June 23rd, 2014 An angel's birthday, Christopher, and Isaac

First I want to give a shout out to a little angel born this day... I shall not name him, as I do not have permission, but he and his mother, whom I shall simply refer to as A, have touched my lives in more ways than one...

My heart goes out to you A on your son's birthday. I wish you nothing but the best. I pray your day is filled with nothing but happiness and that your little boy can spend the day with you... Know that he is always in your heart and soul, and always wants you to hold your head high and smile.


Missing Christopher... My secondborn son... It hurts... I ended up sleeping with his bunny that I got at Wishard Hospital when I brought his tiny, still body to the hospital with me...
My son is with me, I can feel him... And I am blessed to be able to see him and Jade with my own eye from time to time... No, I did not misspell the word... I have long been told I have the 'gift'... What is the 'gift' you ask? The gift of sight... Being Psychic... We all have it... Some are told that having the 'gift' is 'of the devil', Some grow out of it, as one would do their clothes. Some block it out completely, some are raised knowing that their gift is meant to be used, and they train to use it to their advantage, and to the advantage of others. And then there are yet more who, have it but do not know how to train in that aspect, knowing that to speak about it means to be locked in an institution.

I am one such 'child'. I've had the gift, and retained my childish love and wonder of life and the world. I've never been trained to use it, and to speak up and try to find a person to teach me in such a dangerous world, would land me in immense trouble...  And so I do nothing... But I relish in being blessed enough to see my angels, and to be able to 'see' and sense the other angels, like A's little boy.

Today I woke after seeing my adopted family, some of whom I havent seen in years... It was nice, but also awkward... You see, I havent forgotten the slight my adopted mother did to me and Matt... When I lost Chris, I told her a few days later. When I was called by the Dr. that had attended me, he told me that Chris had a two vessel cord, when he should have had one with three vessels... I googled it and learned that it was called SUA, or Single Umbilical Artery, and that it was most often associated with a trisomy, which is when you have three copies of a gene.

Fortunately for Chris, he didnt have any congenital defects... He was perfectly formed. I'll never know his genetics, as the Dr. didnt get to him in time to get a sample of the placenta for testing.

Being pregnant with my  rainbow, and being around them, makes me awkward because my adopted mom said I'd made Chris up to keep Matt with me... The same thing she said about Jade and Joe... I do not have that kind of conniving ability... And it doesnt make sense either... How would losing a kid make the guy want to stay? If anything that means he no longer has an obligation to me... And saying you're pregnant isnt going to keep a person with you anyway. Lots of guys have walked out on women when they've announced that they're pregnant...

But now I'm expected to act like everything's ok when it's not. I'm expected to let her throw me a baby shower, and let her buy things for Isaac, and let her hold him, and play nice. I dont blame Matt for not wanting anything to do with her, but what happens when Isaac is born and he's old enough to comprehend what we do? What then when he sees Matt is still holding his grudge for what she did to Chris? I dont want him to grow up in the very thing I despise...

And yet... What can I really do, when I feel he is justified and would love nothing more than to tell Celia to fuck off.

June 21st, 2014: Two months until my birthday... And until I'm 29+1

Two months until my birthday... Two months until I'm 29 weeks and 1 day pregnant with my rainbow Isaac...

As I think about this I realize it's going to be awkward as all hell... I'll have to deal with three things... One, attention because it's my birthday, and that's iffy since I live on my own; Even more attention because I'm pregnant again with my third child, yet another boy... ; And then there's the matter of his big brother Christopher...

On my birthday I began spotting when I was pregnant with my son's big brother Christopher... That day I heard Chris's heartbeat... The most wonderful sound I'd ever heard...
And as you all know Chris has gone on to earn his wings...

So many emotions... It will be expected for me to act all giddy and happy that its not only my birthday, but that I'm pregnant with my son Isaac... But how can I just act like nothing ever happened... Too many people will have expected me to have 'gotten over it' which is the biggest bullshit you can say to someone who has lost a child...

I cant just 'get over it'. To do so would be to deny my own son... To deny BOTH of my children...

Two months until the memory of the beginning of the countdown... And in six days it will two months until a year has passed...