Music is the talk of the soul... Or something like that... Music seems to be able to get things that you cant say out into the open... It can make you remember or help you forget... It can soothe or anger...
Lately I find that certain songs now make me face the truth... Just like a certain blog I read from time to time... One of my dear friends made this blog to share her son Preston, who she lost when he was 16 weeks old... He was a beautiful baby, full of smiles...
But I find that her blog has the nasty habit of making me face the truth when I read it sometimes... She never writes anything that's depressing, but her blog is good at that ya know? And I'm not mad that she has that ability at all, in fact I'm glad she's able to make me face the facts sometimes... Because if I didnt I'd forget... And I dont believe that there is such thing as a memory that's ok to forget... I dont want to forget Preston... I dont want to forget Jade, Chris and Serenity... I dont want to forget Benjamin and Connor. I dont wanna forget Vida, Jaylynn, Joanna, Ellie Sawyer, Silas and the countless others that have touched my life.
But just like with music that brings with it the ups and downs that you hold within your heart, I think it's a good thing not to dwell... The children live within our hearts and in a roundabout way keep us strong for those determined enough to ride the waves in the ocean of grief that we all experience when we lose a child... To come out on top is what they want, and so we struggle...
But every once and a while we have to face the truth. I'm glad that Cat's blog does that for me.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Sept. 3rd, 2014: Thoughts
So many thoughts going through my head... My bracelets, the PAIL quilt, the tree...
Isaac and Chris and Jade and Beanie...
What would things be like now? If Jade and Chris had stayed? I wonder about closure, and milestones... Why was nothing done to help me and Chris? Why, even after they new that I was having contractions, did they do nothing...
It's been a year now, and I still sometimes go to a dark place...
And FOR GODS SAKES WHY WONT ANYONE MENTION THEM?! See that's what gets me the most... We're not allowed to speak of our kids because they're dead... We're not allowed to show pictures because they dont look like babies... Because they have no fat on their bodies or they've retained water or they've got some other thing goin on... Its only ok to show babies that have fat on their bodies...
News flash: YOU LOOKED LIKE THAT TOO WHEN YOU WERE IN THE WOMB!
My family never speaks of Jade and Chris... I dont even feel comfortable speaking to my mom in depth about them... She denied they ever existed... And then when my sister spilled the beans a=she wants to act like nothing ever happened... She doesnt want to talk about them... No one mentions them... The only people I can really talk to that arent on BBC are Matt (Chris, Beanie and Isaac's dad) and his stepmom Angie.
Then theres fatal diagnoses that get under my skin.
And then there's the fact that being pregnant with Isaac makes me think so much of Chris... Is this what Chris would have done if he stayed put? What would he be like now? His due date was the day I conceived Isaac, Valentine's Day of this year... Its also me and Matt's anniversary... We've been together a year and so much has happened... But he is the only person to stand by my side through it all...
Not once did he say to take Chris's pic down... I remember one time I was pissed at him and was gonna move into the other room and he said no, and to put Chris's picture back where it belonged... Even though he's told me he's a little weirded out by the picture... I dont blame him though... I think had I not lost Chris and someone showed me a picture of their angel and it looked like Chris does, I'd be a little weirded out too.
Matt never tells me not to talk about Chris, or to 'get over it' and all the other stuff that people can say. He just hugs me and does some random stupid shit to make me laugh again and then tells me that its gonna be ok.
What I dont understand is why people seem to think that losing a child is- you know I dont even know the word for it. They downplay it like it's not big... Would you want us to downplay the death of a loved on who's been here years, or downplay the death of a beloved pet? I'm pretty sure you'd get pissed so why do it to us? Why downplay our child/children's death(s) like its nothing when it destroys our world just like losing that beloved pet would crash yours. Yeah, you learn to move on, and so do we, but you dont find us saying half the random bullshit that I hear others have said.
*sigh* Idk...
Isaac and Chris and Jade and Beanie...
What would things be like now? If Jade and Chris had stayed? I wonder about closure, and milestones... Why was nothing done to help me and Chris? Why, even after they new that I was having contractions, did they do nothing...
It's been a year now, and I still sometimes go to a dark place...
And FOR GODS SAKES WHY WONT ANYONE MENTION THEM?! See that's what gets me the most... We're not allowed to speak of our kids because they're dead... We're not allowed to show pictures because they dont look like babies... Because they have no fat on their bodies or they've retained water or they've got some other thing goin on... Its only ok to show babies that have fat on their bodies...
News flash: YOU LOOKED LIKE THAT TOO WHEN YOU WERE IN THE WOMB!
My family never speaks of Jade and Chris... I dont even feel comfortable speaking to my mom in depth about them... She denied they ever existed... And then when my sister spilled the beans a=she wants to act like nothing ever happened... She doesnt want to talk about them... No one mentions them... The only people I can really talk to that arent on BBC are Matt (Chris, Beanie and Isaac's dad) and his stepmom Angie.
Then theres fatal diagnoses that get under my skin.
And then there's the fact that being pregnant with Isaac makes me think so much of Chris... Is this what Chris would have done if he stayed put? What would he be like now? His due date was the day I conceived Isaac, Valentine's Day of this year... Its also me and Matt's anniversary... We've been together a year and so much has happened... But he is the only person to stand by my side through it all...
Not once did he say to take Chris's pic down... I remember one time I was pissed at him and was gonna move into the other room and he said no, and to put Chris's picture back where it belonged... Even though he's told me he's a little weirded out by the picture... I dont blame him though... I think had I not lost Chris and someone showed me a picture of their angel and it looked like Chris does, I'd be a little weirded out too.
Matt never tells me not to talk about Chris, or to 'get over it' and all the other stuff that people can say. He just hugs me and does some random stupid shit to make me laugh again and then tells me that its gonna be ok.
What I dont understand is why people seem to think that losing a child is- you know I dont even know the word for it. They downplay it like it's not big... Would you want us to downplay the death of a loved on who's been here years, or downplay the death of a beloved pet? I'm pretty sure you'd get pissed so why do it to us? Why downplay our child/children's death(s) like its nothing when it destroys our world just like losing that beloved pet would crash yours. Yeah, you learn to move on, and so do we, but you dont find us saying half the random bullshit that I hear others have said.
*sigh* Idk...
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