishard... They said everything looked fine, and I remember them asking if I'd heard the heartbeat yet... I said no and they went and got a doppler... I heard my son's heartbeat at 167 bpm... So strong and so fast... I remember them giving me a pelvic exam and asking when my LMP was and being shocked when I told them it was May 7th... They kept acting like it was weird and whenever I'd ask why they were so surprised they never answered... I still remember the smile Matt had when he heard Chris's heartbeat... I'll never forget that look... The love and happiness in his eyes...
I would continue to spot on and off until the 26th, when I'd lose my mucus plug... I was at my housemate's mom's house for a pathfinder game and when I went to pee I noticed it... Again we went to the hospital, only to be told everything was fine. By that time my back was killing me... I never once realized that the 'growing pains' that I was having were in fact contractions... I'd been having them for two weeks now... They again seemed so surprised that my LMP was May 7th, and now I was beginning to get worried and frustrated... I knew the end was near but I was denid a cerclage, being told I didnt fit the guidelines... That you're not allowed a cerclage when you're having contractions... And yet they did nothing to stop them... They kept repeating that there was nothing they could do...
They sent me home and at around 9:30-9:45 my water broke... Luckily I was wearing a pad but I thought I'd peed myself. My back pain had reached an all time high so I took a shower with my SO and took a muscle relaxer and went to bed as he went to work...
I woke up to pee at around 1am and went to pee... I thought I had to suddenly poop so I pushed... And Chris's tiny feet and part of his cord popped out... I was in shock... I couldnt believe it was happening again... But gravity was working against me and he kept coming... All I could do was hold his tiny body as it slipped out of mine and make sure it didnt fall in the toilet... My son was born at 1:10 without ever taking a breath... I was definitely in shock... I asked Jake (a former housemate) to grab Matt's old phone and I called 911 saying I'd just miscarried... But Jake had no idea I was even pregnant...
They got here fairly quick. When they saw me holding Chris's tiny body the first words out of the first guy that entered was "I'm so sorry". As they were wheeling me out the door I told Jake to call Matt... I'd given him my phone that night... Jake told him to meet me at wishard and when he handed me the phone Matt's first sentence was "Did you miscarry?" I said yes and he said he was on his way.
He met us there and when he walked in there were tears in his eyes and a sadness I never want to see again on his face... He cried the tears that wouldnt come for me just yet... The people there kept asking if I was ok and I kept saying I'm in shock right now, the tears will come later... Mat tried to hold it together but he he was having trouble... The staff were nice and treated my child like a child... I was allowed to keep him with me. I hadnt delivered the placenta and they said it was best not to go home until I did...
I didnt want surgery so I opted for meds to help... But they didnt work... I spent 12 hrs trying to deliver Chris's placenta and had passed some really large clots... I ended up needing an emergency D&C to remove the placenta... I nearly needed a blood trasfusion and they filled me with three litres of fluid before they operated. When they said they had to do one I was soo afraid of being put to sleep... All I remember is thinking what would happen to Matt... I begged god not to let me fall asleep... Because of I did I knew I wouldnt wake up... And I couldnt do that to Matt...
I begged them not to put me to sleep, and thonkfully they listened... They gave me some sort of med that they put into my spine... I wouldnt feel any pain but I'd feel pressure...
I remember they strapped me down for some reason... Hot from the morphine and itchy form the med they shot into my spine I started to dose... And each time I started slipping something started to itch really badly and I'd be jolted back into wakefullness...
The operation was quick and successful... And I'd made it through to come ack to my tiny child and the man that will one day be my husband... I was inobservation for an hour and kept overnight, and discharged the 28th of last year...
Since then the road had been long and hard... I was numb for a long long time... But Matt has been my rock, my constant support when everything fell to shreds around me... Even though I wanted him tested they dipped him in that formeldahyde solution thingy too quickly...
I'll never truely know whether he was a trisomy baby or if he was just a normal baby with an isolated instance of a single umbilical artery... I'll never truely know if it was that or if it was solely my body's immune system destroying his lifeline...
But even though each and every day I miss him terribly, and ache for something his weight to hold once more, I'm grateful to have had the little bit of time that I did have...
Sunday, August 17, 2014
August 18, 2014: Honoring Angels and the Angel Wishing Tree
So on BabyCenter I created a thread... And in it I offered to make bracelets to honor lost babies...
You see, I'd been tormented by the fact I didn't know what to do to give back to the awesome people that had helped me cope with the loss of Christopher...
A dear friend of mine that I met on BBC (Babycenter) who wishes to remain anonymous has this amazing tree. She had started it as a wishing tree for her living daughter and then decided to include all of us moms (and possibly dads too) of angel babies...
She got a whole bunch of different color ribbons and made little leaf-like papers and wrote our babies names/nicknames on them and hung them on the tree... That selfless act not only floored me but made me wish ever so much harder for a way to repay her kindness...
I get to see all three of my babies in one spot here on earth... I may never get to hold them but to finally see them down here with me is the best feeling that only one who has gone through it will understand...
And so I thought and thought... Meanwhile a quilt was being made, a thread was made for dates that were significant to us, and then there's a thread to show off our photos or just tell our stories...
And finally, it was my turn... I crochet and one day I had the urge to look up how to make angel wings... And the rest fell into place.
I wasn't sure how much of a hit it would be, but it is definitely a hit, and I'm so honored and happy to finally be doing something to the many awesome people that helped me through my loss. I can never say the right words to say how much they and their angels have touched my life, but I'm hoping my bracelets will get it across.
You see, I'd been tormented by the fact I didn't know what to do to give back to the awesome people that had helped me cope with the loss of Christopher...
A dear friend of mine that I met on BBC (Babycenter) who wishes to remain anonymous has this amazing tree. She had started it as a wishing tree for her living daughter and then decided to include all of us moms (and possibly dads too) of angel babies...
She got a whole bunch of different color ribbons and made little leaf-like papers and wrote our babies names/nicknames on them and hung them on the tree... That selfless act not only floored me but made me wish ever so much harder for a way to repay her kindness...
I get to see all three of my babies in one spot here on earth... I may never get to hold them but to finally see them down here with me is the best feeling that only one who has gone through it will understand...
And so I thought and thought... Meanwhile a quilt was being made, a thread was made for dates that were significant to us, and then there's a thread to show off our photos or just tell our stories...
And finally, it was my turn... I crochet and one day I had the urge to look up how to make angel wings... And the rest fell into place.
I wasn't sure how much of a hit it would be, but it is definitely a hit, and I'm so honored and happy to finally be doing something to the many awesome people that helped me through my loss. I can never say the right words to say how much they and their angels have touched my life, but I'm hoping my bracelets will get it across.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
July 15th, 2014: Mystery Diagnosis and My Own Realizations
Recently I've been watching Mystery Diagnosis. It's an old show that used to air on Discovery Health before Oprah bought it and turned it to OWN (The Oprah Winfry Network). WHY she couldnt make her own damn channel with all that money I'll never understand (but thats a different tangent, and it has nothing to do with the topic of my blog so I'm leaving it be :P).
Mystery Diagnosis is about rare medical diseases that next to no one knows about. There are all sorts of rare diseases, like PNH (Paroxymal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria) which is potentially deadly if left untreated, PANDAS, which is an autoimmune disorder where the body's strep antibodies mistake your own neurons for the strep bacteria (you start to display tourettes and OCD behaviors), Maple Syrup Urine Disease where you body is unable to process two different amino acids and your urine smells like maple syrup. Ingesting those amino acids can be lethal. There are so, so many more and you can check them out on youtube.
There was one episode I watched on youtube. The video was called the boy who only hopped, where it showed his mystery diagnosis (PANDAS) and the diagnosis of a woman who had Autoimmune Progesterone Dermatitis... Which now leads me to the name of my post.
Thanks to an app called Fertility Friend I started tracking my cycles more in depth, and came to realize there is a pattern to my flare ups... My flare ups happen around the second half of my monthly cycles, which is when progesterone production spikes because you ovulate...
The flare ups are recreatable by exposing your body to the hormone, by intramuscular progesterone or a patch (which is what was used to solidify the lady's mystery diagnosis).
13 weeks gestation is when your baby's placenta is fully operational, and when your body starts producing progesterone rather than hcg. I started getting the progesterone shots at 13 weeks, and noticed that my eczema would flare horribly every time I got a new shot... Then I watched the PANDAS mystery diagnosis and it clicked... Because of the Fertility Friend app, I was made aware of the cycle in my flare ups... And then, it made me remember Chris... From 14w to when I lost him at 16w I had horrible eczema and had constant contractions that I was told was growing pains...
And now... My body had killed my son... My immune system killed my tiny child... A child that depended on me to keep him alive and safe... A child I felt I was ready to raise and to keep...It explained how I was able to get pregnant by taking Benadryl, both with Chris and with Isaac... Benadryl is an antihistamine, and represses your immune system... Reduces inflammation... I didnt have any Benadryl when I was pregnant with Chris... But I keep a constant supply now...
I'm at a loss for words really... My body, without medical help, will kill every child I conceive...
Mystery Diagnosis is about rare medical diseases that next to no one knows about. There are all sorts of rare diseases, like PNH (Paroxymal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria) which is potentially deadly if left untreated, PANDAS, which is an autoimmune disorder where the body's strep antibodies mistake your own neurons for the strep bacteria (you start to display tourettes and OCD behaviors), Maple Syrup Urine Disease where you body is unable to process two different amino acids and your urine smells like maple syrup. Ingesting those amino acids can be lethal. There are so, so many more and you can check them out on youtube.
There was one episode I watched on youtube. The video was called the boy who only hopped, where it showed his mystery diagnosis (PANDAS) and the diagnosis of a woman who had Autoimmune Progesterone Dermatitis... Which now leads me to the name of my post.
Thanks to an app called Fertility Friend I started tracking my cycles more in depth, and came to realize there is a pattern to my flare ups... My flare ups happen around the second half of my monthly cycles, which is when progesterone production spikes because you ovulate...
The flare ups are recreatable by exposing your body to the hormone, by intramuscular progesterone or a patch (which is what was used to solidify the lady's mystery diagnosis).
13 weeks gestation is when your baby's placenta is fully operational, and when your body starts producing progesterone rather than hcg. I started getting the progesterone shots at 13 weeks, and noticed that my eczema would flare horribly every time I got a new shot... Then I watched the PANDAS mystery diagnosis and it clicked... Because of the Fertility Friend app, I was made aware of the cycle in my flare ups... And then, it made me remember Chris... From 14w to when I lost him at 16w I had horrible eczema and had constant contractions that I was told was growing pains...
And now... My body had killed my son... My immune system killed my tiny child... A child that depended on me to keep him alive and safe... A child I felt I was ready to raise and to keep...It explained how I was able to get pregnant by taking Benadryl, both with Chris and with Isaac... Benadryl is an antihistamine, and represses your immune system... Reduces inflammation... I didnt have any Benadryl when I was pregnant with Chris... But I keep a constant supply now...
I'm at a loss for words really... My body, without medical help, will kill every child I conceive...
July 29th, 2014: Trying not to think about it... And failing miserably
So I ended up listening to an Eminem mix on YouTube... And one of the songs is "When I'm Gone". Once again I found myself in tears...
I've been trying not to think about my birthday. I've been trying not to think about the son I lost just last year... Trying not to think about the gaping hole that he left. Trying not to think of wanting to hold him or how if he was here he'd be almost a year...
But I'm failing miserably... My birthday... A time where I'm supposed to be happy and enjoying being pregnant with my son Isaac... But there's only trepidation as I inch ever so slowly toward that date... You see, my birthday is the first and only time I got to hear his heartbeat... And six days later I caught him as he came out of me when I went to go pee that morning...
The pain is still fresh. It still hurts like hell... I didn't get to see him smile, or hold him and tell him I love him. He never got to truly hear my voice like Isaac does, or feel my hand on his home like Isaac... He didn't get to take a breath on his birthday... His tiny little heart had stopped beating when my water broke, or he suffocated when the his umbilical cord hit air... I never saw his little chest move, never felt any of his little muscles move...
It's almost been a year... Last year, I was pregnant on my birthday, and happy... This year, I'll be pregnant on my birthday... But this time... I don't really know what to feel.
I've been trying not to think about my birthday. I've been trying not to think about the son I lost just last year... Trying not to think about the gaping hole that he left. Trying not to think of wanting to hold him or how if he was here he'd be almost a year...
But I'm failing miserably... My birthday... A time where I'm supposed to be happy and enjoying being pregnant with my son Isaac... But there's only trepidation as I inch ever so slowly toward that date... You see, my birthday is the first and only time I got to hear his heartbeat... And six days later I caught him as he came out of me when I went to go pee that morning...
The pain is still fresh. It still hurts like hell... I didn't get to see him smile, or hold him and tell him I love him. He never got to truly hear my voice like Isaac does, or feel my hand on his home like Isaac... He didn't get to take a breath on his birthday... His tiny little heart had stopped beating when my water broke, or he suffocated when the his umbilical cord hit air... I never saw his little chest move, never felt any of his little muscles move...
It's almost been a year... Last year, I was pregnant on my birthday, and happy... This year, I'll be pregnant on my birthday... But this time... I don't really know what to feel.
Monday, June 23, 2014
June 23rd, 2014 An angel's birthday, Christopher, and Isaac
First I want to give a shout out to a little angel born this day... I shall not name him, as I do not have permission, but he and his mother, whom I shall simply refer to as A, have touched my lives in more ways than one...
My heart goes out to you A on your son's birthday. I wish you nothing but the best. I pray your day is filled with nothing but happiness and that your little boy can spend the day with you... Know that he is always in your heart and soul, and always wants you to hold your head high and smile.
Missing Christopher... My secondborn son... It hurts... I ended up sleeping with his bunny that I got at Wishard Hospital when I brought his tiny, still body to the hospital with me...
My son is with me, I can feel him... And I am blessed to be able to see him and Jade with my own eye from time to time... No, I did not misspell the word... I have long been told I have the 'gift'... What is the 'gift' you ask? The gift of sight... Being Psychic... We all have it... Some are told that having the 'gift' is 'of the devil', Some grow out of it, as one would do their clothes. Some block it out completely, some are raised knowing that their gift is meant to be used, and they train to use it to their advantage, and to the advantage of others. And then there are yet more who, have it but do not know how to train in that aspect, knowing that to speak about it means to be locked in an institution.
I am one such 'child'. I've had the gift, and retained my childish love and wonder of life and the world. I've never been trained to use it, and to speak up and try to find a person to teach me in such a dangerous world, would land me in immense trouble... And so I do nothing... But I relish in being blessed enough to see my angels, and to be able to 'see' and sense the other angels, like A's little boy.
Today I woke after seeing my adopted family, some of whom I havent seen in years... It was nice, but also awkward... You see, I havent forgotten the slight my adopted mother did to me and Matt... When I lost Chris, I told her a few days later. When I was called by the Dr. that had attended me, he told me that Chris had a two vessel cord, when he should have had one with three vessels... I googled it and learned that it was called SUA, or Single Umbilical Artery, and that it was most often associated with a trisomy, which is when you have three copies of a gene.
Fortunately for Chris, he didnt have any congenital defects... He was perfectly formed. I'll never know his genetics, as the Dr. didnt get to him in time to get a sample of the placenta for testing.
Being pregnant with my rainbow, and being around them, makes me awkward because my adopted mom said I'd made Chris up to keep Matt with me... The same thing she said about Jade and Joe... I do not have that kind of conniving ability... And it doesnt make sense either... How would losing a kid make the guy want to stay? If anything that means he no longer has an obligation to me... And saying you're pregnant isnt going to keep a person with you anyway. Lots of guys have walked out on women when they've announced that they're pregnant...
But now I'm expected to act like everything's ok when it's not. I'm expected to let her throw me a baby shower, and let her buy things for Isaac, and let her hold him, and play nice. I dont blame Matt for not wanting anything to do with her, but what happens when Isaac is born and he's old enough to comprehend what we do? What then when he sees Matt is still holding his grudge for what she did to Chris? I dont want him to grow up in the very thing I despise...
And yet... What can I really do, when I feel he is justified and would love nothing more than to tell Celia to fuck off.
My heart goes out to you A on your son's birthday. I wish you nothing but the best. I pray your day is filled with nothing but happiness and that your little boy can spend the day with you... Know that he is always in your heart and soul, and always wants you to hold your head high and smile.
Missing Christopher... My secondborn son... It hurts... I ended up sleeping with his bunny that I got at Wishard Hospital when I brought his tiny, still body to the hospital with me...
My son is with me, I can feel him... And I am blessed to be able to see him and Jade with my own eye from time to time... No, I did not misspell the word... I have long been told I have the 'gift'... What is the 'gift' you ask? The gift of sight... Being Psychic... We all have it... Some are told that having the 'gift' is 'of the devil', Some grow out of it, as one would do their clothes. Some block it out completely, some are raised knowing that their gift is meant to be used, and they train to use it to their advantage, and to the advantage of others. And then there are yet more who, have it but do not know how to train in that aspect, knowing that to speak about it means to be locked in an institution.
I am one such 'child'. I've had the gift, and retained my childish love and wonder of life and the world. I've never been trained to use it, and to speak up and try to find a person to teach me in such a dangerous world, would land me in immense trouble... And so I do nothing... But I relish in being blessed enough to see my angels, and to be able to 'see' and sense the other angels, like A's little boy.
Today I woke after seeing my adopted family, some of whom I havent seen in years... It was nice, but also awkward... You see, I havent forgotten the slight my adopted mother did to me and Matt... When I lost Chris, I told her a few days later. When I was called by the Dr. that had attended me, he told me that Chris had a two vessel cord, when he should have had one with three vessels... I googled it and learned that it was called SUA, or Single Umbilical Artery, and that it was most often associated with a trisomy, which is when you have three copies of a gene.
Fortunately for Chris, he didnt have any congenital defects... He was perfectly formed. I'll never know his genetics, as the Dr. didnt get to him in time to get a sample of the placenta for testing.
Being pregnant with my rainbow, and being around them, makes me awkward because my adopted mom said I'd made Chris up to keep Matt with me... The same thing she said about Jade and Joe... I do not have that kind of conniving ability... And it doesnt make sense either... How would losing a kid make the guy want to stay? If anything that means he no longer has an obligation to me... And saying you're pregnant isnt going to keep a person with you anyway. Lots of guys have walked out on women when they've announced that they're pregnant...
But now I'm expected to act like everything's ok when it's not. I'm expected to let her throw me a baby shower, and let her buy things for Isaac, and let her hold him, and play nice. I dont blame Matt for not wanting anything to do with her, but what happens when Isaac is born and he's old enough to comprehend what we do? What then when he sees Matt is still holding his grudge for what she did to Chris? I dont want him to grow up in the very thing I despise...
And yet... What can I really do, when I feel he is justified and would love nothing more than to tell Celia to fuck off.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
June 21st, 2014: Two months until my birthday... And until I'm 29+1
Two months until my birthday... Two months until I'm 29 weeks and 1 day pregnant with my rainbow Isaac...
As I think about this I realize it's going to be awkward as all hell... I'll have to deal with three things... One, attention because it's my birthday, and that's iffy since I live on my own; Even more attention because I'm pregnant again with my third child, yet another boy... ; And then there's the matter of his big brother Christopher...
On my birthday I began spotting when I was pregnant with my son's big brother Christopher... That day I heard Chris's heartbeat... The most wonderful sound I'd ever heard...
And as you all know Chris has gone on to earn his wings...
So many emotions... It will be expected for me to act all giddy and happy that its not only my birthday, but that I'm pregnant with my son Isaac... But how can I just act like nothing ever happened... Too many people will have expected me to have 'gotten over it' which is the biggest bullshit you can say to someone who has lost a child...
I cant just 'get over it'. To do so would be to deny my own son... To deny BOTH of my children...
Two months until the memory of the beginning of the countdown... And in six days it will two months until a year has passed...
As I think about this I realize it's going to be awkward as all hell... I'll have to deal with three things... One, attention because it's my birthday, and that's iffy since I live on my own; Even more attention because I'm pregnant again with my third child, yet another boy... ; And then there's the matter of his big brother Christopher...
On my birthday I began spotting when I was pregnant with my son's big brother Christopher... That day I heard Chris's heartbeat... The most wonderful sound I'd ever heard...
And as you all know Chris has gone on to earn his wings...
So many emotions... It will be expected for me to act all giddy and happy that its not only my birthday, but that I'm pregnant with my son Isaac... But how can I just act like nothing ever happened... Too many people will have expected me to have 'gotten over it' which is the biggest bullshit you can say to someone who has lost a child...
I cant just 'get over it'. To do so would be to deny my own son... To deny BOTH of my children...
Two months until the memory of the beginning of the countdown... And in six days it will two months until a year has passed...
Friday, May 30, 2014
May 30th, 2014: It just might be starting to sink in...
So Matt and I went to Wal-Mart today... And Half Priced Books... And I got Bean his first book... I figured 'Why not?' I need to start talking to him anyway and this is definitely a good way to start, considering I feel awkward if I try to do it like I'm actually talking to someone...
But I think it's actually starting to sink in... I'm having another son... I'm talking baby stuff now... Cosleepers, books, clothes. Carseats... And I'm thinking 'Where am I gonna fit all this stuff?'
I cant help but think is this what would have happened if Chris was still here? I know he's watching us, and so is Jade.
I look at the pictures of two of my three boys... Chris and Bean... I have no pics of Jade. I lost him at around 6w. I never had that first ultrasound or anything... I look at Chris and Bean and I smile... I was blessed with a second chance... Chris is a big brother, something I never thought was going to happen... But Bean is here, and is still going strong.
My heart swells with pride when I see Bean's pics. He looks so much like Chris... So long and lanky. This is Bean... But I can't help but see Chris in him. And I'm not sad... I'm so proud of my sons. All three of them...
Its sinking in... I have three boys... And this third one is the one I get to take home. I have the best group of Dr's I could hope for... Third time really is a charm.
<3 <3
But I think it's actually starting to sink in... I'm having another son... I'm talking baby stuff now... Cosleepers, books, clothes. Carseats... And I'm thinking 'Where am I gonna fit all this stuff?'
I cant help but think is this what would have happened if Chris was still here? I know he's watching us, and so is Jade.
I look at the pictures of two of my three boys... Chris and Bean... I have no pics of Jade. I lost him at around 6w. I never had that first ultrasound or anything... I look at Chris and Bean and I smile... I was blessed with a second chance... Chris is a big brother, something I never thought was going to happen... But Bean is here, and is still going strong.
My heart swells with pride when I see Bean's pics. He looks so much like Chris... So long and lanky. This is Bean... But I can't help but see Chris in him. And I'm not sad... I'm so proud of my sons. All three of them...
Its sinking in... I have three boys... And this third one is the one I get to take home. I have the best group of Dr's I could hope for... Third time really is a charm.
<3 <3
Thursday, May 29, 2014
May 29th, 2014: Relief and looking toward a bright future
I pregnant... I've had so many scares and worries during this pregnancy that I'm surprised I haven't lost my mind... But I was close... Oh so close...
You see, Before Bean, there was Chris... And my body failed him... And now I know why...
I have eczema... And it flares when my body produces progesterone... Too much inflammation and immune response is enough to tax a 16w baby growing within the womb... Without progesterone, there's no pregnancy... Without progesterone, your baby can't survive...
And so Chris never got to breathe his first breathe... I never got to change his diapers... Never got to see his first smile... But he gave me the answers I sought.
And now Bean is here... When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified... It wasn't the first trimester I was worried about, it was the second... The second trimester is when I lost my son Christopher... When I spoke to my Dr. about my fear and told her of how I lost Chris, I got a bit of insight I didn't expect... 'It doesn't sound like it happened because of an incompetent cervix. Its sounds more like preterm labor.'
Looking back now... She's absolutely right... And what's worse, I'll always have to have the progesterone shots if I want my children to make it... My body destroys the very hormone my child needs to be able to grow enough to make it on the outside world...
Progesterone shots... A literal pain in the ass... A shot of thick liquid that can burn like hell once it's all in... My child's lifeline to viability... So many emotions... Relief, guilt, pride in modern medicine, more guilt... The weekly hassle of going to the Doc for a life sustaining shot for my child... The hell we go through to fulfill a dream... It's worth it of course, but I'm just stunned...
I'm actually gonna be able to take this baby home this time...
'It sounds more like preterm labor.' She's so right... Every time it gets close to time for a new shot I feel the cramps... The contractions... Just like the ones I had with Chris for two full weeks before I gave birth to his tiny body... It scares me because what if I didn't have these doctors? My son would be just like his brother... A simple shot is all that's keeping him alive... A simple shot is the only thing keeping my body from failing yet another child...
So today, most of my worries have been relieved... I had another cervix scan... My child is a boy, my Subchorionic Bleed is completely resolved and my Partial Placenta Previa is also completely resolved... My only worry now, is keeping my cervix longer than 2.5 in... And I'm in the danger zone. At a length of 3 in, we're in danger... The few days of random contractions I had seemed to have done their damage... I went from nearly 5 in. to 3 in. in two short weeks... And yet, I no longer worry... The anxiety is completely lifted... For the first time since this pregnancy started I'm starting to feel hope... I'm starting to feel like it's ok to be happy and hopeful... I'm starting to feel that I'll actually be able, finally, to raise a child like I had dreamed of doing for so long...
I have yet another son... And that's ok... I wouldn't have the slightest idea of how to raise a girl... I'm too much of a tomboy. ^_^
Relief... I'm floating. I'm not sure if I'm actually excited yet... But I'm certainly happy.
You see, Before Bean, there was Chris... And my body failed him... And now I know why...
I have eczema... And it flares when my body produces progesterone... Too much inflammation and immune response is enough to tax a 16w baby growing within the womb... Without progesterone, there's no pregnancy... Without progesterone, your baby can't survive...
And so Chris never got to breathe his first breathe... I never got to change his diapers... Never got to see his first smile... But he gave me the answers I sought.
And now Bean is here... When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified... It wasn't the first trimester I was worried about, it was the second... The second trimester is when I lost my son Christopher... When I spoke to my Dr. about my fear and told her of how I lost Chris, I got a bit of insight I didn't expect... 'It doesn't sound like it happened because of an incompetent cervix. Its sounds more like preterm labor.'
Looking back now... She's absolutely right... And what's worse, I'll always have to have the progesterone shots if I want my children to make it... My body destroys the very hormone my child needs to be able to grow enough to make it on the outside world...
Progesterone shots... A literal pain in the ass... A shot of thick liquid that can burn like hell once it's all in... My child's lifeline to viability... So many emotions... Relief, guilt, pride in modern medicine, more guilt... The weekly hassle of going to the Doc for a life sustaining shot for my child... The hell we go through to fulfill a dream... It's worth it of course, but I'm just stunned...
I'm actually gonna be able to take this baby home this time...
'It sounds more like preterm labor.' She's so right... Every time it gets close to time for a new shot I feel the cramps... The contractions... Just like the ones I had with Chris for two full weeks before I gave birth to his tiny body... It scares me because what if I didn't have these doctors? My son would be just like his brother... A simple shot is all that's keeping him alive... A simple shot is the only thing keeping my body from failing yet another child...
So today, most of my worries have been relieved... I had another cervix scan... My child is a boy, my Subchorionic Bleed is completely resolved and my Partial Placenta Previa is also completely resolved... My only worry now, is keeping my cervix longer than 2.5 in... And I'm in the danger zone. At a length of 3 in, we're in danger... The few days of random contractions I had seemed to have done their damage... I went from nearly 5 in. to 3 in. in two short weeks... And yet, I no longer worry... The anxiety is completely lifted... For the first time since this pregnancy started I'm starting to feel hope... I'm starting to feel like it's ok to be happy and hopeful... I'm starting to feel that I'll actually be able, finally, to raise a child like I had dreamed of doing for so long...
I have yet another son... And that's ok... I wouldn't have the slightest idea of how to raise a girl... I'm too much of a tomboy. ^_^
Relief... I'm floating. I'm not sure if I'm actually excited yet... But I'm certainly happy.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
May 25th, 2014: I'm almost 17 weeks pregnant... And I'm still nervous as hell.
Why is it I'm almost 17w preggo and I'm still nervous as hell... Since the one solid thump Bean gave me on the 21st, I've felt no more movement... Not like that anyway... I barely feel Bean move at all... And while it's normal, I'm still nervous...
I felt Chris moving all the time at around 14 or 15w. I know I don't feel Bean because I'm much heavier this time... I was around 136 when Chris passed, and I was 144 at my first weigh in at the OB's office. But knowing why doenst make me feel any less uneasy...
But shouldn't I feel happy? I mean, I'm almost 17w. My Bean is still inside of me... But I'm not so much happy as I am nervous. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad Bean is still in there, but I kinda feel bad because i lost Chris at 16w... Chris shoulda made it here... But at the same time, if he had, I wouldn't be pregnant with my Rainbow... Yet another double edged sword ya know?
I'm finding that while I cant yet type Chris's last days with me and Matt, I can do this... I can type what I'm feeling and thinking about all of this...
I constantly worry... And while I think I'm starting to be less anxious about not getting past 16w, I'm still anxious... Because I know I'll never be out of the woods... SIDS and numerous other things could take my baby at any time... I'll never be blissfully unaware again... That was taken when Chris died... Its both a blessing and a curse...
I'm almost 17w... But I'll never be out of the woods... This is one challenge I'm NOT fond of... But at the same time, if I can do this, I'll prove to the world, and to myself that nothing will hold me back from my dreams...
But a kid? A tiny needy greedy person? Something foreign that I bear? Can I really do it... Was I being irresponsible by having one so soon? I mean, Matt and I are barely stable... Neither of us have a college education... He's old fashioned enough to not mind that I dont have a job, and all I bring in is food stamps...
And yet... I want to raise this kid more than ever... I want to raise this tiny life that grows within my womb, something that I helped create and nurture... I want to see and experience all the things I as never able to with Chris or Jade. The smiles, the tantrums, the hugs, the tears... Everything...
I'm almost 17w... And everything is starting to sink in...
Boy I'm in trouble. :D
I felt Chris moving all the time at around 14 or 15w. I know I don't feel Bean because I'm much heavier this time... I was around 136 when Chris passed, and I was 144 at my first weigh in at the OB's office. But knowing why doenst make me feel any less uneasy...
But shouldn't I feel happy? I mean, I'm almost 17w. My Bean is still inside of me... But I'm not so much happy as I am nervous. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad Bean is still in there, but I kinda feel bad because i lost Chris at 16w... Chris shoulda made it here... But at the same time, if he had, I wouldn't be pregnant with my Rainbow... Yet another double edged sword ya know?
I'm finding that while I cant yet type Chris's last days with me and Matt, I can do this... I can type what I'm feeling and thinking about all of this...
I constantly worry... And while I think I'm starting to be less anxious about not getting past 16w, I'm still anxious... Because I know I'll never be out of the woods... SIDS and numerous other things could take my baby at any time... I'll never be blissfully unaware again... That was taken when Chris died... Its both a blessing and a curse...
I'm almost 17w... But I'll never be out of the woods... This is one challenge I'm NOT fond of... But at the same time, if I can do this, I'll prove to the world, and to myself that nothing will hold me back from my dreams...
But a kid? A tiny needy greedy person? Something foreign that I bear? Can I really do it... Was I being irresponsible by having one so soon? I mean, Matt and I are barely stable... Neither of us have a college education... He's old fashioned enough to not mind that I dont have a job, and all I bring in is food stamps...
And yet... I want to raise this kid more than ever... I want to raise this tiny life that grows within my womb, something that I helped create and nurture... I want to see and experience all the things I as never able to with Chris or Jade. The smiles, the tantrums, the hugs, the tears... Everything...
I'm almost 17w... And everything is starting to sink in...
Boy I'm in trouble. :D
Saturday, May 24, 2014
May 24th, 2014: An Unnerving Revelation
Yesterday I started to try to write about my birthday... The day I knew I was losing my son... And I realized- I cant do it... I cant type the words, the feelings...
I dont cry for him now... I still miss him like hell, but I don't cry myself to sleep anymore... I can look at his pic that I have framed and smile... A bittersweet smile, but a smile nonetheless... I look at Matt and I see parts of Chris... Chris had his daddy's wrists and hands... He was so lanky for a fetus that only measured in at 15.5w... He was 6in from head to foot... But he had my nose and jaw structure... My lips and muscle tone...
If I can do all of this and not bawl my eyes out, why cant I type my feelings down... I lived through the grief once already and came out on top, so what's stopping me...
Well, it turns out I'm not as 'at peace' as I thought I was... I don't know what to do really... I don't need all the extra anxiety and fear... But I realized something else too... I come to this board quite often... I may be able to smile at the thought of Chris but I'm not as healed as I thought I was...
A sobering revelation isn't it... It's also an unnerving one...
Why did I decide to do this... Wasn't I tortured enough when he died... And now I'm sitting here wanting to cry again...
I think I'm going to go for a walk... It sucks that I have no one close by to talk about this with...
I dont cry for him now... I still miss him like hell, but I don't cry myself to sleep anymore... I can look at his pic that I have framed and smile... A bittersweet smile, but a smile nonetheless... I look at Matt and I see parts of Chris... Chris had his daddy's wrists and hands... He was so lanky for a fetus that only measured in at 15.5w... He was 6in from head to foot... But he had my nose and jaw structure... My lips and muscle tone...
If I can do all of this and not bawl my eyes out, why cant I type my feelings down... I lived through the grief once already and came out on top, so what's stopping me...
Well, it turns out I'm not as 'at peace' as I thought I was... I don't know what to do really... I don't need all the extra anxiety and fear... But I realized something else too... I come to this board quite often... I may be able to smile at the thought of Chris but I'm not as healed as I thought I was...
A sobering revelation isn't it... It's also an unnerving one...
Why did I decide to do this... Wasn't I tortured enough when he died... And now I'm sitting here wanting to cry again...
I think I'm going to go for a walk... It sucks that I have no one close by to talk about this with...
Friday, May 23, 2014
August 12th, 2013: The end of scrambling, the beginning of the end
So months of scrambling around and getting nowhere I go to get yet another pregnancy test... I found out then that my Medicaid was still active, and had never been turned off like I'd been told it would...
I was livid... Months of waiting and worrying and jumping through hoops and my medicaid was still active?! 'You HAVE GOT to be kidding me right? I'm almost 4 months pregnant and NOW they tell me that my damn medicaid is still on?!
I spent weeks and months of trying to get medicaid or Wishard Advantage or some type of assistance to help me make sure my child was ok to no avail, and then I find this out...
By that time it was already too late... But I didn't know it yet. I got my pregnancy confirmed by Wishard and was given my due date. February 14th, 2014, me and Matt's one year anniversary... Our baby would be due on our anniversary. I was excited but nervous for some reason... I constantly expressed my worry and fear to Matt, who reassured me everything was fine, and that so was our child...
And I believed him. I believed Matt... He had no reason to lie... And so far Christopher was doing just fine... But of course, I didn't have any clue that Christopher was even Christopher yet... It wasn't yet time to know... It wasn't yet time for him to go...
I was livid... Months of waiting and worrying and jumping through hoops and my medicaid was still active?! 'You HAVE GOT to be kidding me right? I'm almost 4 months pregnant and NOW they tell me that my damn medicaid is still on?!
I spent weeks and months of trying to get medicaid or Wishard Advantage or some type of assistance to help me make sure my child was ok to no avail, and then I find this out...
By that time it was already too late... But I didn't know it yet. I got my pregnancy confirmed by Wishard and was given my due date. February 14th, 2014, me and Matt's one year anniversary... Our baby would be due on our anniversary. I was excited but nervous for some reason... I constantly expressed my worry and fear to Matt, who reassured me everything was fine, and that so was our child...
And I believed him. I believed Matt... He had no reason to lie... And so far Christopher was doing just fine... But of course, I didn't have any clue that Christopher was even Christopher yet... It wasn't yet time to know... It wasn't yet time for him to go...
May 23rd 2014: A Simple Nightmare
Today I had another miscarriage dream...
I was with Matt and it of course was long and drawn out... And normal for most of the dream... I've apparently been playing way too much Kingdom Hearts 2 because The dream's set up was way to much like that... The only thing it didn't have was a gummy ship and the gummy routes...
We went places and did things and I was pregnant... Not too pregnant, but I was pregnant...
It wasn't until the end of the dream that it got bad... You see... I had a miscarriage... Not once but twice... But the second time floored me like never before... And it's this loss, the loss of my son Christopher, that makes this pregnancy with my rainbow even more filled with anxiety and worry, and of course, fear.
Chris was the one that I was excited to have... Excited to raise... And then... He died. My body failed him and his tiny little body was no more...
But's that's a story I'll get to later.
Matt and I had stopped at a place. I wasnt sure if this was our place, or just a stop along the way to wherever we were going... But it was a stop nonetheless. I had to use the bathroom... So I went in to go pee and there was blood... I looked down and remembered I'd had a D&C... That I had failed my child yet again... And I woke up...
Such a simple dream... That can spark such terror into those who know my pain... Just the simple sight of blood... Can make you bolt... Can fill you with such dread and terror that you want to scream or go flying to your partner or the nearest trusted friend, curl up into a ball and just cry... Cry until you cant anymore, and then disappear... For if you disappear you can no longer feel the pain... You can no longer feel the fear and despair that grips you so tightly...
Such a simple dream... Turns out my biggest fear... Is fear itself... And also the fear of failing at something my body is supposed to be made to do...
I was with Matt and it of course was long and drawn out... And normal for most of the dream... I've apparently been playing way too much Kingdom Hearts 2 because The dream's set up was way to much like that... The only thing it didn't have was a gummy ship and the gummy routes...
We went places and did things and I was pregnant... Not too pregnant, but I was pregnant...
It wasn't until the end of the dream that it got bad... You see... I had a miscarriage... Not once but twice... But the second time floored me like never before... And it's this loss, the loss of my son Christopher, that makes this pregnancy with my rainbow even more filled with anxiety and worry, and of course, fear.
Chris was the one that I was excited to have... Excited to raise... And then... He died. My body failed him and his tiny little body was no more...
But's that's a story I'll get to later.
Matt and I had stopped at a place. I wasnt sure if this was our place, or just a stop along the way to wherever we were going... But it was a stop nonetheless. I had to use the bathroom... So I went in to go pee and there was blood... I looked down and remembered I'd had a D&C... That I had failed my child yet again... And I woke up...
Such a simple dream... That can spark such terror into those who know my pain... Just the simple sight of blood... Can make you bolt... Can fill you with such dread and terror that you want to scream or go flying to your partner or the nearest trusted friend, curl up into a ball and just cry... Cry until you cant anymore, and then disappear... For if you disappear you can no longer feel the pain... You can no longer feel the fear and despair that grips you so tightly...
Such a simple dream... Turns out my biggest fear... Is fear itself... And also the fear of failing at something my body is supposed to be made to do...
Thursday, May 22, 2014
June 29th 2013: It's confirmed... I'm pregnant.
I went to a Planned Parenthood center and asked for a pregnancy test...And it was confirmed. I'm pregnant... I honestly didn't know what to think.. What to do... How I should go about doing things now that I was pregnant... I just knew I needed care... I was told previously that my Medicaid was going to be turned off when I turned 21... So I stopped going to my doc, the chiropractor, even the dentist...
The thing I hate the most is getting nowhere... Time and time again it happens... And it pisses me off to no end.
After all the heartache I had at the thought of never having kids, the guilt I felt at being ok with Jade's passing... I finally became ok with the thought that I may never have children of my own... That I may never get married... Then I date a man I thought I'd never be able to date. And then I get pregnant by this man... I was scared but also over the moon... I was finally having a kid... I was with a man I never thought I'd have and we were going to have a family...
The thing I hate the most is getting nowhere... Time and time again it happens... And it pisses me off to no end.
After all the heartache I had at the thought of never having kids, the guilt I felt at being ok with Jade's passing... I finally became ok with the thought that I may never have children of my own... That I may never get married... Then I date a man I thought I'd never be able to date. And then I get pregnant by this man... I was scared but also over the moon... I was finally having a kid... I was with a man I never thought I'd have and we were going to have a family...
June 23rd 2013: The beginning of my bittersweet memories.
I found out I was pregnant that day... I was two weeks late for my period... I saw the stick say 'Pregnant'... I was floored... After all the times on never being able to get a stick to turn I finally turned one... There was no guessing this time... Matt and I were gonna be parents... Or so I thought... Little did I know, this was the beginning of my bittersweet memories...
It is now May 22nd, 2014, and I am pregnant. I shouldn't be pregnant right now... Why? I was pregnant... Due on Valentine's Day of this year... The day of me and Matt's first year anniversary... But my baby, our baby isnt here... He joined his big brother Jade up in heaven... And our second child, my third, nicknamed Lil' Bean now grown within my womb...
This blog isnt for the faint of heart. I don't need your scorn, your pity, your scathing comments. I need your compassion, your warmth, your empathy. I need your acknowledgement of my sons and a possible Chemical Pregnancy...
Losing a child is one of the hardest things you can ever experience... Whether this child is concieved naturally, or assisted (IUI, IVF, ICSI etc...), or because you felt you had to terminate for medical reasons, or an adoption didn't go through... It all hurts like hell... To find out those dreams and hopes suddenly disappear as soon as they came is hard to deal with...
I'm going back into my past, and reliving it, getting it down, in the hopes that I can be a better parent for Bean, and make my angels proud in the process.
It is now May 22nd, 2014, and I am pregnant. I shouldn't be pregnant right now... Why? I was pregnant... Due on Valentine's Day of this year... The day of me and Matt's first year anniversary... But my baby, our baby isnt here... He joined his big brother Jade up in heaven... And our second child, my third, nicknamed Lil' Bean now grown within my womb...
This blog isnt for the faint of heart. I don't need your scorn, your pity, your scathing comments. I need your compassion, your warmth, your empathy. I need your acknowledgement of my sons and a possible Chemical Pregnancy...
Losing a child is one of the hardest things you can ever experience... Whether this child is concieved naturally, or assisted (IUI, IVF, ICSI etc...), or because you felt you had to terminate for medical reasons, or an adoption didn't go through... It all hurts like hell... To find out those dreams and hopes suddenly disappear as soon as they came is hard to deal with...
I'm going back into my past, and reliving it, getting it down, in the hopes that I can be a better parent for Bean, and make my angels proud in the process.
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