On this day, a year ago, my biological mother died of a heart attack...
Four days ago the courts saw fit to discriminate against me and take my children.
Five days ago I got another CPS visit for the same shit as last time...
Today, I'm barely holding myself together, barely keeping myself from sinking into the quicksand that is my Depression and PTSD...
You don't know what you've got until it's gone...
And now I fear for my own life... My kids are what brightened up my day. For as much as I complain about Junebug's loud cries, and Bug's boundless energy, I wouldn't have it any other way...
This house is too quiet..
Where are the cries, is the laughter, the thumping of my 2 year old's tiny feet across the carpet or floor, the sounds of the cabinets being open and shut.
Where is the crying because Junebug's gotten himself stuck again, the crying because he can't see mommy, the laughter when I tickle him...
This house is way too quiet,
Yesterday was so bad that I had to speak with someone from a crisis hotline...
My anxiety and depression are beginning to rule my life... My joy is no longer with me...
At least they are with family I've been told. Yeah they are, but they are not with me.
Because of the boy's absence I am beginning to see how much my depression and anxiety have truly taken over...
But I cannot find help. I've been searching for years, to no avail.
One thing after another prevents me from getting the help I seek.
My healthy families mentor has made it seem to CPS and the courts like I'm not seeking help and am so unstable I don't deserve my children.
Their Pediatricin has disreguarded every concern I've had, only to turn around and call CPS after we missed their November appt.
Medicaid wants to turn off and on and never make up their minds so that I can consistently have/seek care.
Vehicles break down, money is scarce, phones are misplaced...
And my undiagnosed disorder acts up, making me much more forgetful, much more anxious.
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