April 7, 2018

I'm starting to think that it's impossible to have a day that is good... But then again, what is good, other than a personal perspective... But that counts for something yeah?

But it's annoying. It's always something, especially with Matt. He's had a stick up his ass all day, and of course it's when the kids are here for their visit. There's never a day where it's worry free. I don't know if it's because I'm still picking up on family karma or simply because of my environment that I'm currently in. I hate him on days like this, because he's nothing more than a petty child that about as mature as a 6 month old. Most days he's got the maturity of a 18 month old, which I can handle, but I swear to goodness, when he's like this I want to punch him dead in the mouth- and that's saying something because I'm typically nonviolent. I really, really should have gotten the hell outta dodge when I first threatened to do so... I should've taken my kid (Junebug hadn't been conceived at the time or was in utero- I can't remember) and dipped. Fuck taking clothing, I should've just walked out that door that night and started fresh somewhere since I'd begun to clue into the warning signs.

That is my regret. He's completely torn us apart. He's belittled me, gaslighted me, dehumanized me, he never gives me any support, and he hates it when I take care of myself or do things that takes away from his attention- like caring for children or going to school. He doesn't respect my boundaries, opinions, knowledge, or anything else and then practically demands my money. But I'm hellbent on getting the hell out of here. I've got a bike, I can sort through my clothes and pick what I want to take with me, which will likely be whatever I can fit into my backpacks merely for simplicity.

I'm terrified though. I've never lived by myself before- and having to things all on my own is going to be difficult. But I also know that this is what I need to do- and I'm excited to do it. I know I can make it on my own, and it'll be awesome to have my own space that I can have all to my own. A space where I won't be belittled for taking a shower, or for doing homework. A place where I can truly unwind and have friends over and even finally drive and own a car of my own. A place where I can have children in my space once more, whether that be because I have more or because I win this bullshit CPS/DCS CHINS case and get my Bugs back. A space where I can finally be me instead of what everyone else demands I be.

It's funny I suppose, that my motto is to not have any regret, and yet I now have one. But I'm ok with that. I've made my peace with it, and I've learned from my mistake. I know what not to do, and am preparing for when this chapter in my life is over. I'm excited and terrified, because I'm so close to being free of these chains... so close to breaking out of this cage I'm in. So close to being free.