It's August now... And with the month of August comes lost of memories. With the month of August come my birthday and Chris's Angelversary, and all the memories of him...
He'd been with me for 4 months... Four short months was all I got with him, before he was taken from me.Two short weeks of feeling constant movement before I never got to feel him again.
And then theres a suspected pregnancy, and then Bug comes along... I was so happy that I was pregnant, but terrified... His pregnancy was SO hard. SCH, partial placenta previa, pre eclampsia, and then I gave birth to a baby that never wanted to be put down and screamed non stop. I spiraled into the deepest depression of my life and barely got out of it in time...
I didn't want another kid for a long while... I didn't want another HN child. Having one is hard enough, and its even harder when that child possibly has Autism, and has a hard time gaining weight and doesn't speak at all...
And then I miraculously got pregnant again. I wasn't tracking I was barely having sex... But there he was... Junebug. I was livid. Not at him of course, but at the entire situation. I could barely manage Bug, why would I want another child, ESPECIALLY if this one was just as HN as the first... But he was mellow. I had a fairly easy pregnancy. When he was born he was calm and quiet... but now I can barely put him down too... He screams a lot, has constipation issues, more than likely has colic, but he smiles and coos. He's gaining weight steadily... But my body has failed me again because I cant breastfeed anymore. I dont make enough milk. But I CAN actually put him down, but its usually when he's sleeping.
But Junebug isn't a log, but he's not HN either... But I'm still having relationship issues. Bickering, constantly at each other's throats... He can ignore/neglect the kids and play his video games but the minute I want some time to myself because I need to calm down and recharge I'm the bad parent...
I want out. Unfortunately I cant just up and leave the kids with him... He's not cut out to be a parent. You cant parent and act like a child in the same go. His video games are an escape... And guess what? I dont get an escape. I have to be touched, spit up on, scratched, rocked on, pushed, pinched, cried and screamed at and everything else the two kids decide to throw at me.
And then on top of that No one in my family will even mention Chris. They don't care. He wasn't born alive. He didn't get to have pictures posted of him on Facebook celebrating milestones like his baby brothers... So he doesn't matter to anyone. His own father barely even mentions him.
I hate the month of August... Too many memories and too many feelings.
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