August 2nd, 2016: Too many memories, too many feelings

It's August now... And with the month of August comes lost of memories. With the month of August come my birthday and Chris's Angelversary, and all the memories of him...

He'd been with me for 4 months... Four short months was all I got with him, before he was taken from me.Two short weeks of feeling constant movement before I never got to feel him again.

And then theres a suspected pregnancy, and then Bug comes along... I was so happy that I was pregnant, but terrified... His pregnancy was SO hard. SCH, partial placenta previa, pre eclampsia, and then I gave birth to a baby that never wanted to be put down and screamed non stop. I spiraled into the deepest depression of my life and barely got out of it in time...

I didn't want another kid for a long while... I didn't want another HN child. Having one is hard enough, and its even harder when that child possibly has Autism, and has a hard time gaining weight and doesn't speak at all...

And then I miraculously got pregnant again. I wasn't tracking I was barely having sex... But there he was... Junebug. I was livid. Not at him of course, but at the entire situation. I could barely manage Bug, why would I want another child, ESPECIALLY if this one was just as HN as the first... But he was mellow. I had a fairly easy pregnancy. When he was born he was calm and quiet... but now I can barely put him down too... He screams a lot, has constipation issues, more than likely has colic, but he smiles and coos. He's gaining weight steadily... But my body has failed me again because I cant breastfeed anymore. I dont make enough milk. But I CAN actually put him down, but its usually when he's sleeping.

But Junebug isn't a log, but he's not HN either... But I'm still having relationship issues. Bickering, constantly at each other's throats... He can ignore/neglect the kids and play his video games but the minute I want some time to myself because I need to calm down and recharge I'm the bad parent...

I want out. Unfortunately I cant just up and leave the kids with him... He's not cut out to be a parent. You cant parent and act like a child in the same go. His video games are an escape... And guess what? I dont get an escape. I have to be touched, spit up on, scratched, rocked on, pushed, pinched, cried and screamed at and everything else the two kids decide to throw at me.

And then on top of that No one in my family will even mention Chris. They don't care. He wasn't born alive. He didn't get to have pictures posted of him on Facebook celebrating milestones like his baby brothers... So he doesn't matter to anyone. His own father barely even mentions him.

I hate the month of August... Too many memories and too many feelings.

July 25th, 2016: Overwhelming Life

Well... I never did try to see if I could get to this from my SO's phone... :/ But that's beside the point now, as we now have a charger for the laptop, so hopefully that means i can post more frequently again.

Where to start... Junebug was born May 31 at 11:54 am. While he's not HN like Bug is he's not a Log either. His name is Galen, which means Calm, Tranquil, Healer. Hes very opinionated and a major cuddlebug like his big brother, but hes SO much easier to deal with and care for than Bug is.

I'm still having relationship issues with their father and have been thinking about/ wanting to leave (with the kids of course) for a while now... The only reason I stayed is because I promised not to find a way to leave until Junebug was 3 mos old and we went to couples counseling together. Junebug is almost 2 months now and we still haven't done any couples counseling, and I don't feel like things are really getting any better.between the two of us and my gut is telling me that the tension has a lot to do with Bug being HN.

Things with Bug are... Well, they're extremely difficult, I'm not even gonna lie or try to sugarcoat it. Thing are fuckin frustrating. He's still not talking, he's in speech therapy, his gait is off and he drives me bat shit insane with all the whining and crying. He still doesn't feed himself, I have to potty train him because hes trying to get out of his diapers now (and I feel like a failure every time I see him in one), and I have to schedule an Appt. with an Audiologist, and Developmental Pediatrician for autism diagnosis and treatment and figure out a way to get him ASL lessons so he can communicate and STOP that damnable whining.

On another note, my biological mother Tracy passed away last year in December of a heart attack... I had just went down to AZ with Bug to see her... I'm still floored... I'm honestly not sure if I've even started grieving... And then there's my birthday and Chris's Angelversary coming up in August- neither of which I'm looking forward to...

But now I have a way out of the state should I so wish. Tracy won a settlement for transvaginal mesh shortly after she died, and her husband Isaac is setting aside some money for me and the boys...

Being a mom and an adult is hard as hell...

March 22nd: Sorry for the hiatus

Ugh... So much has been going on in my life and I don't know where to start...

I'm having relationship  issues with Bug's (Isaac) father... I'm pregnant again and due June 11th... I have some asshole making ridiculous claims to DCS and CPS for some GOD unknown reason... I'm on Zoloft and need a therapist for the first time in years. I want a job... My Biological mom passed away this December from a  heart attack... Bug hasn't been growing the way the Dr. wants him to grow... He ended up being diagnosed as Failure To Thrive... My dad was recently in the hospital due to fever, unchecked type 2 diabetes, a UTI and more...

Everything has been so stressful... I had some major PPD with Bug and let housework pile up... I didn't properly care for Bug... He had a lip and tongue tie that resulted in early weaning... Matt didn't bother with any support whatsoever, preferring to sit on his ass and play video games... It took my getting pregnant, and his brother/bff Jonathan telling him off to get us to where we are now... Hes getting better, and im doing better...

the super long hiatus is because Matt's computer battery went kaput and the charger doesn't work. to add to that my old tablet broke ad my new one's charger hasn't come in yet. I'm only able to make this post because I'm borrowing my housemates computer, which isn't going to be an everyday occurrence, because he gets pissy if I ask too much.

I'm currently 27+2 with Junebug, who happens to be another boy... This pregnancy has been so different from Bug's. For one, Junebug isn't anywhere near as active as big was. Don't get me wrong, Junebug moves, but hes not constantly kicking ans squirming day in and day out like Bug was... There also, so far, hasn't been any complications. My asthma is being managed, there's no unexplained bleeding and a helluva lot less anxiety where the kid is involved. the typical aches and pains are much more pronounced though...

I think that about covers it for now... But I'm definitely going to see if i can get to this from the phone. I'd love to be able to make a post every day/every few days like I used to... Plus it was rather therapeutic.