A year ago today... My full story

A year ago today my tiny perfect son Christopher Lee Justice was born. I had him in my bathroom at 1:10 am. He was 6in long and weighed 1.6oz.

A year ago today I was pregnant... Just like I am now, but the outcome was that instead of a take home baby, I got an angel instead...

I woke up to random spotting on my birthday last year... I'd discovered June of 2013 that I was pregnant and spent months getting the run around on getting pregnancy medicaid... I didnt find out until two weeks before all this went down that my medicaid never got turned off like I thought it did...

I got an OB consulation thingy set up for this day last year... I was blissful.. Feeling guilty at being 'ok' that Jade didnt make it I resolved to give this baby enough love for him and his big brother... But on my birthday everything changed.

I found myself in the er, worried that I was losing him... Matt (my SO) was exhausted from work the previous night... and I got checked by the people at Wishard... They said everything looked fine, and I remember them asking if I'd heard the heartbeat yet... I said no and they went and got a doppler... I heard my son's heartbeat at 167 bpm... So strong and so fast... I remember them giving me a pelvic exam and asking when my LMP was and being shocked when I told them it was May 7th... They kept acting like it was weird and whenever I'd ask why they were so surprised they never answered... I still remember the smile Matt had when he heard Chris's heartbeat... I'll never forget that look... The love and happiness in his eyes...

I would continue to spot on and off until the 26th, when I'd lose my mucus plug... I was at my housemate's mom's house for a pathfinder game and when I went to pee I noticed it... Again we went to the hospital, only to be told everything was fine. By that time my back was killing me... I never once realized that the 'growing pains' that I was having were in fact contractions... I'd been having them for two weeks now... They again seemed so surprised that my LMP was May 7th, and now I was beginning to get worried and frustrated... I knew the end was near but I was denid a cerclage, being told I didnt fit the guidelines... That you're not allowed a cerclage when you're having contractions... And yet they did nothing to stop them... They kept repeating that there was nothing they could do...

They sent me home and at around 9:30-9:45 my water broke... Luckily I was wearing a pad but I thought I'd peed myself. My back pain had reached an all time high so I took a shower with my SO and took a muscle relaxer and went to bed as he went to work...

I woke up to pee at around 1am and went to pee... I thought I had to suddenly poop so I pushed... And Chris's tiny feet and part of his cord popped out... I was in shock... I couldnt believe it was happening again... But gravity was working against me and he kept coming... All I could do was hold his tiny body as it slipped out of mine and make sure it didnt fall in the toilet... My son was born at 1:10 without ever taking a breath... I was definitely in shock... I asked Jake (a former housemate) to grab Matt's old phone and I called 911 saying I'd just miscarried... But Jake had no idea I was even pregnant...

They got here fairly quick. When they saw me holding Chris's tiny body the first words out of the first guy that entered was "I'm so sorry". As they were wheeling me out the door I told Jake to call Matt... I'd given him my phone that night... Jake told him to meet me at wishard and when he handed me the phone Matt's first sentence was "Did you miscarry?" I said yes and he said he was on his way.

He met us there and when he walked in there were tears in his eyes and a sadness I never want to see again on his face... He cried the tears that wouldnt come for me just yet... The people there kept asking if I was ok and I kept saying I'm in shock right now, the tears will come later... Mat tried to hold it together but he he was having trouble... The staff were nice and treated my child like a child... I was allowed to keep him with me. I hadnt delivered the placenta and they said it was best not to go home until I did...

I didnt want surgery so I opted for meds to help... But they didnt work... I spent 12 hrs trying to deliver Chris's placenta and had passed some really large clots... I ended up needing an emergency D&C to remove the placenta... I nearly needed a blood trasfusion and they filled me with three litres of fluid before they operated. When they said they had to do one I was soo afraid of being put to sleep... All I remember is thinking what would happen to Matt... I begged god not to let me fall asleep... Because of I did I knew I wouldnt wake up... And I couldnt do that to Matt...

I begged them not to put me to sleep, and thonkfully they listened... They gave me some sort of med that they put into my spine... I wouldnt feel any pain but I'd feel pressure...

I remember they strapped me down for some reason... Hot from the morphine and itchy form the med they shot into my spine I started to dose... And each time I started slipping something started to itch really badly and I'd be jolted back into wakefullness...

The operation was quick and successful... And I'd made it through to come ack to my tiny child and the man that will one day be my husband... I was inobservation for an hour and kept overnight, and discharged the 28th of last year...

Since then the road had been long and hard... I was numb for a long long time... But Matt has been my rock, my constant support when everything fell to shreds around me... Even though I wanted him tested they dipped him in that formeldahyde solution thingy too quickly...

I'll never truely know whether he was a trisomy baby or if he was just a normal baby with an isolated instance of a single umbilical artery... I'll never truely know if it was that or if it was solely my body's immune system destroying his lifeline...

But even though each and every day I miss him terribly, and ache for something his weight to hold once more, I'm grateful to have had the little bit of time that I did have...

August 18, 2014: Honoring Angels and the Angel Wishing Tree

So on BabyCenter I created a thread... And in it I offered to make bracelets to honor lost babies...

You see, I'd been tormented by the fact I didn't know what to do to give back to the awesome people that had helped me cope with the loss of Christopher...

A dear friend of mine that I met on BBC (Babycenter) who wishes to remain anonymous has this amazing tree. She had started it as a wishing tree for her living daughter and then decided to include all of us moms (and possibly dads too) of angel babies...
She got a whole bunch of different color ribbons and made little leaf-like papers and wrote our babies names/nicknames on them and hung them on the tree... That selfless act not only floored me but made me wish ever so much harder for a way to repay her kindness...

I get to see all three of my babies in one spot here on earth... I may never get to hold them but to finally see them down here with me is the best feeling that only one who has gone through it will understand...

And so I thought and thought... Meanwhile a quilt was being made, a thread was made for dates that were significant to us, and then there's a thread to show off our photos or just tell our stories...

And finally, it was my turn... I crochet and one day I had the urge to look up how to make angel wings... And the rest fell into place.

I wasn't sure how much of a hit it would be, but it is definitely a hit, and I'm so honored and happy to finally be doing something to the many awesome people that helped me through my loss. I can never say the right words to say how much they and their angels have touched my life, but I'm hoping my bracelets will get it across.