So Matt and I went to Wal-Mart today... And Half Priced Books... And I got Bean his first book... I figured 'Why not?' I need to start talking to him anyway and this is definitely a good way to start, considering I feel awkward if I try to do it like I'm actually talking to someone...
But I think it's actually starting to sink in... I'm having another son... I'm talking baby stuff now... Cosleepers, books, clothes. Carseats... And I'm thinking 'Where am I gonna fit all this stuff?'
I cant help but think is this what would have happened if Chris was still here? I know he's watching us, and so is Jade.
I look at the pictures of two of my three boys... Chris and Bean... I have no pics of Jade. I lost him at around 6w. I never had that first ultrasound or anything... I look at Chris and Bean and I smile... I was blessed with a second chance... Chris is a big brother, something I never thought was going to happen... But Bean is here, and is still going strong.
My heart swells with pride when I see Bean's pics. He looks so much like Chris... So long and lanky. This is Bean... But I can't help but see Chris in him. And I'm not sad... I'm so proud of my sons. All three of them...
Its sinking in... I have three boys... And this third one is the one I get to take home. I have the best group of Dr's I could hope for... Third time really is a charm.
<3 <3
Friday, May 30, 2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
May 29th, 2014: Relief and looking toward a bright future
I pregnant... I've had so many scares and worries during this pregnancy that I'm surprised I haven't lost my mind... But I was close... Oh so close...
You see, Before Bean, there was Chris... And my body failed him... And now I know why...
I have eczema... And it flares when my body produces progesterone... Too much inflammation and immune response is enough to tax a 16w baby growing within the womb... Without progesterone, there's no pregnancy... Without progesterone, your baby can't survive...
And so Chris never got to breathe his first breathe... I never got to change his diapers... Never got to see his first smile... But he gave me the answers I sought.
And now Bean is here... When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified... It wasn't the first trimester I was worried about, it was the second... The second trimester is when I lost my son Christopher... When I spoke to my Dr. about my fear and told her of how I lost Chris, I got a bit of insight I didn't expect... 'It doesn't sound like it happened because of an incompetent cervix. Its sounds more like preterm labor.'
Looking back now... She's absolutely right... And what's worse, I'll always have to have the progesterone shots if I want my children to make it... My body destroys the very hormone my child needs to be able to grow enough to make it on the outside world...
Progesterone shots... A literal pain in the ass... A shot of thick liquid that can burn like hell once it's all in... My child's lifeline to viability... So many emotions... Relief, guilt, pride in modern medicine, more guilt... The weekly hassle of going to the Doc for a life sustaining shot for my child... The hell we go through to fulfill a dream... It's worth it of course, but I'm just stunned...
I'm actually gonna be able to take this baby home this time...
'It sounds more like preterm labor.' She's so right... Every time it gets close to time for a new shot I feel the cramps... The contractions... Just like the ones I had with Chris for two full weeks before I gave birth to his tiny body... It scares me because what if I didn't have these doctors? My son would be just like his brother... A simple shot is all that's keeping him alive... A simple shot is the only thing keeping my body from failing yet another child...
So today, most of my worries have been relieved... I had another cervix scan... My child is a boy, my Subchorionic Bleed is completely resolved and my Partial Placenta Previa is also completely resolved... My only worry now, is keeping my cervix longer than 2.5 in... And I'm in the danger zone. At a length of 3 in, we're in danger... The few days of random contractions I had seemed to have done their damage... I went from nearly 5 in. to 3 in. in two short weeks... And yet, I no longer worry... The anxiety is completely lifted... For the first time since this pregnancy started I'm starting to feel hope... I'm starting to feel like it's ok to be happy and hopeful... I'm starting to feel that I'll actually be able, finally, to raise a child like I had dreamed of doing for so long...
I have yet another son... And that's ok... I wouldn't have the slightest idea of how to raise a girl... I'm too much of a tomboy. ^_^
Relief... I'm floating. I'm not sure if I'm actually excited yet... But I'm certainly happy.
You see, Before Bean, there was Chris... And my body failed him... And now I know why...
I have eczema... And it flares when my body produces progesterone... Too much inflammation and immune response is enough to tax a 16w baby growing within the womb... Without progesterone, there's no pregnancy... Without progesterone, your baby can't survive...
And so Chris never got to breathe his first breathe... I never got to change his diapers... Never got to see his first smile... But he gave me the answers I sought.
And now Bean is here... When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified... It wasn't the first trimester I was worried about, it was the second... The second trimester is when I lost my son Christopher... When I spoke to my Dr. about my fear and told her of how I lost Chris, I got a bit of insight I didn't expect... 'It doesn't sound like it happened because of an incompetent cervix. Its sounds more like preterm labor.'
Looking back now... She's absolutely right... And what's worse, I'll always have to have the progesterone shots if I want my children to make it... My body destroys the very hormone my child needs to be able to grow enough to make it on the outside world...
Progesterone shots... A literal pain in the ass... A shot of thick liquid that can burn like hell once it's all in... My child's lifeline to viability... So many emotions... Relief, guilt, pride in modern medicine, more guilt... The weekly hassle of going to the Doc for a life sustaining shot for my child... The hell we go through to fulfill a dream... It's worth it of course, but I'm just stunned...
I'm actually gonna be able to take this baby home this time...
'It sounds more like preterm labor.' She's so right... Every time it gets close to time for a new shot I feel the cramps... The contractions... Just like the ones I had with Chris for two full weeks before I gave birth to his tiny body... It scares me because what if I didn't have these doctors? My son would be just like his brother... A simple shot is all that's keeping him alive... A simple shot is the only thing keeping my body from failing yet another child...
So today, most of my worries have been relieved... I had another cervix scan... My child is a boy, my Subchorionic Bleed is completely resolved and my Partial Placenta Previa is also completely resolved... My only worry now, is keeping my cervix longer than 2.5 in... And I'm in the danger zone. At a length of 3 in, we're in danger... The few days of random contractions I had seemed to have done their damage... I went from nearly 5 in. to 3 in. in two short weeks... And yet, I no longer worry... The anxiety is completely lifted... For the first time since this pregnancy started I'm starting to feel hope... I'm starting to feel like it's ok to be happy and hopeful... I'm starting to feel that I'll actually be able, finally, to raise a child like I had dreamed of doing for so long...
I have yet another son... And that's ok... I wouldn't have the slightest idea of how to raise a girl... I'm too much of a tomboy. ^_^
Relief... I'm floating. I'm not sure if I'm actually excited yet... But I'm certainly happy.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
May 25th, 2014: I'm almost 17 weeks pregnant... And I'm still nervous as hell.
Why is it I'm almost 17w preggo and I'm still nervous as hell... Since the one solid thump Bean gave me on the 21st, I've felt no more movement... Not like that anyway... I barely feel Bean move at all... And while it's normal, I'm still nervous...
I felt Chris moving all the time at around 14 or 15w. I know I don't feel Bean because I'm much heavier this time... I was around 136 when Chris passed, and I was 144 at my first weigh in at the OB's office. But knowing why doenst make me feel any less uneasy...
But shouldn't I feel happy? I mean, I'm almost 17w. My Bean is still inside of me... But I'm not so much happy as I am nervous. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad Bean is still in there, but I kinda feel bad because i lost Chris at 16w... Chris shoulda made it here... But at the same time, if he had, I wouldn't be pregnant with my Rainbow... Yet another double edged sword ya know?
I'm finding that while I cant yet type Chris's last days with me and Matt, I can do this... I can type what I'm feeling and thinking about all of this...
I constantly worry... And while I think I'm starting to be less anxious about not getting past 16w, I'm still anxious... Because I know I'll never be out of the woods... SIDS and numerous other things could take my baby at any time... I'll never be blissfully unaware again... That was taken when Chris died... Its both a blessing and a curse...
I'm almost 17w... But I'll never be out of the woods... This is one challenge I'm NOT fond of... But at the same time, if I can do this, I'll prove to the world, and to myself that nothing will hold me back from my dreams...
But a kid? A tiny needy greedy person? Something foreign that I bear? Can I really do it... Was I being irresponsible by having one so soon? I mean, Matt and I are barely stable... Neither of us have a college education... He's old fashioned enough to not mind that I dont have a job, and all I bring in is food stamps...
And yet... I want to raise this kid more than ever... I want to raise this tiny life that grows within my womb, something that I helped create and nurture... I want to see and experience all the things I as never able to with Chris or Jade. The smiles, the tantrums, the hugs, the tears... Everything...
I'm almost 17w... And everything is starting to sink in...
Boy I'm in trouble. :D
I felt Chris moving all the time at around 14 or 15w. I know I don't feel Bean because I'm much heavier this time... I was around 136 when Chris passed, and I was 144 at my first weigh in at the OB's office. But knowing why doenst make me feel any less uneasy...
But shouldn't I feel happy? I mean, I'm almost 17w. My Bean is still inside of me... But I'm not so much happy as I am nervous. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad Bean is still in there, but I kinda feel bad because i lost Chris at 16w... Chris shoulda made it here... But at the same time, if he had, I wouldn't be pregnant with my Rainbow... Yet another double edged sword ya know?
I'm finding that while I cant yet type Chris's last days with me and Matt, I can do this... I can type what I'm feeling and thinking about all of this...
I constantly worry... And while I think I'm starting to be less anxious about not getting past 16w, I'm still anxious... Because I know I'll never be out of the woods... SIDS and numerous other things could take my baby at any time... I'll never be blissfully unaware again... That was taken when Chris died... Its both a blessing and a curse...
I'm almost 17w... But I'll never be out of the woods... This is one challenge I'm NOT fond of... But at the same time, if I can do this, I'll prove to the world, and to myself that nothing will hold me back from my dreams...
But a kid? A tiny needy greedy person? Something foreign that I bear? Can I really do it... Was I being irresponsible by having one so soon? I mean, Matt and I are barely stable... Neither of us have a college education... He's old fashioned enough to not mind that I dont have a job, and all I bring in is food stamps...
And yet... I want to raise this kid more than ever... I want to raise this tiny life that grows within my womb, something that I helped create and nurture... I want to see and experience all the things I as never able to with Chris or Jade. The smiles, the tantrums, the hugs, the tears... Everything...
I'm almost 17w... And everything is starting to sink in...
Boy I'm in trouble. :D
Saturday, May 24, 2014
May 24th, 2014: An Unnerving Revelation
Yesterday I started to try to write about my birthday... The day I knew I was losing my son... And I realized- I cant do it... I cant type the words, the feelings...
I dont cry for him now... I still miss him like hell, but I don't cry myself to sleep anymore... I can look at his pic that I have framed and smile... A bittersweet smile, but a smile nonetheless... I look at Matt and I see parts of Chris... Chris had his daddy's wrists and hands... He was so lanky for a fetus that only measured in at 15.5w... He was 6in from head to foot... But he had my nose and jaw structure... My lips and muscle tone...
If I can do all of this and not bawl my eyes out, why cant I type my feelings down... I lived through the grief once already and came out on top, so what's stopping me...
Well, it turns out I'm not as 'at peace' as I thought I was... I don't know what to do really... I don't need all the extra anxiety and fear... But I realized something else too... I come to this board quite often... I may be able to smile at the thought of Chris but I'm not as healed as I thought I was...
A sobering revelation isn't it... It's also an unnerving one...
Why did I decide to do this... Wasn't I tortured enough when he died... And now I'm sitting here wanting to cry again...
I think I'm going to go for a walk... It sucks that I have no one close by to talk about this with...
I dont cry for him now... I still miss him like hell, but I don't cry myself to sleep anymore... I can look at his pic that I have framed and smile... A bittersweet smile, but a smile nonetheless... I look at Matt and I see parts of Chris... Chris had his daddy's wrists and hands... He was so lanky for a fetus that only measured in at 15.5w... He was 6in from head to foot... But he had my nose and jaw structure... My lips and muscle tone...
If I can do all of this and not bawl my eyes out, why cant I type my feelings down... I lived through the grief once already and came out on top, so what's stopping me...
Well, it turns out I'm not as 'at peace' as I thought I was... I don't know what to do really... I don't need all the extra anxiety and fear... But I realized something else too... I come to this board quite often... I may be able to smile at the thought of Chris but I'm not as healed as I thought I was...
A sobering revelation isn't it... It's also an unnerving one...
Why did I decide to do this... Wasn't I tortured enough when he died... And now I'm sitting here wanting to cry again...
I think I'm going to go for a walk... It sucks that I have no one close by to talk about this with...
Friday, May 23, 2014
August 12th, 2013: The end of scrambling, the beginning of the end
So months of scrambling around and getting nowhere I go to get yet another pregnancy test... I found out then that my Medicaid was still active, and had never been turned off like I'd been told it would...
I was livid... Months of waiting and worrying and jumping through hoops and my medicaid was still active?! 'You HAVE GOT to be kidding me right? I'm almost 4 months pregnant and NOW they tell me that my damn medicaid is still on?!
I spent weeks and months of trying to get medicaid or Wishard Advantage or some type of assistance to help me make sure my child was ok to no avail, and then I find this out...
By that time it was already too late... But I didn't know it yet. I got my pregnancy confirmed by Wishard and was given my due date. February 14th, 2014, me and Matt's one year anniversary... Our baby would be due on our anniversary. I was excited but nervous for some reason... I constantly expressed my worry and fear to Matt, who reassured me everything was fine, and that so was our child...
And I believed him. I believed Matt... He had no reason to lie... And so far Christopher was doing just fine... But of course, I didn't have any clue that Christopher was even Christopher yet... It wasn't yet time to know... It wasn't yet time for him to go...
I was livid... Months of waiting and worrying and jumping through hoops and my medicaid was still active?! 'You HAVE GOT to be kidding me right? I'm almost 4 months pregnant and NOW they tell me that my damn medicaid is still on?!
I spent weeks and months of trying to get medicaid or Wishard Advantage or some type of assistance to help me make sure my child was ok to no avail, and then I find this out...
By that time it was already too late... But I didn't know it yet. I got my pregnancy confirmed by Wishard and was given my due date. February 14th, 2014, me and Matt's one year anniversary... Our baby would be due on our anniversary. I was excited but nervous for some reason... I constantly expressed my worry and fear to Matt, who reassured me everything was fine, and that so was our child...
And I believed him. I believed Matt... He had no reason to lie... And so far Christopher was doing just fine... But of course, I didn't have any clue that Christopher was even Christopher yet... It wasn't yet time to know... It wasn't yet time for him to go...
May 23rd 2014: A Simple Nightmare
Today I had another miscarriage dream...
I was with Matt and it of course was long and drawn out... And normal for most of the dream... I've apparently been playing way too much Kingdom Hearts 2 because The dream's set up was way to much like that... The only thing it didn't have was a gummy ship and the gummy routes...
We went places and did things and I was pregnant... Not too pregnant, but I was pregnant...
It wasn't until the end of the dream that it got bad... You see... I had a miscarriage... Not once but twice... But the second time floored me like never before... And it's this loss, the loss of my son Christopher, that makes this pregnancy with my rainbow even more filled with anxiety and worry, and of course, fear.
Chris was the one that I was excited to have... Excited to raise... And then... He died. My body failed him and his tiny little body was no more...
But's that's a story I'll get to later.
Matt and I had stopped at a place. I wasnt sure if this was our place, or just a stop along the way to wherever we were going... But it was a stop nonetheless. I had to use the bathroom... So I went in to go pee and there was blood... I looked down and remembered I'd had a D&C... That I had failed my child yet again... And I woke up...
Such a simple dream... That can spark such terror into those who know my pain... Just the simple sight of blood... Can make you bolt... Can fill you with such dread and terror that you want to scream or go flying to your partner or the nearest trusted friend, curl up into a ball and just cry... Cry until you cant anymore, and then disappear... For if you disappear you can no longer feel the pain... You can no longer feel the fear and despair that grips you so tightly...
Such a simple dream... Turns out my biggest fear... Is fear itself... And also the fear of failing at something my body is supposed to be made to do...
I was with Matt and it of course was long and drawn out... And normal for most of the dream... I've apparently been playing way too much Kingdom Hearts 2 because The dream's set up was way to much like that... The only thing it didn't have was a gummy ship and the gummy routes...
We went places and did things and I was pregnant... Not too pregnant, but I was pregnant...
It wasn't until the end of the dream that it got bad... You see... I had a miscarriage... Not once but twice... But the second time floored me like never before... And it's this loss, the loss of my son Christopher, that makes this pregnancy with my rainbow even more filled with anxiety and worry, and of course, fear.
Chris was the one that I was excited to have... Excited to raise... And then... He died. My body failed him and his tiny little body was no more...
But's that's a story I'll get to later.
Matt and I had stopped at a place. I wasnt sure if this was our place, or just a stop along the way to wherever we were going... But it was a stop nonetheless. I had to use the bathroom... So I went in to go pee and there was blood... I looked down and remembered I'd had a D&C... That I had failed my child yet again... And I woke up...
Such a simple dream... That can spark such terror into those who know my pain... Just the simple sight of blood... Can make you bolt... Can fill you with such dread and terror that you want to scream or go flying to your partner or the nearest trusted friend, curl up into a ball and just cry... Cry until you cant anymore, and then disappear... For if you disappear you can no longer feel the pain... You can no longer feel the fear and despair that grips you so tightly...
Such a simple dream... Turns out my biggest fear... Is fear itself... And also the fear of failing at something my body is supposed to be made to do...
Thursday, May 22, 2014
June 29th 2013: It's confirmed... I'm pregnant.
I went to a Planned Parenthood center and asked for a pregnancy test...And it was confirmed. I'm pregnant... I honestly didn't know what to think.. What to do... How I should go about doing things now that I was pregnant... I just knew I needed care... I was told previously that my Medicaid was going to be turned off when I turned 21... So I stopped going to my doc, the chiropractor, even the dentist...
The thing I hate the most is getting nowhere... Time and time again it happens... And it pisses me off to no end.
After all the heartache I had at the thought of never having kids, the guilt I felt at being ok with Jade's passing... I finally became ok with the thought that I may never have children of my own... That I may never get married... Then I date a man I thought I'd never be able to date. And then I get pregnant by this man... I was scared but also over the moon... I was finally having a kid... I was with a man I never thought I'd have and we were going to have a family...
The thing I hate the most is getting nowhere... Time and time again it happens... And it pisses me off to no end.
After all the heartache I had at the thought of never having kids, the guilt I felt at being ok with Jade's passing... I finally became ok with the thought that I may never have children of my own... That I may never get married... Then I date a man I thought I'd never be able to date. And then I get pregnant by this man... I was scared but also over the moon... I was finally having a kid... I was with a man I never thought I'd have and we were going to have a family...
June 23rd 2013: The beginning of my bittersweet memories.
I found out I was pregnant that day... I was two weeks late for my period... I saw the stick say 'Pregnant'... I was floored... After all the times on never being able to get a stick to turn I finally turned one... There was no guessing this time... Matt and I were gonna be parents... Or so I thought... Little did I know, this was the beginning of my bittersweet memories...
It is now May 22nd, 2014, and I am pregnant. I shouldn't be pregnant right now... Why? I was pregnant... Due on Valentine's Day of this year... The day of me and Matt's first year anniversary... But my baby, our baby isnt here... He joined his big brother Jade up in heaven... And our second child, my third, nicknamed Lil' Bean now grown within my womb...
This blog isnt for the faint of heart. I don't need your scorn, your pity, your scathing comments. I need your compassion, your warmth, your empathy. I need your acknowledgement of my sons and a possible Chemical Pregnancy...
Losing a child is one of the hardest things you can ever experience... Whether this child is concieved naturally, or assisted (IUI, IVF, ICSI etc...), or because you felt you had to terminate for medical reasons, or an adoption didn't go through... It all hurts like hell... To find out those dreams and hopes suddenly disappear as soon as they came is hard to deal with...
I'm going back into my past, and reliving it, getting it down, in the hopes that I can be a better parent for Bean, and make my angels proud in the process.
It is now May 22nd, 2014, and I am pregnant. I shouldn't be pregnant right now... Why? I was pregnant... Due on Valentine's Day of this year... The day of me and Matt's first year anniversary... But my baby, our baby isnt here... He joined his big brother Jade up in heaven... And our second child, my third, nicknamed Lil' Bean now grown within my womb...
This blog isnt for the faint of heart. I don't need your scorn, your pity, your scathing comments. I need your compassion, your warmth, your empathy. I need your acknowledgement of my sons and a possible Chemical Pregnancy...
Losing a child is one of the hardest things you can ever experience... Whether this child is concieved naturally, or assisted (IUI, IVF, ICSI etc...), or because you felt you had to terminate for medical reasons, or an adoption didn't go through... It all hurts like hell... To find out those dreams and hopes suddenly disappear as soon as they came is hard to deal with...
I'm going back into my past, and reliving it, getting it down, in the hopes that I can be a better parent for Bean, and make my angels proud in the process.
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