God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference...
I can't change the fact that 3 of my precious babies are gone... But God, just give me peace... I dont need all these roiling emotions right now as I am so close to delivering my rainbow... I'm already overwhelmed from all the back pain...
I'm already out in the open... You took my hiding spot away from me long ago... You made it clear long ago that I have things to do on this blasted planet... You gave me an amazing husband that keeps me anchored here in this world, instead of joining my babies...
I cant take all of this right now... I cant take the back pain, the swollen ankles, the barely being able to move, the insensitive comments from my mom, and the pain from losing my children, the pain from not being able to hold Chris's body and feel his warmth... To see him smile...
Why? Why me? Why so many times?
Please just let Isaac come already. I cant take anymore pain and I need him in my arms crying and breathing... I need him out so I can see him smile and walk and hear him laugh and coo... I need relief from the physical pain...
I need serenity in a place where I can hide...
Monday, October 27, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
October 27th, 2014: A Year and Two months exactly and More Bullshit
Ironically I didnt even realize the date today until I just looked at the date... Chris is 14 months old today... His adjusted age is a little over 8mos old...
God I miss him so much... Lately I've been sleeping with his Molly Bear because I've been so- moody? Anyway, sleeping with his bear brings me comfort and today was a really good day until I talked to my mom... I should have known by now she's... just difficult to communicate with... And whenever I mention Chris she says the most ridiculous things...
She had me sobbing tonight... And even now as I think about it I'm starting to get really really depressed... Poor Matt... But I have an awesome future husband and I feel really blessed to have him and his support...
Conversation goes like this...
Mom: Don't be down. I know it's rough when it seems know one believes you. But I do honey.He's your first just remember he is your first. It's all new to you.
Me: He's my first full term. He's not my first.
And I'm not trying to be rude so sorry if it sounded like that
Mom: Ok please don't be snappy. I will talk to you sometime. You know what I meant. Most people try not to linger over sad situations. This is a very happy, joyous occasion. We will talk maybe talk tomorrow.
Me: I'm not trying to be snappy. And I'm not lingering.
I just dont think its fair that they are not acknowledged because they didnt come home with me.
Its like saying Aunt Carrie didnt exist and make a difference because she's gone now.
Mom: Ok good night. I very had a still birth and a miscarriage. So I feel you
Just don't think that I need to go their with you. People that didn't know you were pregnant or could see you that you were pregnant don't feel like you. Nikki had a few miscarriages before she got pregnant with mymy. As far as Aunt Carrie. How can you you compare. It's not the same. Aunt Carrie lived 97 years out of the womb produced 4 children and had 2 still births. Not the same. talk later.
Me: Fine. Ttyl
God I miss him so much... Lately I've been sleeping with his Molly Bear because I've been so- moody? Anyway, sleeping with his bear brings me comfort and today was a really good day until I talked to my mom... I should have known by now she's... just difficult to communicate with... And whenever I mention Chris she says the most ridiculous things...
She had me sobbing tonight... And even now as I think about it I'm starting to get really really depressed... Poor Matt... But I have an awesome future husband and I feel really blessed to have him and his support...
Conversation goes like this...
Mom: Don't be down. I know it's rough when it seems know one believes you. But I do honey.He's your first just remember he is your first. It's all new to you.
Me: He's my first full term. He's not my first.
And I'm not trying to be rude so sorry if it sounded like that
Mom: Ok please don't be snappy. I will talk to you sometime. You know what I meant. Most people try not to linger over sad situations. This is a very happy, joyous occasion. We will talk maybe talk tomorrow.
Me: I'm not trying to be snappy. And I'm not lingering.
I just dont think its fair that they are not acknowledged because they didnt come home with me.
Its like saying Aunt Carrie didnt exist and make a difference because she's gone now.
Mom: Ok good night. I very had a still birth and a miscarriage. So I feel you
Just don't think that I need to go their with you. People that didn't know you were pregnant or could see you that you were pregnant don't feel like you. Nikki had a few miscarriages before she got pregnant with mymy. As far as Aunt Carrie. How can you you compare. It's not the same. Aunt Carrie lived 97 years out of the womb produced 4 children and had 2 still births. Not the same. talk later.
Me: Fine. Ttyl
What the fuck? Seriously? Not the same. So Jade, Chris, and Serenity dont matter because they didnt live for 97 fucking years like my Aunt Carrie? And this is someone who claims to have had both a stillbirth and a miscarriage.
SERIOUSLY? Needless to say I went to my room sobbing... To my own mother, my babies shouldn't be mentioned because they didnt come home with me... They shouldnt be mentioned because they didnt get to have any firsts like my Aunt Carrie. I'm not allowed to talk about my children because they are dead... And my wonderful husband... He went into our room and held me while I sobbed into his shoulder... At first I couldn't even find the words to try to explain what had even happened... I just cried... And I still feel like bawling my eyes out...
I have to act like Isaac is my first child because that what people see... They cant see Jade, Chris, and Serenity, so they dont exist... And that's total bullshit...
I'm gonna go to bed before I start bawling again...
Thursday, October 23, 2014
October 23rd, 2014: Making a difference and looking toward the future
I've always been one of those people who want to make a change... To make a difference... And as I look down at my body, I realize just how far I've come...
You see, I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow... That's quite a change... Quite a difference... But I am still dealing with losses of my own... Losing two confirmed pregnancies and one suspected doesnt make things easy for me...
Looking toward the future I will always be reminded of the babies I lost... Jade... Christopher... Serenity... And in turn I will always be reminded of babies like Preston, Hunter, Connor and Benjamin... Silas, Joanna...
I wonder how many are lucky enough to have their rainbow... To have that monumental change in their life... How many can look to the future with smiles on their faces because they have a rainbow, and change, to look forward to...
Its funny how without people there would be no change... Without people there would be no life lessons learned, no little miracles called children... No one would experience things good or bad... Its people, whether you've had good experiences or bad, that make all the difference in the world...
My friend Cat wrote a blog post about survival... Oddly my life has been full of that... And unfortunately most of it hasnt been the positive type of survival... I once didnt see the point of looking toward the future, but because people were so derogatory I made up my mind to prove them wrong... Until my body started working against me...
When you meet me personally I seem... Aloof... My scarred past is easily visible and is often felt because I'm not social in the slightest... I DON'T like people... Much :D It takes a while of watching and observing before I'll interact with my surroundings, especially if those surroundings are people... Yet as I said its people that make a difference... Chris, Jade, Ben and Connor, Silas, Preston, Cat... Those beautiful souls have touched mine and made a difference. The support I get and have from Cat and so many others that are on the board that Cat and I frequent... I never in my life expected such understanding... Such love and acceptance... And from total strangers that I am now honored to call my friends and family...
Cat say's I've made a difference... Maybe I have... But the difference she and so many others have made in my life are the inspiration and driving force behind my desire to make a difference to the people who need it most. She honors her precious baby boy and spreads a bit of happiness and I want to help her.
Losing a child isnt easy... Losing more than one really fucking sucks (excuse the profanity). But those tiny people make an impact... Maybe not on everyone... But they certainly leave a mark.
You see, I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow... That's quite a change... Quite a difference... But I am still dealing with losses of my own... Losing two confirmed pregnancies and one suspected doesnt make things easy for me...
Looking toward the future I will always be reminded of the babies I lost... Jade... Christopher... Serenity... And in turn I will always be reminded of babies like Preston, Hunter, Connor and Benjamin... Silas, Joanna...
I wonder how many are lucky enough to have their rainbow... To have that monumental change in their life... How many can look to the future with smiles on their faces because they have a rainbow, and change, to look forward to...
Its funny how without people there would be no change... Without people there would be no life lessons learned, no little miracles called children... No one would experience things good or bad... Its people, whether you've had good experiences or bad, that make all the difference in the world...
My friend Cat wrote a blog post about survival... Oddly my life has been full of that... And unfortunately most of it hasnt been the positive type of survival... I once didnt see the point of looking toward the future, but because people were so derogatory I made up my mind to prove them wrong... Until my body started working against me...
When you meet me personally I seem... Aloof... My scarred past is easily visible and is often felt because I'm not social in the slightest... I DON'T like people... Much :D It takes a while of watching and observing before I'll interact with my surroundings, especially if those surroundings are people... Yet as I said its people that make a difference... Chris, Jade, Ben and Connor, Silas, Preston, Cat... Those beautiful souls have touched mine and made a difference. The support I get and have from Cat and so many others that are on the board that Cat and I frequent... I never in my life expected such understanding... Such love and acceptance... And from total strangers that I am now honored to call my friends and family...
Cat say's I've made a difference... Maybe I have... But the difference she and so many others have made in my life are the inspiration and driving force behind my desire to make a difference to the people who need it most. She honors her precious baby boy and spreads a bit of happiness and I want to help her.
Losing a child isnt easy... Losing more than one really fucking sucks (excuse the profanity). But those tiny people make an impact... Maybe not on everyone... But they certainly leave a mark.
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